​history of the entire world, i guess

The camera opens on text that says, "Hi." As the NARRATOR continues to speak, we're shown a globe from Google Earth.

NARRATOR: Hi, you're on a rock floating in space. Pretty cool, huh? Some of it's water. Fuck it, actually, most of it's water. I can't even get from here to there without buying a boat.

A plane is shown flying from South America to Africa. The plane fades off the screen, and a lone, sad stick figure is shown standing on Africa.

NARRATOR: It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you.

The camera pans left across the globe to show more sad stick figures also standing on South America, North America, and Europe.

CHORUS: How did this happen?

NARRATOR: A long time ago- Actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why it's been everywhere. It's been so everywhere, you don't need a where. You don't even need a when. That's how "every" it gets.

A long pause happens.

NARRATOR: Forget this. I wanna be something. Go somewhere. Do something. I want things to change. I want to invent time and space, and I know it's possible because everything is here, and it probably already happened. I just don't know when to start, and that's exactly where it started.

The sound of VCR fast forwarding plays.

NARRATOR: Ooh, I paused it. I think there's a universe now. What's it made of?

CHORUS: Quarks and stuff!

NARRATOR: Ah, that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it? Try a new place, at a different time. Try to stick together because the world is gonna get bigger and emptier, but it's not empty yet. It's still very full and about a kjghpillion degrees.

About no seconds pass.

NARRATOR: Great news! The quarks are now happily married and in groups of three, called a proton or a neutron, and there's something else flying around too that wants to join in but can't because it's still too-

An explosion goes off while the screen says, "HOT."
10 minutes pass.

NARRATOR: Great news! The protons and neutrons are now happily married to each other. Some of them even doubled up.

About 380,000 years pass.

NARRATOR: Great news! The electrons have now joined in. Congratulations! The world is now a bunch of gas in space, but it's getting closer together...

10 million years pass.

NARRATOR: ...and it's getting closer together...

500 million years pass.

NARRATOR: ...and it's getting closer toget-

An explosion occurs.

CHORUS: It's a star!

NARRATOR: New shit just got made. Some stars burn out and die. Bigger stars burn out and die with passion, and make some brand new, way crazier shit...

CHORUS: Space dust!

NARRATOR: ...which allows newer, more interesting stars to be made, and then die, and explode into-

CHORUS: Even crazier space dust!

NARRATOR: ...so now stars have cool stuff around them, like rocks, ice, and funny clouds, which can make some very interesting things, like this ball of flaming rocks for example.

NARRATOR: Holy shit! We just got hit with another ball of flaming rocks, and it kind of made a mess, which is-

CHORUS: Now the Moon!

The year is now -4,000,000,000.

NARRATOR: Weather update, it's raining rocks from outer space.

NARRATOR: Weather update, those rocks might have had water inside them, and now, there's hot steam in the sky.

NARRATOR: Weather update, cooler temperatures today, and the floor is no longer lava.

NARRATOR: Weather update, it's raining.

NARRATOR: Severe flooding alert! The entire world is now an ocean.

NARRATOR: Volcano alert!

CHORUS: That's land!

OCEAN: (Mumbles) There's life in the ocean.

NARRATOR: What?

CHORUS: Something's alive in the ocean.

IMMATERIAL OBSERVER (IO): Oh, cool. Like, a plant or an animal?

The camera zooms in on a single-cell organism.

NARRATOR: No, a microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and eats chemical soup which is being served hot and fresh, made from gnarly space ingredients leftover from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

The cell divides.

NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, and it can do that.

Those cells divide many more times.

NARRATOR: It has secret instructions written inside itself telling it how to build another one of itself. So that's pretty nifty, I would say.

NARRATOR: Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

CHORUS: Now you can eat sunlight!

The year is now -3,000,000,000.

NARRATOR: Using a revolutionary technique, you can convert sunlight into food.

CHORUS: Taste the sun!

The year is now -2,300,000,000.

NARRATOR: Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere and the sky is blue. Then the Earth might have been a snowball for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.

The year is now -500,000,000.

NARRATOR: It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm, and some other types of weird, strange water bugs and strange fish.

CHORUS: It's the Cambrian explosion!

IO: Wow, that's animals and stuff.

SEA LIFE: But we're still in the ocean. Hey, can we go on land?

CHORUS, as LAND: No!

SEA LIFE: Why?

CHORUS, as LAND: The sun is a deadly lazer!

SEA LIFE: Oh, okay.

CHORUS: Not anymore, there's a blanket.

NARRATOR: Now the animals can go on land. Come on animals, let's go on land.

FISH: Nope, can't walk yet. And there's no food yet, so I don't care.

100 million years pass.

LAND: Okay, will you learn to walk if there's plants up here?

SOME BUGS AND FISH: Maybe

NARRATOR: ...said some bugs... and fish.

The year is now -380,000,000. FISH grunts because it is struggling to get on land, for it has no legs. 5 million years pass. The year is now -375,000,000. FISH now has legs, for it has evolved into an AMPHIBIAN.

AMPHIBIAN: Okay, so I can go on land, but I have to go back in the water to-

CHORUS: Have babies!

The word "idea" flashes on to the screen.

NARRATOR: Learn to use an egg.

AMPHIBIAN: I was already doing that.

NARRATOR: Use a stronger egg. Put water in it. Have a baby, on land, in an egg. Water is in the egg. Baby, in the egg, in the water, in the egg.

The year is -312,000,000.

AMPHIBIAN OFFSPRING: Works for me.

CHORUS: Bye bye, ocean!

50 million years pass.

NARRATOR: And now everything's huge. Including bugs. Wanna see a map of the land?

IO: Sure.

The year is now -252,000,000. A globe is presented. The camera starts to pan around it when a large explosion happens, destroying a land mass on the globe the size of a continent. Text pops onto the screen reading "PERMIAN EXTINCTION." The Permian Extinction has occurred.

NARRATOR: Oh fuck, now everything's dead. Just kidding, here are the survivors.

The thrinaxodon, lystrosaurus, and proterosuchus are shown.

NARRATOR: Keep your eye on this one...

The proterosuchus is circled. 75 million years pass.

NARRATOR: ...'cause it's about to become the dinosaurs. Here's another map of the land.

The globe is shown again. It does not yet look like the Earth we know today; many of the continents are in pieces or out of place.

NARRATOR: Yeah, it broke apart. Don't worry about that. It does that all the time.

The year is now -66,000,000.

NARRATOR: Here comes a meteor.

A meteor comes into frame and hits the globe near what is today called Central America.

CHORUS: And the dinosaurs are gone!

NARRATOR: It's mammal time! Here come the mammals; look at those breasts.

The year is now -15,000,000.

NARRATOR: Now, they're gonna dominate the world, and one of them just learned how to grab stuff, and walk.

The year is now -4,000,000. A transition from one of human's older ancestors to one of human's younger ancestors is shown.

NARRATOR: No, like, walk like that, and grab stuff at the same time.

The year is now -3,000,000.

NARRATOR: And bang rocks together to make pointed rocks.

IO: Ouch.

The year is now -1,500,000.

NARRATOR: And set things on fire.

IO: Yeouch.

The year is now -200,000.

NARRATOR: And make crazy sounds with their voice.

CAVEMAN: Gneurshk.

NARRATOR: Which can mean different things.

Via the CAVEMAN's thought bubble, "Gnerushk," is shown to mean, "Hi," "Bye," and, "Can you hand me that rock over there?"

CHORUS: That's a human person!

NARRATOR: And now they're everywhere, almost.

Text pops on to the screen, above the landmass that is today called North America. It reads "not here yet." Humans have not migrated there yet. The year is now -20,000. Text pops on to the screen, between what is today the American state of Alaska and the Russian autonomous okrug (district) of Chukotka. The text reads "ice age." The ice age is occurring, creating a land bridge between the two landmasses.

CHORUS: Ice age!

HUMANS: What? You can walk over here? Cool!

The year is now -10,000.

CHORUS: Not anymore.

HUMANS: Well, I guess we're stuck here now.

NARRATOR: Let's review. There's people on the planet, and they're chasing their food.

HUMAN: Fuck it, time to plant some grass. Look at this. I control the food now. Now, everyone will want to be my friend and live near me. Let's all build houses, except mine is bigger because I own the food. This is great. I wonder if anyone else is doing this.

The year is now -5000.

NARRATOR: Tired of using rocks for everything? Use metal! It's underground.

NARRATOR: Better farming was just invented in a sweet dank valley right in between these two rivers, and the animals are helping.

A sheep baas in the background.

CHORUS: Guess what happens next!

NARRATOR: More food, and more people who came to buy the food, and you need people to help make the food and keep track of the sales, and now, you need houses for people to live in and people to make the houses, and now, there's more people, and they invent things which makes things better, and more people come, and there's more farming and more people to make more things for more people, and now, there's business, money, writing, laws, power.

CHORUS: Society!

NARRATOR: Coming soon to a dank river valley near you. Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, the horse is probably being tamed.

DISTRAUGHT HUMAN: Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy?

NARRATOR: Tired of using lame, sad metal?

The year is now -3300.

NARRATOR: Introducing-

CHORUS: Bronze!

NARRATOR: Made from special ingredient tin from the far lands of Tin Land... I don't know, my dealer won't tell me where he gets it. Also, guess what?

CHORUS: Egypt!

The year is now -2000.

NARRATOR: Meanwhile, out in the middle of nowhere, they figured out how to put wheels on a horse. Now, we're getting somewhere. Also-

CHORUS: China!

NARRATOR: And did I mention-

CHORUS: Indus River Valley Civilization!

A "society count" comes on screen. It lists the four civilizations just named (including Mesopotamia, the "sweet dank valley right in between... two rivers"), as the counter counts up from one to four. It pauses for a moment before ticking up to five. A fifth civilization appears on the list. The camera pans right across the globe to what is modern day Peru.

CHORUS: Norte Chico!

NARRATOR: The Middle East is getting more complicated. Maybe because it's in the middle of the East.

The year is now -1600.

PEOPLE WITH HORSES: Knock, knock. Er... clop clop.

NARRATOR: It's the people with the horses, and they made an empire, and then everyone else copied their horses.

CHORUS: Greeks!

NARRATOR: Ah, look, it must be the Greeks. Or, a beta version of the Greeks.

Text pops up on screen, reading "mycenaean greeks." These "beta version... Greeks" are the Mycenaean Greeks.

NARRATOR: Let's check in with the Indus River Valley Civilization - they're gone. Guess who's not gone?

CHORUS: China!

The year is now -1200.

CHORUS: New arrivals in India! Maybe it's those horse people I was talking about, or their cousins, or something... And they wrote some hymns and mantras and stuff!

NARRATOR: You could make a religion out of this.

The year is now -1150.

NARRATOR: There's the Bronze Age collapse.

CHORUS: Now, the Phoenicians can get down to business!

HUMANS: (Offscreen) Also, can we switch to a metal that's a little easier to find?

Bronze switches to iron.

HUMANS: (Offscreen) Thanks.

NARRATOR: Look who came back to Israel - it's the twelve tribes of Israel!

CHORUS: And they believe in God!

NARRATOR: Just one though; he's got like a ten step program.

NARRATOR: Here's some huge heads. Must be the Olmecs.

The year is now -800.

NARRATOR: The Phoenicians make some colonies. The Greeks copy their idea and make some colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony so big it makes colonies.

The year is now -671.

NARRATOR: Here comes the Assyrian Empire.

The year is now -600.

NARRATOR: Nevermind, it's the Babyloni-

The year is now -580.

NARRATOR: Media-

The year is now -500.

CHORUS: It's the Persian Empire!

IO: Wow, that's big.

NARRATOR: Ah, the Buddha was just enlightened!

IO: Who's the Buddha?

NARRATOR: This guy, who sat under a tree for so long that he figured out how to ignore the fact that we're all dying. You could make a religion out of this.

The year is now -475.

NARRATOR: Oops, China just broke, but while it was breaking, Confucius was figuring out how to have good morals.

The year is now -400.

NARRATOR: Ah, the Greeks just had the idea of thinking about stuff...

The year is now -330.

NARRATOR: ...and right over here, Alexander just had the idea of conquering the entire Persian empire. It's a great idea. He was... Great, and now he's dead. Hopefully, the rest of the gang will be able to share the empire evenly between them.

The year is now -305.

CHANDRAGUPTA: Knock knock.

NARRATOR: It's Chandragupta. He says-

CHANDRAGUPTA: Get the hell out of here. Will you get the hell out of here if I give you five hundred elephants? Okay, thanks. Bye.

CHORUS: Time to conquer all of India!

NARRATOR: Er-

CHORUS: Most of India!

IO: But what about this part?

NARRATOR: That's the Tamil kings. No one conquers the Tamil kings.

IO: Who are the Tamil kings?

CHORUS: Merchants, probably... And they've got spices!

TAMIL KINGS: Who would like to buy the spices?

ARABIANS: Me!

NARRATOR: ...said the Arabians, swiftly buying it and selling it to the rest of the world.

The year is now -221.

NARRATOR: Hey, China put itself back together again, with good morals as their main philosophy! Actually, they have three main philosophies.

Confucianism, Taoism, and legalism appear with the corresponding messages under: having good morals, go with the flow, and "fuck you obey the law". The land northwest of Qin China, which is roughly modern-day Mongolia, is circled.

NARRATOR: Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free, and they would like to ransack your city.

The horse nomads repeatedly bump into China with the coin sound effect from Super Mario playing each time they do so. The camera pans left on the globe back to the Ancient Greek Empire.

NARRATOR: Let's check the Greekification levels of the Greekified kingdoms. Greekification overload!

PARTHIANS: Bye.

NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians.

JEWS: Bye.

NARRATOR: ...said the Jews.

PARTHIANS: Hi!

NARRATOR: ...said the Parthians, taking over the entire place.

The year is now 1 CE.

ROMANS: Heyyyyyyyy...

NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, eating the entire Mediterranean for breakfast.

JEWS: Thanks for invading our homeland.

NARRATOR: ...said the Jews, who were starting to get tired of people invading their homeland.

The year is now 30 CE.

JESUS CHRIST: Hi, everything's great.

NARRATOR: ...said some guy, who seems to be getting very popular, and is then arrested and killed for being too popular, which only makes him more popular. You could make a religion out of this.

NARRATOR: Want silk? Now, you can buy it from China. They just made a-

CHORUS: Brand new road to the world!

China conquers Vietnam.

CHORUS: Or you can get there on water!

INDIA: Sick! New trade routes.

NARRATOR: ...said India, accidentally spreading their religion to the entire southeast.

Funan is highlighted.

NARRATOR: Hm, that's a good place for an epic trading kingdom.

The sound of a zooming car plays.

NARRATOR: There goes Buddhism, traveling up the silk road.

The year is now 220.

NARRATOR: I wonder if it'll reach China before it collapses again.

The year is now 225.

NARRATOR: Remember the Persian Empire?

PERSIANS: Yep.

NARRATOR: ...said the Persians, making a new one. Axum is getting so powerful they would like to build a long stick. Has anyone populated Madagascar yet?

BANTU and MALAY: Let's do it together!

The year is now 280.

CHORUS: China is whole again!

The year is now 320.

CHORUS: Then it broke again.

NARRATOR: Still can't cross the Sahara Desert? Try camels!

CHORUS, as GHANA EMPIRE: Hell yeah! Now we've got business!

NARRATOR: ...said the Ghana Empire, selling lots of gold and slaves.

ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Hi, I live in the Roman Empire, and I was wondering-

CHORUS, as ROMAN CHRISTIAN: Is loving Jesus legal yet?

ROME: No.

The year is now 330.

CONSTANTINE: Actually, okay, sure.

NARRATOR: ...said Constantine, moving the capital way over here to be closer to his-

CHORUS: Main rival!

CONSTANTINE: Don't worry about Rome; it won't fall.

The year is now 400.

CHORUS: It's the golden age of India!

NARRATOR: There's the Gupta Empire, not Chandragupta, just Gupta... First name Chandra... The First. Guess who's in Rome.

CHORUS: Barbarians!

NARRATOR: What's a barbarian?

ROMANS: Non-Romans.

NARRATOR: ...said the Romans, being invaded by non-Romans.

The year is now 476.

NARRATOR: R.I.P. Roman Empire. Er, actually just half of it; the other half is just fine, but it's not in Rome anymore, so let's give it a new name.

CHORUS: The Mayans have figured out the stars!

NARRATOR: Oh, and here's a huge city, population: everyone.

The year is now 576.

NARRATOR: The Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian steppe. Great job, Göktürks. How's India? Broken. How's China?

CHORUS: Back together.

NARRATOR: How's those trading kingdoms?

CHORUS: Bigger, and there's more of them.

NARRATOR: Korea has three kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom; it's the sunrise kingdom.

An intermission occurs. The year is now 610.

NARRATOR: Deep in the Arabian desert, on the top of a mountain, the real god whispers in Muhammad's ear, so he goes down to the cube where everyone worships gods, and he tells them their gods are all fake...

The year is now 622.

NARRATOR: ...and everyone got so mad at him that he had to leave town and go to a different town. You can make a religion out of this...

The year is now 650.

NARRATOR: ...and maybe conquer the world as well. The Roman Empire is long gone, but somehow, the Pope is still the Pope! Plus, there's-

CHORUS: New kingdoms all over Europe!

NARRATOR: I wonder if there's room for Moors.

The year is now 786.

NARRATOR: Here's all the wisdom, in a house: it's the Baghdad House of Wisdom, just in time for the-

CHORUS: Islamic Golden Age!

SWAHILI: Let's bring stuff to the coast, and sell it, and become the Swahili on the Swahili Coast.

NARRATOR: ...said the Swahili on the Swahili Coast.

NARRATOR: Remember this tiny space you have to go through to get from here to there? Someone owns that now.

NARRATOR: Wanna get enlightened in the middle of nowhere?

NARRATOR: The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe, and the Pope is so proud that he invites the king over for Christmas.

The year is now 800.

POPE: Surprise! You're the new Roman Emperor!

NARRATOR: ...said the Pope, pretending to still be part of the Roman Empire. Then, the Franks broke their kingdom into what will later be called France and Not France. The Northerners (or just Norse, if you don't have much time) are exploring. They go north, from the north, to the northern north, and they find some land, two types of land, and they name them accordingly.

Large text comes on screen reading, "prankd."

NARRATOR: They also invade some other places and get called many names, such as Vikings.

The year is now 882.

NARRATOR: There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus.

IO: Are they Vikings?

KIEVAN RUS: I don't think so.

NARRATOR: ...said the Kievan Rus.

IO: Okay, fair enough.

NARRATOR: The Pope is ready to make some more emperors of the Roman Empire, the Holy Roman Empire. It's actually Germany, but don't worry about it! New kingdoms!

DISTORTED VOICE: CHRISTIANIZE ALL THE KINGDOMS!

NARRATOR: Which brand would you like?

ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mine's better.

EASTERN ORTHODOX CHURCH: Mine's better.

ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Mine's better.

The year is now 1066.

WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR: Time to conquer England.

NARRATOR: ...said William.

The year is now 1071.

NARRATOR: It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the Seljuk Turks!

BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Aah!

NARRATOR: ...said the Byzantine Empire, who's getting so small it almost doesn't exist anymore.

BYZANTINE EMPIRE: We need help!

NARRATOR: They need help, so they call the Pope.

BYZANTINE EMPIRE: Hey, Pope, can you help us get rid of the Seljuks? Maybe take back the Holy Land on the way? Come on, I know you want to take back the Holy Land.

POPE: Yes, I do actually want to do that. Let's do a Crusade.

The year is now 1099.

CHORUS: Crusade!

NARRATOR: They did many crusades, some of which almost didn't fail, but at the least the Italians got some sweet trade deals.

The year is now 1100.

NARRATOR: Goodbye, Mayans.

CHORUS: Hello, Toltecs!

NARRATOR: Goodbye, Toltecs.

CHORUS: Hello, Mississippi!

NARRATOR: Look at those mounds! There's the Pueblo. I've always wondered how to build a town on a cliff.

The year is now 1150.

NARRATOR: Guess who's here? Khmer!

IO: Where?

NARRATOR: Here, and Pegan is there! Vietnam unconquered itself, Korea just became itself...

The year is now 1192.

NARRATOR: ...and Japan is so addicted to art that the military might have to take over the government. China just invented bombs and typing...

The year is now 1230. It rapidly starts to count upward as the Mongols spin and fly all over north Asia. The year ends on 1259.

NARRATOR: ...and the Mongols just invaded most of the universe. (sarcastically) Nice going, Genghis! I bet that will last a long time.

The Mongol Empire that was just formed shatters.

NARRATOR: Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected by the Mongol invasions because they were busy invading India.

Bright, happy text comes on the screen reading, "tonga time."

NARRATOR: Is it Tonga time?

TONGAN: I think it's Tonga time!

Text comes on screen reading, "colonizing the pacific ocean..." The Tu'i Tonga Empire forms.

NARRATOR: I just found out where the Swahili gets all their gold!

It is shown that the gold comes from the Great Zimbabwe, as the Great Zimbabwe is highlighted.

NARRATOR: Look at this "chad" (it means lake). There's an empire there, right in the middle of-

CHORUS: Africa!

The year is now 1324.

NARRATOR: The King of Mali is so rich, he's going on tour to let everyone know.

NORTH AFRICA and THE MIDDLE EAST: Wow, that guy's rich.

NARRATOR: ...everyone said. The Christians are doing a great job reconquering Iberia, which will soon be called Spain and Not-Spain.

IBERIAN PENINSULA: Please remain Christian. We will check in later to see if you're still Christian when you least expect.

The year is now 1350.

NARRATOR: Whoops! Half of Europe just died!

CHORUS: Ming!

NARRATOR: China's back, yay!

The year is now 1400.

Hey Khmer, time to share! New kingdoms here and there. Oh, look who controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit-

The buzz of an "incorrect" buzzer buzzes.

NARRATOR: Majahapit-

Buzzes.

NARRATOR: Mapajahit-

Buzzes.

NARRATOR: Mahapajit-

Buzzes.

NARRATOR: Mapajahit-

Buzzes.

NARRATOR: Ma-ja-pa-hit?

The ring of a "correct" bell rings. The year is now 1450.

NARRATOR: Oh, Italy's really rich. Time for them to care a lot about art and the ancient classics. It's kinda like a re-birth.

The text on the screen reads "renaissance".

NARRATOR: Here's a printer, let's make books!

BYZANTINE EMPIRE: So you think you can conquer the Byzantine Empire?

OTTOMAN TURKS: Yep.

NARRATOR: ...said the Ottoman Turks. Nice job, Ottoman Turks!

The year is now 1453.

NARRATOR: Oops, you missed a spot. Don't forget to ban Europe from the Indian spice trade.

PORTUGAL: What? That's bullshit!

NARRATOR: ...said Portugal, spiceless.

CHORUS, as PORTUGAL: Well, I guess we'll have to find another way to India!

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: Wait!

NARRATOR: ...said Christopher Columbus, probably smoking crack.

COLUMBUS: If the world is round, let's go this way to India!

PORTUGAL: Nah, don't worry, we already got this

NARRATOR: ...said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain.

COLUMBUS: Hey, Spain, wanna hire me to find India by going around the back of the world?

SPAIN: No.

COLUMBUS: Please?

SPAIN: No.

COLUMBUS: Please?

SPAIN: No.

COLUMBUS: Please?

SPAIN: Okay.

The year is now 1492.

NARRATOR: So he sails into the ocean and discovers... More ocean... And then discovers the Indies and Japan.

The year is now 1494.

SPAIN and PORTUGAL: Let's draw a line to decide who gets which half of the world.

NARRATOR: The Aztec and Inca Empires are off to a great start. I wonder if they know that Europe just discovered their continent?

NARRATOR: The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many royal families that they might have to start marrying each other.

The year is now 1500.

NARRATOR: Move over, Lithuania! Here comes Moscow. Ivan wants to make Russia great again. Move over, Timurids; maybe go invade India or something.

The year is now 1501.

NARRATOR: Persia just made Persia Persian again. Let's make it the other kind of Islam, the one where we thought the first guy should have been the other guy.

ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH: Hey, Christians! Do you sin? Now you can buy your way out of Hell.

MARTIN LUTHER: That's bullshit, this whole thing is bullshit, that's a scam, fuck the church. Here's 95 reasons why.

NARRATOR: ...said Martin Luther, in his new book which might have accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.

SULEIMAN THE MAGNIFICENT: You know what would be magnificent?

NARRATOR: ...said Suleiman, wearing an onion hat.

The year is now 1530.

SULEIMAN: What if the Ottoman Empire was really big, which it is now?

The year is now 1556.

IVAN THE TERRIBLE: What if Russia was big?

NARRATOR: ...said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.

NARRATOR: Portugal had a dream that they controlled the entire Indian Ocean, including the Spice Trade... and then that dream was real. And Spain realized that this is not India, but they pillaged it anyway!

ENGLAND and FRANCE: Damn.

NARRATOR: ...said England and France.

ENGLAND and FRANCE: We gotta start pillaging some stuff.

NARRATOR: Then, the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters move to Amsterdam.

The year is now 1600.

AMSTERDAM: Damn.

NARRATOR: ...said Amsterdam.

AMSTERDAM: We gotta start pillaging some stuff.

ENGLAND, FRANCE, and THE DUTCH: Question 1: Can you get to India through North America? No, but at least there's beaver. Question 2: Steal the Spice Trade.

NARRATOR: That's not a question, but the Dutch did it anyway.

CHORUS: Sugar!

The year is now 1640.

NARRATOR: Guess where all the sugar is made. In Brazil-

THE DUTCH: Stolen!

NARRATOR: -In the Caribbean, and it's so goddamn profitable that you might forget to not do slavery. The next thing on Russia's to-do-list is to get bigger.

The year is now 1754.

NARRATOR: Britain and France are having a friendly discussion about who should control the entire world, more specifically Ohio.
Then it escalates into a seven year discussion, giving Prussia a chance to show Austria who's boss.

IO: But what about Britain and France? Did they figure out who's boss?

NARRATOR: Yes, they did! It's Britain. Guess who's broke. Also Britain, so they start taxing the Hell out of America.

The year is now 1776.

AMERICA: Fuck you.

NARRATOR: ...says America, declaring their independence and fighting for it, and France helps them win. Now, France is broke...

The year is now 1788.

NARRATOR: ...and Britain will have to send their prisoners to a different continent.

IO: Wait, if France is broke, why do the king and queen still wear such fancy dresses?

The year is now 1794.

ROBESPIERRE: Let's overthrow the palace and cut all their heads off!

NARRATOR: ...says Robespierre, cutting everybody's head off until someone eventually got mad and cut his head off.

IO: You could make a religi-

NARRATOR: No, don't. Haiti is starting to like the idea of a revolution...

The year is now 1791.

NARRATOR: ...especially the slaves, who free themselves by killing their masters.

TOUSSAINT L'OUVERTURE: Why didn't we think of this before?

IO: Wait, who's in charge of France now?

The year is now 1804.

CHORUS, as NAPOLEON: Me!

NARRATOR: ...said Napoleon, trying to take over Europe. Luckily, they banished him to an island-

CHORUS: But he came back!

NARRATOR: Luckily, they banished him to another island.

A burst of horns play.

NARRATOR: There goes Latin America, becoming independent in the Latin American Wars of Independence.

They last from the year 1812 to about 1830.

NARRATOR: Britain just figured out how to turn steam into power, so now, they can make-

CHORUS: Many different types of machines, and factories with machines in them, so they can make a lot of products real fast.

NARRATOR: Then, they invent some trains and conquer India and maybe put some trains there.

BRITAIN: Hey, China!

NARRATOR: ...said Britain.

BRITAIN: Buy stuff from us!

CHINA: Nah, dude, we already got everything.

NARRATOR: ...says China, so Britain tried to get them addicted to opium, which worked, actually, but then, China made it illegal...

The year is now 1839.

NARRATOR: ...and dumped it all into the sea, so Britain threw a hissy fit and made them open up five cities and give them an island. Britain and Russia are playing a game where they try and stop each other from conquering Afghanistan. Also, the-

CHORUS: Sultan of Oman lives in Zanzibar now.

NARRATOR: That's just where he lives.

The year is now 1857.

NARRATOR: India just had a revolution, and they would like to govern themselves now.

BRITAIN: Nope.

NARRATOR: ...said Britain, governing them even harder than before.

The screen reads, "HI I JUST SENT YOU A MESSAGE THRU A WIRE," while the Morse Code for "SEXLOL" plays in the background.

CHORUS: Technology is about to go crazy!

The year is now 1863.

NARRATOR: The United States finally figured out whether slavery is good or bad.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN: It's bad.

NARRATOR: ...they decided, and then, they continued manifesting their destiny, which is to kill the rest of the natives and take their land and maybe kick out the Mexicans too.

The year is now 1884.

EUROPE: I know! Let's rape Africa.

NARRATOR: ...said Europe, scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest. (They never got Ethiopia.) Britain and France are still hungry! (They never got Thailand.) The United States ran out of destiny to manifest, so they're looking for more.

CHORUS: Hawaii and Cuba!

IO: Wait! Spain controls Cuba!

UNITED STATES: Well, blame something on them, and go to war.

AMERICANS: What should we blame on Spain?

The U.S.S. Maine explodes in the Gulf of Mexico.

UNITED STATES: Let's blame the Maine on Spain

NARRATOR: ...so they blame the Maine on Spain.

The year is now 1898.

AMERICANS: Now, we're in business!

NARRATOR: To celebrate, they kick Panama out of Panama and make a canal, connecting the two oceans.

The year is now 1908.

NARRATOR: Britain just found oil in the Middle East. (It makes cars go.)

The year is now 1911.

NARRATOR: China is so tired of being bossed around that they delete their old government and make a new, stronger government, which is accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy from the previous government. Europe hasn't had a war since the last war...

The year is now 1914.

NARRATOR: ...so they start World War I. Look at those guns! It's gonna be a "Great War" - so great we won't need a second one. After it's over, they blame Germany.

The year is now 1917.

NARRATOR: Russia went on strike, and the workers overthrew the government. Now, everyone's paycheck is the same.

The year is now 1922.

CHORUS: Communism, in the Soviet Union!

NARRATOR: The Arabs revolt...

The year is now 1917.

NARRATOR: ...and Britain helps.

BRITAIN: (Offscreen) Now, the Ottoman Empire is gone,

The year is now 1922.

BRITAIN: (Offscreen) So we can give the-

CHORUS: Jewish people a place to live!

NARRATOR: Hopefully, the Arabs won't mind.

SYKES and PICOT: Let's cut the cake!

NARRATOR: ...said Sykes and Picot, cutting up the remains of the Not-So-Ottoman-Anymore Empire.

The year is now 1923.

CHORUS: Except Turkey! Turkey makes a brand new Turkey!

NARRATOR: ...and then, the Saudis conquer Arabia. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

A phone rings.

IO: Hello?

THE 1920s: Yes, it's the 1920s calling. Let's get in a car and drive to a party and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the movies. The economy is great, and it will probably be great forever- just kidding!

A slide whistle with decreasing pitch briefly plays. The year is now 1933.

NARRATOR: Germany is back, featuring Hitler, the angry mustache model, and he's mad at the Jews for existing. Japan is finally conquering the East, and they're so excited...

The year is now 1937.

NARRATOR: ...they rape Nanking way too hard. They should probably just deny it.

The year is now 1945.

NARRATOR: Hitler's out of control, so the international community tackles him and tries to explain why killing all the Jews is a bad idea. But he kills himself before they could explain it to him.

CHORUS: That's World War II!

NARRATOR: Bonus Round!

Air horns momentarily play in the background.

NARRATOR: (Like Announcer from Mortal Kombat) Pacific Showdown: United States versus Japan! Fight!

A drop-down menu that reads "weapon select" pops up, and the U.S. cursor moves down from "boat" to "plane" to "extinction ball." It is picked, dropped on Japan, and an explosion results. The year is now 1945.

NARRATOR: (Like Announcer from Mortal Kombat) Finish him!

Another one is dropped, and another explosion follows.

NARRATOR: Let's unite all the nations and have some-

CHORUS: World peace!

NARRATOR: Seems legit.

GANDHI: Hi, I'm Gandhi, and if Britain doesn't get the Hell out of India, I'm gonna starve myself in public.

The year is now 1947. Britain leaves.

GANDHI: Wow, that worked?

NARRATOR: Bonus! Now, there's Pakistan. Actually, two Pakistans; one of them can be Bangladesh later. The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out which one of them should live in the Holy Land.

JEWS and ARABS: Me!

NARRATOR: ...they both said at the same time.

The year is now 1947.

UNITED NATIONS: Let's divide up the land so everyone's happy.

CHORUS: Sike! They both get angrier.

NARRATOR: Look out, China!

The year is now 1949.

NARRATOR: There's a new China in China! What's on the menu?

PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC of CHINA: Communism!

REPUBLIC of CHINA: No, thanks.

NARRATOR: ...said the other China, escaping to an island. I wonder which one is the real China?

The year is now 1950.

NARRATOR: There's the Korean War: Korea versus Korea. Nobody wins and then it's on pause forever. Let's meet the sponsors! Oh, it's the two global superpowers. They're having a friendly debate over which economic system is good and which one is an evil virus of Satan. And they both have atom bombs.

NARRATOR: (With an echo) FIGHT!

NARRATOR: Wait, no, that would be the end of the world. Let's just keep it cool and spy on each other instead, and make sure we have enough atom bombs.

The year is now 1957.

SOVIET UNION: I'll race you to space.

The year is now 1969. An American rocket ship is shown to land on the moon.

SOVIET UNION and UNITED STATES: Now, let's make some more countries fight themselves.

NARRATOR: Europe is tired of pillaging other continents, and the continents they were pillaging are tired of being pillaged. So here's a new map, with new countries! Now, you can't tell who they're being pillaged by.

The year is now 1963.

NARRATOR: The United States finally decided whether racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad, and the world agrees. South Africa might need another minute to think about it. Let's check the world population.

A graph is shown, displaying a spike upward in population that jumped from "a billion" at the beginning of the 1800s to "way more" around the beginning of the 2000s.

IO: Whoa... Okay.

NARRATOR: Technology is better too; that might keep happening. The Soviet Union decides to relax a little...

The year is now 1991.

NARRATOR: ...and accidentally falls apart. Europe makes a union...

The year is now 1999.

NARRATOR: ...so now, they can all use the same money, except Britain 'cause they don't feel like it. Let's check the mail! Surprise! It's on the computer.

The year is now 2001.

NARRATOR: Whoops, someone just attacked America. I bet they'll remember that. Phone call! Surprise! It's in your pocket. Wanna learn everything? Surprise! It's on the computer. Now, your phone's a computer, which is in your pocket.

A chart of the 2008 economic recession is shown.

NARRATOR: Whoops, the economy just crashed. Don't worry, the big banks won't fail because they're not supposed to. Surprise! Flying robots, with bombs. Wanna print a brain? Some people have no friends, some people have no food, the globe is warming-

CHORUS: And the ocean is full of plastic!

EVERYBODY: Let's save the planet!

NARRATOR: ...said everybody, not knowing how.

The year is now 2028.

THING INVENTOR INVENTOR: Let's invent a thing inventor.

NARRATOR: ...said the thing inventor inventor, after being invented by a thing inventor. That's pretty cool. By the way, where the Hell are we?

Text comes on screen that reads, "Thanks for watching history. I hope I mentioned everything."