I Hate When That Happens

Boy, I'll tell you Willy, feels like we've been on line here for this show for like a day and a half

Yeah I don't care though Frankie, this is my last night of bachelor-world

What are you talking about?

I'm thinking about marrying a secretary from Schadleman-Suit

Oh no

Oh yeah, she loves me Frankie, she wants me. She likes my style of love-making

Willy a stallion's gotta run and run free

I know, I know, but I love her so

I understand, but there's a whole wide world out there. A whole wide world packed full of young girls, young and sweaty who would bend over backwards for our guided missiles of love

I don't know Frankie, I'm confused, me brain's all twisted up. I'm going to go across the street get a hot dog and just think about it

Okay

Be right back

Watch out Willy!

[Bass line begins]

Oh! Oh, that garbage truck just swerved and splattered me against the pavement. I'm all crushed up Frankie. It's very painful I hate when that happens

Yeah, I know what you mean, Willy. But you want to talk about some pain? The other day I was down in my workshop you know?

Uh-huh

And I took one of them linoleum knives

Yeah

And I spread my toes apart and started sawing back and forth and back and forth and then I took a little bottle of that uh ...

Tabasco sauce?

Yeah! And I just sprinkled it in between my toes. Cocomo, bocomo, talk about a hot foot

Sounds painful

It was! I hate when I do that

I know what you mean. It's like the other day how I had nothing to do so I grabbed one of those um ...

Meat thermometers?

Yeah. And I shoved it into my ear, you know, just to see how far in I could get it to go. Well, it only went in about three inches so I took one of those um ...

Ball peen hammers?

Right. And I gave it a few extra whacks, you know. Boy! Is that painful

Oo!

Ow!

Ouch! I hate when that happens

Tell me about it

Oo!

Ow!

Ouch! I hate when I do that

I know what you mean. It's like the other day. I was in my bathroom not doing nothing, just smelling the drain in the sink and I pulled down my pants and dainties and I grabbed one of them uh ...

Double-edge disposable razors?

Yeah! And I start shaving my hiney you know?

Yeah

Let me tell you something it got nicked up pretty good after about 20 minutes so I ran into my uh ...

Foyer?

Yeah! And I squatted in a bowl of June's. Holy moley, talk about a sting-fest

I know what you mean, pal. I was in the kitchen you know just eating an anchovy on a cruller? So I took my um ...

Self-guiding movie projector?

Yeah! And you know the slot where the film feeds in?

Yeah

Well I put my tongue in there, you know, just to see how far in I could get it to go

Yeah

Well I switched the machine on and my tongue started going into the machine. It was wild, it was threading all around. It was going up and down and all around. But then it got jammed. Me tongue was resting against the um ...

Red-hot projector bulb?

Right. And I started smelling smoke. It was like I was cooking up a whole batch of uh ...

Country-style patty sausages?

Yeah. And I couldn't get it out, it was jammed. So I reached for one of those um ...

Shrimp-forks?

Yeah, and I just plucked it out of there. Boy! I hate when that happens

I know what you mean

Oo!

Ow!

Ouch! I hate when that happens

Tell me about it

Oo!

Ow!

Ouch! I hate when I do that

I know what you mean

[Bridge]

The other day, I was sitting on the stoop, not doing much, just burning the hair off my arms in my magnifying glass. And I reached for that um ...

6-inch replica of the Empire State building?

Yeah. And I jammed it up my nose, you know, just to see how far in I could get it to go. Well it only got up to the um ...

35th floor?

Yeah. So I took one of those uh ...

Things that you shake up and it snows inside?

Right. And I started whacking the bottom of that thing. Well I must of hit it too hard Frankie, because the point popped up out of the top of my head. I looked weird I did I looked like that uh ...

Living unicorn in the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Baily circus?

Yeah! I hate when that happens

I know what you mean. Sounds like the time I stapled bologna to my face

Nah, it was more like the time I hammered the golf-tee into my belly-button

Or like the time I threw my legs up over my head and scrapped the back of my thighs with a cheese grater

No I think it was like the time I was at the bowling alley and I rested my head down on the uh ...

Ramp where the balls come back?

Yeah. Remember my head looked like um ...

Soup dish?

No, um ...

Bag of puppy chow?

No it was the um ...

Baboon's bum

Yeah. I hate when that happens

I know what you mean