Hey, Mr. Postman!

[Spoken Intro: Henry Phillips, Stewart]
Good afternoon, Post Office. This is Stew, how may I help you?
Oh, hi, Stewart, how's it going?
I have a problem, my girlfriend, uh, just moved to New York
And she said that when she got there, she was gonna send me a post card
That had her new address and, stuff on it and
It's been over a week now and I haven't, uh, received anything at all
I was wondering if, uh, you can tell me why that might be
Uh, I wouldn't know what to tell you, but I'll tell it to the carries
The post has carries all out on the streets right now
Yeah...
As far as I know, they were delivеred
I don't see any reason for them not to dеliver
Well, uh, do you think maybe there's some problem that might have happened to the mail, just like, along the way?
Well, there's a lot of things that can happen' to a piece of mail
I mean, it can get stuck in the box when she dropped it
Getting torn up by a machine in the processing plant
Getting it sent to another city
Yeah, I just don't see why this particular piece of mail wouldn't have gotten here
Maybe 'cause she didn't mail it
I mean, this is my girlfriend, I know that she would've mailed this thing
As soon as she got there, I just, uh (Uhum)
So, what are you trying to say?

[Verse 1: Henry Phillips]
Hey, Mr. Postman, it's been three long days
And I still don't have a letter from my babe
She said that she would write me when she got to New York City
And I still don't have that letter from my babe

[Chorus 1: Henry Phillips]
Hey, Mr. Postman, what's the deal?
Why is the envelope not sealed?
Was the postage on the letter not enough?
Did they overfill your words and you lost my baby's letter?
Or did the boss treat you like garbage, so in order to feel better
Did you go down to the office with an AK-47
And just blew the other carriers away

[Post-Chorus 1: Henry Phillips]
Please, Mr. Postman, don't delay

[Spoken Interlude: Henry Phillips, Call center employee 1]
...repair, can I help you?
Yeah, I have a problem, I haven't been getting any voicemail messages
Okay, uh, are you able to leave a message?
Well, who cares if I'm able to leave a message, I'm just trying to receive a message
Is there some problem going on, maybe like, on your end?
I doubt that very much
Well, I don't know what the problem is

[Verse 2: Henry Phillips]
Hey, Mr. Phoneman, it's been three long days
And I still don't have a message from my babe
She said she'd call the voicemail when she got to New York City
And there's still no freakin' message from my babe

[Chorus 2: Henry Phillips]
Hey, Mr. Phoneman, don't you think it's kinda funny
With all your automated systems and your interstate network
And your fiber-optic bullshit
That you still can't go three bloody days without screwing up my life
Even though I'm not a postman, I can still get pretty violent
And it takes more than weekend discounts for me to keep this matter silent
If I still don't have this message, I'll be waiting in the parking lot
At 5 o'clock tomorrow afternoon

[Post-Chorus 2: Henry Phillips]
Hey, Mr. Phoneman, see you soon

[Spoken Interlude 2: Henry Phillips, Call center employee 2]
I haven't gotten any email at all
Okay, so what I'd like you to do is send yourself an email
But what the hell good is it gonna do if I send myself an email
Right, well, maybe if you could send yourself an email
You could send her stuff
Well, I don't know what the damn problem is

[Verse 3: Henry Phillips]
Hey, World Wide Web Man, it's been three long days
And I still don't an email from my babe
I've been checking this stupid email now, for the past sixty hours
And there's still no freakin' email from my babe

[Chorus 3: Henry Phillips]
Hey, World Wide Web Man, did you overload your server
Or was something reconfigured?
Did you pick up some weird virus and it wiped out all your files?
If tomorrow comes around and I still don't have a message
Well, I wouldn't wanna be you when you find an unknown package
That appears outside your doorstep and you find inside a lead pipe
Built with rusty nail and nitroglycerin

[Post-Chorus 3: Henry Phillips]
And it blows your sorry ass to smithereens

[Outro: Henry Phillips]
World Wide Web Man, don't you mess with me
Hey, Mr. Phoneman, don't be mean
Please, Mr. Postman, can't you see?
I'll blow your sorry ass to smithereens