Game Night

Ted from 2030: Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall is that he's always been good at games. I mean, unbeatable. Gin! Yahtzee! Poker!

Ted: You don't have to shout out "poker" when you win.

Marshall: I know. It's just fun to say.

Ted from 2030: We all finally agreed Marshall should be running our game nights instead of playing in them. Which he took to mean, "invent your own game."

The Bar

Marshall: It's called "Marsh-gammon." It combines all the best features of all the best games... Candy Land, I Never, Pictionary.

Robin: Backgammon, obviously.

Marshall: No. Backgammon sucks. I took the only good part of backgammon, the "gammon," and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs.

Lily: I'm so excited Victoria's coming.

Robin: I'm going to go get another round.

Ted: Okay, I want to lay down some ground rules for tonight. Barney, I actually like Victoria... a lot, so don't say anything embarrass... Don't say anything. And guys, I haven't exactly told Victoria that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin, so we you could just avoid the...

Barney: Well, well, well. How rich. You make me promise to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, yet, you have been lying to her since day one. Excuse me.Hi. Leg Warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. So, nothing for him to stand on? Okay, and thanks so much. Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know that you once had the hots for Robin? I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return.

Ted: No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that.

Lily: Ooh, I am smelling dirt. What is the story of the re-return?

Ted: Nothing. It's nothing. And speaking of digging up dirt, can I count on you two to behave around Victoria?

Lily: Us? What would we do?

Ted: Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents that I still have and, in fact, moved here to get away from. However, could we skip the traditional interrogation of the new girlfriend tonight?

Marshall: Fine.

Lily: Fine.

Ted: Thank you.

Lily: I should go help Robin.

Robin: Hey.

Lily: Hey. So, are you going to be okay hanging out with Victoria tonight?

Robin: Oh, sure. She's great. Oh, what? Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted? No. Victoria's great. She's fun, she's free-spirited, she's great. I said, "She's great" too many times, didn't I?

Lily: You must really hate the bitch.

The appartment

Marshall: But if you roll an even number while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go into the pot, and remember, if you ever ask the question "What?", then... you got to drink. Got it?

All: No

Marshall: Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just start, you guys'll pick it up. Newbie goes first. Roll.

Victoria: Okay.

Marshall: Three! You got Autobiography. Now, that's where you have to answer a personal question about your dating life truthfully in order to move on.

Ted: Marshall, come on.

Marshall: Hey, she's the one who rolled a three. Victoria, "Have you ever cheated while in a relationship?" Wow, good question.

Ted: You don't have to answer that.

Victoria: It's okay. Um, well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college, and I wound up kissing this guy at a party one night, and I felt terrible about it, so, I came clean, and we broke up.

Marshall: Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer. You may advance to The Gumdrop Mountains.

Barney: So Victoria, did you ever re-return to this guy?

Victoria: What?

Marshall: You said what, you got to drink!

Lily: Oh, Barney, by the way, I went to a party in that new building on 82nd, and the host said she knew you. What is her name? Sharon? Shannon?

Barney: Shannon?! Shannon, Shannon... No, don't remember any Shannon.

Lily: Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give...

Barney: Where's the tape?

Lily: Fine. I'll go get it.

Barney: Cool, okay. You know, whenever.

Marshall: Okay, Robin, your roll. Five! Another Autobiography... for the player to your left, which... Victoria!

Ted: Of course.

Marshall: Victoria, "How many boyfriends did you have before you started dating Ted?"

Ted: Wait, the card actually says "Ted?"

Victoria: Okay, uh, well, boyfriends--I guess I've only had... two.

Robin: Prude alert.

Victoria: Well... that's serious boyfriends. I've dated other guys in between.

Robin: Oh, slut alert!

Barney: Oh, great, there it is. Thanks, Lily. You're a peach. Oh, wow, look at that. Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp. That's five chips for me.

Marshall: Thank you! Finally somebody understands Marsh-gammon.

Lily: Barney, what was on that tape?

Barney: Too bad you'll never find out.

Lily: Oh, damn it! If only I'd given you a fake tape and hidden the real tape in my purse. Oh, wait. That's exactly what I did.

Barney: What?!

Marshall: Drink!

Lily: Yeah, you were acting so weird about it, I gave you Ted's graduation tape instead. So, should we pop it in?

Barney: Give it to me, give it, give me...

Ted: Play the tape, play it, play it!

Barney: Ted! Fine, fine. You cannot play it. Shannon! I love you! I love you so much. What about us changing the world together? Don't tell me you've forgotten. I know I haven't. Will I ever see another rainbow? Will an eagle ever soar through this tempest of woe? Baby, please Don't go There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love There's a thief in the palace and she's...

(Barney stands up and leave the appartment)

The Bar

Marshall: Did you try his cell phone?

Ted: Yeah, I left two messages. I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. He's off the grid.

(Barney arrives)

Barney: Hey, guys, what up?

Robin: Barney, where have you been?

Ted: Yeah, we're-we're really sorry about that.

Lily: Yeah, so sorry. But seriously, what was up with the tape? No, no, stay.

All: Come on. Stay!

Barney: I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it. It was the most embarrassing, and humiliating thing that ever happened to me.

Marshall: Well, we all have embarrassing stories. Sometimes it's good to-to talk about it.

Barney: Oh, really? Then why don't you tell us your most humiliating moment, Marshall? Show me how good it is.

Marshall: All right.

[FLASHBACK]

Marshall: I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, but they were all at recess. I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, so I figured I should sit down. What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom. I wish I'd pulled up my pants.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Lily: The kids still call him Funny Butt.

Barney: Okay. I'll tell you my story. Believe it or not, I was not always as awesome as I am today.

[FLASHBACK]

Barney: It was 1998. I was just out of college, and I was working at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend. My girlfriend... *Shannon. Yeah, you were meant for me And I was meant for you. Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh.* Thank you. All right.

Shannon: I love your singing, Barney.

Barney: And I love you, Shannon.

Shannon: Joining the Peace Corps with you is gonna be legendary.

Barney: I know. Only five short weeks till we're down in Nicaragua.

Man: Hey, nonfat latte to go.

Barney: Mellow order, bro, mellow order.

Man: Dude, that your g-friend? All right, high five!

Barney: Sorry, I only give high twos.

Man: Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that.

Barney: Listen to you. That? You know, wo