Football Crazy (1997 version)

[Verse 1]
Now, you all know my wee brother
And his name is Jock McGraw
And he’s lately joined a football club
For he’s mad aboot football
And he’s had three black eyes already
And teeth out frae 'is gob
Since our Jock became a member o'
That terrible football club

[Chorus]
Oh, he’s football crazy!
He’s football mad!
And the football, it has robbed him o'
The wee bit o' sense he had
And it would take a dozen skivvies
His clothes to wash and scrub
Since our Jock became a member o'
That terrible football club

[Verse 2]
Now, the first match he took part in
I was there me-self, and saw
He had two half bricks for the goal posts
And a tin can for the ball
The Provost o' Glasgow, he was there
With lords and ladies fair...
Our Jock ran out and kicked the tin can
Two miles in the air!

[Chorus]
And, oh, he’s football crazy!
He’s football mad!
And the football, it has robbed him o'
The wee bit o' sense he had
And it would take a dozen skivvies
His clothes to wash and scrub
Since our Jock became a member o'
That terrible football club

[Verse 3]
In the middle o' the field at Hampden Park
The captain says “McGraw!
Would ye kindly take this penalty kick
Or we’ll never win at all!"
So he ran like mad, and he kicked the ball
And it went up like a cork
And the ball went sailin' over the stand
And headin' for New York

[Chorus]
And oh, he’s football crazy!
He’s football mad!
And the football, it has robbed him o'
The wee bit o' sense he had
And it would take a dozen skivvies
His clothes to wash and scrub
Since our Jock became a member o'
That terrible football club

[Instrumental break – interpolation of the Match of the Day TV theme.]

[Verse 3]
Now, his wife says she will leave him
That's if he disnae keep
Right away from football kickin'
In the nighttime, when he’s asleep
For he calls her Eric Cantona
And other names so droll
Last night he kicked her out of the bed
And shouted "It's a goal!"

[Chorus]
And oh, he’s football crazy!
He’s football mad!
And the football, it has robbed him o'
The wee bit o' sense he had
And it would take a dozen skivvies
His clothes to wash and scrub
Since our Jock became a member o'
That terrible football club