Gaston

[BIG RED]
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
Even when taking your lumps
There's no man in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite guy
Everyone's awed and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

[ENSEMBLE]
No one's been like Gaston
A kingpin like Gaston

[BIG RED]
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston

[E.J.]
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating

[ENSEMBLE]
My, what a guy, that Gaston

[E.J.]
When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge

[ENSEMBLE]
No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston

[BIG RED]
Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston

[E.J.]
I use antlers in all of my decorating

[ENSEMBLE]
Say it again
Gaston