I’ll Be Home For Christmas

[slow, reverent music plays]

[Verse One]
I'll be home for Christmas
Watching the PapaJohns.com Bowl
Florida State leads by twenty-eight
So why...is Rutgers...attempting a field goal?! It's 4th and 17, you gotta go 4th and do an inside kick!

Christmas Eve will find me
Rocking out to Styx
As I flog my knob to the J. Crew catalog
'Cause the video store closed at six!

[tempo increases, picks up rock beat]

[Verse Two]
I'll be home for Christmas
Knockin' back some brews
Screw nutmeg, I got a party keg
And I'm crankin' Motley Crue!
Christmas Eve will find me
Polishing my horn
Yes, I'll be home alone this Christmas
Jerkin' it to porn!
I'll be home alone this Christmas
Spankin' it to porn!

[band plays flourish, fades back to slow music]

I won't be all alone this Christmas
'Cause I'll be jerking it....to...porn!
(music stops)
(laughs) Yeah...