Don’t Wanna Be Alive

[Verse 1]
Spent too many years of all my life on tryin' to right my wrong (yeah)
I look into the mirror, I see designs and think of writing songs (uh)
I see my past self, and the sparkle in his eyes
But when I see my eyes, I see the sparkle now has died (yeah)
He looks at me and asks if Mama's proud (yeah)
I look into the stars and I ask her "Mama, are you really proud?" (are you really proud?)
I may have never understood why you left when I was five
'Cause I cried myself to sleep, wishing that you were alive
But growing up, I think that I can really see it (yeah)
It's a cruel, cruel word, so I get why you would leave it (uh)
And I may have been naïve to think you wouldn't really mean it (mm)
But I guess I'd act dumb, 'cause I didn't wan' believe it
This shit is tough, (yeah) don't really talk about my feelings (uh-huh)
'Cause there really ain't enough for it to have some sort of meaning (mm)
Some days, I be feeling hopeful, like I'm going good in life
But I think that I'm just coping from the pain I have inside

[Chorus]
'Cause I don't think there are remedies for aching hearts and memories (memories)
Fighting things nobody sees, I turn that shit to melodies (oh-oh)
I guess I do it just to put my mind at ease (put my mind at ease)
I've been trying (trying!), trying to survive (survive!)
I've been lying, lying (lying!), 'cause I don't wanna be alive (alive)

[Verse 2]
Throwing out more jokes, just to make myself feel better (yeah)
Tell 'em that it really works, but deep down, I'm feeling lesser (uh-huh)
I've been grinding all my life, I won't faultier under pressure
It's a fucking endless cycle of this pain and damn displeasure (uh-uh)
I've come to terms with it (Yeah), this shit won't ever end (uh)
I know you're there in spirit, but it's hard to play pretend
(how?) I don't know how you did it when you wanted it to end (yeah)
I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I guess I'll play pretend
I wanna set myself free from the hell I'm living in (yeah)
I've worked too damn hard, I ain't ever giving in
Well, at least I tell myself that, every single fucking time
And that every single time, it'll all be going fine (uh)
Look, I know that I've got enemies (yeah)
I'm sorry that you're hating me (yeah), I know I'm also blaming me (uh)
The switch ups, it amazes me (huh)
There's nothing I can do, I just wanna feel
Ain't talking things I plan to do, ain't ever gonna heal

[Chorus]
'Cause I don't think there are remedies for aching hearts and memories (memories)
Fighting things nobody sees, I turn that shit to melodies (oh-oh)
I guess I do it just to put my mind at ease (put my mind at ease)
I've been trying (trying!), trying to survive (survive!)
I've been lying, lying (lying!), 'cause I don't wanna be alive (alive)
'Cause I don't think there are remedies for aching hearts and memories (memories)
Fighting things nobody sees, I turn that shit to melodies (oh-oh)
I guess I do it just to put my mind at ease (put my mind at ease)
I've been trying (trying!), trying to survive (survive!)
I've been lying, lying (lying!), 'cause I don't wanna be alive (alive)

[Outro]
To all the peeps who hated me, please know I'd hate me too
I tried my best to change it, I didn't win, I knew
And to all my friends remaining, please know, my love has grew
You tried your best to love me, and that came from very few
And to that special someone, yes, I know that you know who
If you're really out there listening, please note, you didn't lose
We made a final promise, and I'm sorry, but it's true
I can't keep our final promise, and I swear it hurts me too