Fight Club 4 Kids

[Chuck Palahniuk]

Hi, my name is Chuck Palahniuk and I'm the author of...really just "Fight Club." And since my audience, my readership, is growing older and having children and dying, I've decided to reintroduce the book to a whole new generation.

And that's why I've written "Fight Club 4 Kids."

Once there was a boy who had no name
He couldn't sleep, and that was a shame
He met a friend with spiky hair
The friend was, maybe, not really there
Sometimes the friend would say silly things like
"Quit your job!
Start a fight!
Prove that you're alive!
I want you to hit me as hard as you can!
You are not your fucking khakis! "

I'm so sorry this is for kids. This is supposed to be for kids. I'll try it again.

The two boys liked to horse around
Flicking and pinching and roughhousing on the ground
"Let's start a club," said the spiky haired friend
We'll call it the 'Horsing Around Club' and we'll just, we'll just

Fucking go to town on each other! Just visceral, disturbing shit you know? Really just fist to fucking face, beating the fucking shit out of one another.

[A voice is heard off-screen, presumably a producer of some kind]

[Chuck Palahniuk]

Did I? Did...Okay. Again, my apologies. Let's just pull it back, okay?

But a club without rules wouldn't get very far
There were a few simple rules, and here's what they are:

1. You do not talk about Horsing Around Club.
2. You do not talk about Horsing Around Club.
3. If someone yells "Stop" or goes limp or taps out, the horsing around is over.
4. Only two friends can horse around at a time.
5. And if this is your first time, you have to horse around.
6. ...Also no weapons.

The horseplay would go on until it was done
And everyone who did it would always, always have fun
Especially the boy who had no name
Who once just like...

Beat this dude who was actually Jared Leto in the movie which was so fucking cool and intense. And he's just pummeling this guy, and of course being Jared Leto, he was essentially a model. But when our guy is done with him, he's just this purple, bloated, chewed up bubblegum looking motherfucker. Covered in blood head to toe and...

[muffled voices that seem like producers]

They all lived happily ever after. Believe it or not.

Christmas is coming.