Folk Monologue / Value - Live in Central Park

[spoken]
Can I get my glass of tea?
Mmm, there's nothing like it!
At this time I would like very much to do a folk song
Since folk songs, I think, are still popular today
This one is in Latvian and it's from Latvia
And it's about this Tahitian girl who had this lover
And one day the lover decides that he doesn't like her anymore and he likes her sister better
So she decided that the only thing to do, naturally, was to kill herself, see?
So one day it was very nice out, about 75 degrees, and she was taking this walk down to the river to drown when shе tripped over this rock, see?
And - oh, it was awful
I mean, shе broke her glasses, she scraped her knees
And just at this minute the lover and the sister happen to come by in a taxi-cab
So they saw her on the floor and she, having an astigmatism in her left eye, she thought that it was a wild boar
So she figured 'Oh boy, I'd better get down to the river fast to drown.'
So she runs down there and - what do you know - the river was frozen
So, I mean, she just stood there, you know?
And she went "Tchhh" like that
T.C.H
So she couldn't do it that day
See, it was a small town - they only had one river
So anyway then she figured, 'Uh-oh it's getting late', and she better get home 'cause her mother would be worried and would kill her if she was late for supper, you know?
So, I mean, she gets up and she starts walking on home and she bumps into this guy, and - what do you know - he turns out to be an optometrist
And just happens to happen to have her "suscription"
So, anyway - huh?
Oh I'm sorry, subscription
So anyway, I mean, she's-
I don't want you to think that this is one of those Hollywood-type stories, you know?
She gets the glasses and sees happily ever after
I mean this is, you know, not like that
I mean she had to pay for the glasses just like you and me, she -
Well, I mean, I don't want you to think that I'm lying but she did get about a dollar fifty off, dollar sixty-five?
So anyway, this guy turned out to be very nice and he even told her where she could find another river
So, I'll tell you the truth
This girl was a real creep
I mean, you know?
Who would wanna sing a song about her?
I mean, her sister was really much nicer
And I think she came from a better family

[sung]
Call me a boob
Call me a schlemiel
Call me a brain with a missing wheel

Call me what you will
But the nonetheless I'm still
In love with Harold Mengert
And it's not because he has a car
Arnie Fleischer has a car
And a car is just a car
But if Harold didn't have a car to his name
I guess I'd love him just the same

Call me what you will
But the nonetheless I'm still
In love with Harold Mengert
And it's not because he has a wealthy family
Arnie Fleischer has a wealthy family
But money isn't everything
And if Harold didn't have a car to his name
I know I'd love him just the same

But sometimes I ask myself, why then
Do I then love Harold Mengert?
Harold isn't handsome, or clever, or smart
And I don't find romance set to dance in his heart
The only answers I can think of are
Harold Mengert's money and Harold Mengert's car

Call me what you will
But the nonetheless I'm still
In love with Harold Mengert

[spoken]
Also Arnie Fleischer