Gone To Heaven

His uniform was baggy - he had gigantic feet
His hat was always cock-eyed & he had but a few teeth
And a schnozz as big as Baltimore - and a heart as big as Devon
Max Patkin made the children laugh - and for that he’s gone to Heaven

Max Patkin, he was Vaudeville - last of the old time clowns
Funniest looking fellow - that ever went from town to town
With the kind of face that he himself said - only a mother could love
With his loosey-goosey limbs - and his floppy leather glove

Max Patkin worked 3 innings - they let him coach first base
He’d call a meeting with the batter - and then kiss him on the face
Then he’d do his chicken walk - and then his geyser bit
Where he’d take a sip of soda - tilt his head back and spit

Max would leave ‘em howling - then be slumped upon his stool
With his back against a locker - filling the whirlpool
Dirtied up and sweaty - down to his stockinged feet
He’d give the clubhouse boy 5 dollars - to scrape the mud off of his cleats

The Clown Prince of Baseball - did 5,000 gigs
For 50 years he shared the bill - with circus dogs & talking pigs
And by the 9th inning - he’d be back at the motel
With an early morning wake-up call - and the next night he’d be someplace else

The towels in every motel room - they all smell like chlorine
From the Rookie Leagues to Triple A - and all points in between
And all those hotshot prospects - who ever were Big League bound
He saw ‘em on the way up - and some on the way back down

Oh, to be a clown these days - you’ve got to have thick skin
A flask in your back pocket - or a bottle of aspirin
The drunks sometimes’ll getcha - or the team that did not win
It’s tough to be a clown these days - you’ve got to have thick skin

Max Patkin loved the children - and the children, they loved him
His body would fall apart sometimes - but he’d patch it up for them
He never, ever, not even one time - sold an autograph
A funny man, Max Patkin - he made people laugh

The times changed on Max Patkin - along came Rock & Roll
They blare it from the speakers now - if ever there’s a lull
And some guy in a chicken suit - is circling the bases
With a corporate logo on his back - and in 1 or 2 other places

If there’s a St. Peter - sitting at the gate
He probably saw Max play sometime - and wiped clean Max’s slate
That corny old routine - dated back to 1947
Max Patkin made the children laugh - and for that he’s gone to Heaven