Give Out, Give In

[Kam Moye]
When I was growing up, old folks used to tell me, they said
"You better be careful how you talk to people and how you treat 'em
Because you never know what that man got going on in his life
You never know what he going through"
And that's true, because y'all have no idea what I've been dealing with

I've got a few things on my mind I need to say, at least
Get it off of my chest, address it this go round
This is more of a thank-God-I-made-it speech
I'm pouring my soul out the only way I know how
It's like my life shattered in a hundred pieces
I may smile but there's wounds hidden underneath it
No fam or friends mattered, this has always been battle
When you look in the mirror, see yourself and cringe at it
There's been nights I damn near give out
Me and depression, we've been going through this ten-year bout
It wasn't caused by money, it didn't stem from my income
I tried suicide, ending my life and then some
When you depressed, you can't see a brighter future
You don't believe the phrase that you lose some, win some
This ain't a mood, this is sickness and syndrome
It's hard to keep your faith when your hatred is ingrown
As many even as are grieving, I ain't even try
Lay down to sleep, don't give a fuck if I breathe or die
I ain't wanna look weak to the world
My girl asked me if I'm fine, I tell her the same frequent lie

Don't worry about me man, I'll be alright
Knahmsayin? It's been a rough road
But for some reason, I'm still here
My family keep telling me to stay strong
Wish I could say it was just that easy man
Trying not to give up

Now as a young boy I was taught to never let emotions show
Never get emotional and cry cause then folks would know
To not respect you, cause then they see how weak you are
They told me "Tough it out, wipe your tears, sleep it off"
But some problems weighed heavy on my self-esteem
Some black families think that prayer answers everything
I fell victim to believing if my soul was saved
I could snap my fingers and just make the pain go away
Plus my real daddy abandoned his family
And never thought twice to pay a visit after vanishing
It took years for me to start understanding things
But that's a lot of hurt for children to be handling
I used to blame myself and hold me responsible
But then it started making perfect sense after a while
I found out that he was making other babies
Even taking care of 'em, so now I'm feeling like the bastard child
I ain't solely blaming him for what I'm suffering through
That would make me just a brother with another excuse
But if I said it didn't affect me, I'd be lying
Slowly dying, these fools adding fuel to my fire
And I'm trying not to give up man

I swear I am
It's hard not to feel hate in your heart for somebody like that
I used to always ask myself why he never came back
Was it me? Was it my momma? Or was it just him?
I guess I'll never know the real reason

Now I done made my mistakes too and had to pay the price later
Got a girl pregnant when I was only a ninth grader
I thought my momma would murder me for my dirty deeds
I made that woman a grandmother at thirty-three
And I just ruined my possible opportunities
And never had my real poppa here properly grooming me
When other people my age were making prom plans
I was screaming "Push! Push!" holding my baby mom's hand
Now fast-forward, my daughter's a teenager
No longer a baby and I barely know what being thirty's like
And just when my life seemed to be in peace
And everything was in order Lord, now I got hurt in fights
You heard me right, when you dealing with your children
One argument and you go from a hero to a villain
Bit it's family, you share the bloodline, the same name
It's like I can't escape this never-ending blame game
I just wanna maintain, I just wanna stress less
I just wanna make being in depression a success
Hate looking at myself and seeing negative
I just wanna feel like I've got a reason to live
But I feel like I'm giving out

For real man, I made my mistakes man
A lot of things I shouldn't have done or say
A lot of situations I could've handled a whole lot better
I made a lot of bad choices
But it was hard to love anybody when I ain't even love myself
That's nobody's fault but my own
But I'm still holding on
I might give out, but I'm trying not to give in