Enter Pan-Man

On Avenue C
With more Stussy
Than you've ever seen
Lived a young man
Not a dumb man
Graduate of Evergreen
In his undies
He read Sundie's
New York Times Help Wanted
But his CV's like the TV
Because there's nothing on it
Then he saw an ad
Under College Grad that said
"We are looking for a man
To be a star, a living Pan
If you're 18 to 24 we'll
Gibe you horn implants of coral
Plus an operation which removes
Your feet and gives you hooves
Rehab is free plus a loft" and
He didn't stop to think
Faxed the contact, Lloyd Kaufman
President of Troma Inc

The cloven Fauve in Paul Verhoeven's
Epic film entitled "Pan-Man"
Theme song was to "Enter Sandman"
Weird Al polka version
It was an action flick
Pan-Man kicked backwards attackers
Sent by the sexy matadortress
From her Spanish fortress
Of course the film was torturous
Lloyd Kaufman's masterpiece
Achieving wide release
Logos in the marquees
Said "Pac-Man" with the c's
Rotated ninety degrees
Troma had a premier at the MOMA
Paloma wore her signature aroma
A homeopathic doctor prone to
Diagnose glaucoma had Pan's Evergreen diploma
Shown to Williams and Sonoma

Forget the hourly salary
Househusbands get a dowry
Of aureum or else become
A Bowery bum
Pan met his wife at the clubs and
Now he's a househusband
He left his M2 staff in the lurch
They married at the Limelight
She wrote home of a church
His co-op cooking style impressed her
Her dad bought the home in Westchester
And funded Kaplan Review
MCAT
Med school
And residencies
Through three presidencies
Evidently
When their first son was born
Pan had his horns retracted
But at back-at-school-night
He couldn't hack it 'cause the racket
In the corridor
Had parents ready to act the toreador
The principal called a moritor-
Ium so he um
Wishes he could delete
Or at least backspace
Retrieve his feet
Forgo the back brace
His hooves had held him
On an awkward angle
Now he's got a Wrinkle in his Spine
Like Madeleine L'Engle
And that's the end of my snotty
Hiphoppity Gymnopedie
Not by Satie
But poignant
And it goes clipcloppity