I Hope I Sell a Lot of Records at Christmastime

[Intro]
This song is kind of on the sadder side of Christmas
It's about a truck driver away from home on Christmas Day
And I sure know how he feels

(Ho, ho, ho!)
Santa? I would like a pony, and a Furby, and a pony and...
Kid, hey, hey, kid, you don't want that stuff
Tell Santa you want my record!
Who are you? Santa, what's going on?
(Hey, lady, security!)
Chill, pops
Hey, hey! Get off me!

[Verse 1]
Ayo Santa, let's get somethin' clear
I'm half Jewish, I shouldn't even be talkin' about this time of year
But I'm near tears tryin' to fund my record label career
While everyone else drinks beer like they at Cheers
Makin' Nintendo bets on debts from bad record deals
For real, I'm probably next
I'm here sweatin my ass off, it's July
But by the time this comes out, I'll be behind my release schedule
And Mariah Christmas will be sold out, why?
I never did nothin' bad to nobody
I'm still friends with all my exes who stole money (Aw, honey)
Don't "aw, honey" me, just give me the money, please
One of those cards with a pocket for cash
A big stash or check to cash, I'll snatch it
Before you realize you acted rash, and come at me all mad
Yo, I've been good, well, you know, pretty good, at least in my mind
Please, let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime

[Chorus]
La-la-la, la-la-la
There's one Christmas star
Princess Superstar
La-la-la, la-la-la
Ho, ho, ho!
Who you callin' a ho?

[Verse 2]
Okay, I'm too poor to afford
Life-size cut-out cardboard of me poured in a size four
With a floppy Santa hat on the record store floor
Want Ace product placement
Listenin' station so while I'm on vacation
I got my face on Raisin Brans 'round the nation
I'm impatient, need my wax to sell by the cases
Like Ma$e's in God's good graces, I'll be gracious
Just let me retire with his wages
I'm not aimless, I wanna be A-list
Hang out with someone famous
Then my friends and I would all have someone to date us
Like Tom Hanks, Billy Blanks, Shabba Ranks, or any of the Franks
Stallone, Purdue, Avalon, or Delanor Roo
Bill Gates too (Ew)
It's true, all I gotta do is sell through
Go on tour, then put out a live record real quick, like Frampton or Badu
I got a cold, it's gonna be Christmas soon and I'm getting old
Hi, Tower? It's me again, how many units we sold?
You mean, we didn't go platinum or like gold?
(Beep, beep) Oh, that's my rolls
Yo, wait, I'm on a payphone
Please, don't even try to put me on hold!

[Chorus]
La-la-la, la-la-la
There's one Christmas star
Princess Superstar
La-la-la, la-la-la
Ho, ho, ho!
Who you callin' a ho?

La-la-la, la-la-la
There's one Christmas star
Princess Superstar
La-la-la, la-la-la

[Verse 3]
Okay, you're all listening to my song, that's a good sign
So either you bought it, it's on the radio
Or your friend is sayin', "Ha, listen to this funny song"
That's fine
But if that's the case, don't even think about the blank tape
Take a date with your lazy ass, go to Virgin or Other Music, they close late
And if you don't make it, visit my website blah-blah dot com
See old sexy pictures of me
Order my record, buy the clean version for your mom
Santa, just one hit, one seasonal favorite
One tearjerker piece of commercial shit
For the ages or just enough to get an agent
Watch how fast I'd sell out, get the cash, get the hell out
Be on VH1, "Where Are They Now?"
Eatin' filet mignon by the pound
Round baby, fat and gettin' down baby
Don't need to fit in no fancy clothes now, baby
(Hey!) Get the camera crews off my grounds!
Call me flash in the pan, the blonde chick who thought she could rhyme
Please, just let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime!