Heath, Ohio (Monologue)

[Interlude]
Well, I'll tell you
I played, uh
The opening of a goth store
In a mall in Heath, Ohio
*Audience laughing*
And, uh, I went there ready to play my songs
And I pulled out my guitar
And I suddenly realized
It's the middle of the day
I'm in the middle of a mall
And there's all sorts pe-normal people walking around
*Audience applauding*
And I suddenly, like, I'm going through the mental rolodex, like
Oh my God what songs have I written that don't include like
Buggery and vivisection and blastphemy, and like oh my God
And then I thought of one
I have a song, it's a Star Trek song
And there's not a single bad word in the whole song
I'll play that
So I start playing this particular song
And I swear to God there's photographs that document this
This eighty ear old couple was walking by
And they stopped right in front of me
And they were standing there
Listening to me play this particular Star Trek song
And there's this, you know, there's this little, sort of pause in the song
Where I go: *plays guitar*
And during that moment I very audibly hear the old lady say to her husband
"I have no idea what he's saying, but it sound dirty"
*Audience applauding*
And she would be correct