How to make jorts

The days of spring will surely bring the birds and bees cavorting.
But since I am a gentleman, I'd much rather be jorting.

Hi, I'm Brian David Gilbert, and if you're familiar with my filmography or discography, you know that I am a jorts enthusiast.

Get along!

Now that the weather has warmed, I have received hundreds upon hundreds of emails from hungry fans asking, "Brian, how do you make jorts?" Though the jortmaking process is incredibly personal and introspective, I would be happy to share with you my method so that you might take your first steps on the journey to jorts.

Step one: Choosing the right jeans. A true jortist understands that you cannot buy jorts off the rack. In fact, you must use jeans that are well-lived in, and well-loved in. Or else you might commit the greatest sadness: a jean jorted before its time.

I've been wearing these jeans for about a year and a half, and they've graduated.

Step 1a: Practice! They say it makes perfect, and that's certainly true for jorts. Do a few practice passes with the scissors to make sure your hand is strong. Be careful not to get any dirt or bodily fluids on the jeans during this step.

Especially blood. You cannot get blood on the jeans during this or any step of the process, I cannot stress this enough. The consequences are dire. Do not bleed on the jea-

Step 1b: Reminisce. Your jeans have been with you through a lot, so let's celebrate that. Visit your favorite amusement park. Frolic on the beach together.

Step 1c: Respect. Your jeans deserve some commendation for their years of service. Create a piece of art that symbolizes your bond. Serenade the jeans with a song you've written for them.

[Singing]
I can't believe my eyes I've got some jeans around my thighs, and I'm happy as a birthday boy![?]

[speaking, in voiceover]
This would be a great time to invite any talent agents if you're looking for representation, as I currently am. Hi, I'm Brian Dav...

Instead of throwing your jeans into the laundry, why not hand wash them one last time? *background music distorts* Come on. Come on. *heavy breathing*

Step 1d: Listen. To the jeans. They're speaking to you. Can you hear them? Their words are quiet but the implications are loud. You awake one day to find that the jeans have spelled out their preferred jort length on the walls of your apartment in ancient runes. You can't escape their words. They find you in your sleep. It's babbling, but, though you might not understand it on a surface level, you understand it viscerally. You understand it better than the words your colleagues say, your peers, anything the world has taught you up to this point. Maybe you could understand it better if you just listened closer. Listened harder. Maybe if you stopped listening to everyone else.

Step 1e: Fear. *sound of a door opening*

*door slam*

[singing, distant and distorted]
I can't believe my eyes I've got some jeans around my thighs, and I'm happy as a birthday boy![?]

Step 2: Cut the jeans. Congratulations. Your journey to jorts is over. It's finally over.
*music track skips and cuts out*

That's a good pair of jorts.