Getting Married Today

[VICAR]
Bless this day
Pinnacle of joy
Boy unites with boy
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

[PAUL]
Today is for Jamie
Jamie, I give you the rest of my days
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever
Today is for Jamie
My lover, my partner, my life

[JAMIE]
Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there, I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding, I'd appreciate your going even more, I mean you must have lots of better things to do, and not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul, you know, the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is-

But I thank you all
For the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all
Now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

[VICAR]
Bless this day
Opposite of joy
Boy gets yoked to boy
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day

[JAMIE]
Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for, a wedding, what's a wedding, it's a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever, which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of, which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled with a nut, and wanna kill me, like he should-

So listen, thanks a bunch
But I'm not getting married-
Go have brunch
'Cause I'm not getting married-
You've been grand
But I'm not getting married-
Don't just stand there
I'm not getting married-
And don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

Go, can't you go?
Why is no-
Body listening?
Goodbye
Go and cry
At some other person's wake
If you're quick
For a kick
You could pick
Up a christening
But please
On my knees
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear, or do you want to see a crazy person fall apart in front of you, it isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life, you know we'll both of us be losing our identities, I telephoned my shrink and he said maybe I should come and see him Monday, but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage-

I'm not well
So I'm not getting married-
You've been swell
But I'm not getting married-
Clear the hall
'Cause I'm not getting married-
Thank you all
But I'm not getting married-
And don't tell Paul
But I'm not getting married today

[VICAR]
Bless this fool
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain

[PAUL]
Today is for Jamie

[JAMIE]
Go, can't you go?

[PAUL]
Jamie, I give you the rest of my days

[JAMIE]
Look, you know
I adore you all
But why
Watch me die
When I'm only being nice?

[PAUL]
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever

[JAMIE]
Look, perhaps
I'll collapse
In the apse
Right before you all
So take
Back the cake
Burn the shoes
And boil the rice

[PAUL]
Today is for Jamie, my lover, my partner, my life

[JAMIE]
Look, I didn't wanna have to
Tell you, but I may be coming
Down with hepatitis, and I
Think I'm gonna faint, so if
You wanna see me faint, I'll
Do it happily, but wouldn't
It be funnier to go and watch
A funeral, so thank you for the
Twenty-seven dinner plates
And thirty-seven salad bowls
And forty-seven picture frames
Fifty-seven candleholders-

[PAUL]
One more thing-

[JAMIE]
I am not getting married!

[CHOIR]
Amen!

[PAUL]
Softly said-

[JAMIE]
But I'm not getting married!

[CHOIR]
Amen!

[PAUL]
With this ring-

[JAMIE]
Still I'm not getting married!

[CHOIR]
Amen!

[PAUL]
I thee wed

[JAMIE]
See, I'm not getting married!

[CHOIR]
Amen!

[PAUL] [JAMIE]
Let us pray Let us pray
That we are getting married That I'm not getting married
Today! Today!

[CHOIR]
AMEN!