Gaston

[Gaston, spoken]
Who does she think she is? That girl has tangled with the wrong man!

[Lefou, spoken]
Darn right!

[Gaston, spoken]
No one says "no" to Gaston! Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear!

[Lefou, spoken]
More beer?

[Gaston, spoken]
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced

[Lefou, spoken]
Who, you? Never! Gaston, you've got to pull yourself together

(sung)
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston
Looking so down in the dumps
Ev'ry guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're ev'ryone's favorite guy
Ev'ryone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why...

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

[Lefou & Chorus]
No one's been like Gaston
A king pin like Gaston

[Lefou]
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston

[Gaston]
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating

[Chorus]
My what a guy, that Gaston!
Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip-hips!"

[Lefou]
Gaston is the best
And the rest is all drips!

[Chorus]
No one fights like Gaston!
Douses lights like Gaston!

[Lefou]
In a wrestling match nobody bites like Gaston

[Bimbettes]
For there's no one as burly and brawny

[Gaston]
As you see, I've got biceps to spare!

[Lefou]
Not a bit of him's scraggly or scrawny

[Gaston]
That's right!
And every last inch of me's covered with hair!

[Chorus]
No one hits like Gaston
Matches wits like Gaston

[Lefou]
In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston!

[Gaston]
I'm especially good at expectorating
Ptooie!

[Chorus]
Ten points for Gaston!

[Gaston]
When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs
Ev'ry morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge!

[Chorus]
Oh, ahhh, wow!
My what a guy, that Gaston!
No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston

[Lefou]
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston

[Gaston]
I use antlers in all of my decorating

[Chorus]
My what a guy
Gaston!