DO NOT REPEAT

Do not repeat. I repeat, do not repeat.
I'm sorry for dragging others into my own mess and not knowing how to break the cycle, for the longest time when the answers were right in front of me, family, simply going to them.
At my time of weakness.

I kept taking them for granted because I saw them every day.
I know people can't internally fix my issues.
That's a journey I need to take for self.
But I didn't know what self was. I knew me.

I know I existed in this plane of reality.
But everyone kept telling me, love yourself. Do this for yourself.
Be selfish. The lines got so blurred and I was a ticking time bomb.

Not really good for anyone.
I had the preconceived notion that if I helped others,
I would find me because I see this life as a collaborative effort.
But I guess not. It just got blurry.
But to not tell family at all about my issues,
tell my friends first that I got close towards
or the preconceived notion of closeness, but not my own family.

And break the trust for you to get better.
The loop persisted. Why did I air it out on all these platforms when I can just talk with the FAM?
All of us have our own different dysfunctions in the dynamic of family.
I'm not even going to lie.

For me, I saw that family was there, but not really there.
I felt isolated. I didn't fit in. In the churches,
in my own life, the groups I was in,
where I didn't realize the common problem was me.
I just spectated anywhere and everywhere until I realized my family is an extension of me.

I picked up so many habits from my family, so many nifty things, and turned it into my own world.
And I turned the pain within to my health.
They have experience while I'm young and impulsive.
But the fact that I could have spoke up all these years, most of that pain finally left because I decided to tell the right people instead of being a spectacle.
Why was there all this miscommunication?

I mean, I'm a hypocrite. Everyone got their own spiel to deal with. But there's no turning back.
I suppose I cannot fold sometimes I got to learn a life lesson.
The hardest way to really change.

Why did I not see anyone but myself these last couple of years?
And I mean that in the most repetitive and reactive, manic, episode having way that just blinds you of reasonable thought.
I tell myself, do not message. Do not message for a long time.
Do not say you're going to change.

I did this for months, years to the people around me.
I didn't figure out self. I'd continue with stuff like do not preach about this, that.
And the third, stop projecting, stop over explaining.
Just fix what needs to be fixed.

Don't say anything that doesn't need to be said.
Don't make anyone feel like you're a walking, talking contradiction preacher man,
but also a pusher talking artist depressing nonsense all the time.
1ft in, 1ft out in the world. What a burden.
Stop being weird.

Be better. Simple.
That's what I told myself.
And I also told myself isolation with no goal or direction would make me instantly better to where I wouldn't have to go through any of this.
But that didn't work.

Every time I would repeat and repeat.
This get worse overall. Until I found myself in the family.
And for the first time in forever,
I felt real. And I'm done.

That's all I have.