Dear Creationists

anyway new poem this is new and it's
disgusting are you ready
alright great

dear creationists
while I would like to
believe that humans are the pinnacle of
God's creation
I can in good conscience not

For instance may I present to you
the blue whale
The blue whale's penis is over eight feet long
its testicles weigh a hundred pounds
it ejaculates thirty-five pints of semen at a time
imagine 35 beers
now
instead of a delicious refreshing beverage imagine that those
beers are whale jizz
today in the presentation of my paper why human sex
is totally stupid buckets
I will attempt to expose

ha ha

human beings for what they truly are
lame as fuck
my first question creationists
if we are supposed to be so special
why is our sex so lame
boring boring I meant boring
anyway

Pig orgasms last for 30 minutes
when I orgasm it only lasts for five minutes if I am on drugs
and also lying
I am curious as to how pigs act after
they orgasm
do they also snore
do they also lie to their pig partners
in pig language
about how they will pig love them
pig forever

barnacle penises are 50 times as long as their bodies
and since barnacles are stationary
mating season is a symphony of humongous dongs
slapping around the colony until they
find a mate
and since barnacles are hermaphrodites
if they don't find a mate
they would literally fuck themselves
I realize that I have, until this point
only made dick jokes
allow me to rectify that

oh wait that's really difficult because science
like fucking everything else
is generally dominated by dudes
and therefore there is much more penis than
vagina based research
as such, allow me to present to you
my dear creationists
animal facts against the patriarchy

one
you may know that female praying
mantises decapitate and eat their mates
immediately after sexing them
but you probably don't know that
because of this
among praying mantises
there is no such thing as war
or poverty
or discrimination
or hatred
or loneliness...
or loneliness
or reruns
or really mean ex-girlfriends BECKY
and you might think that that's just
because they're bugs and you're right
but you're wrong

two
male seahorses carry the babies
and care for them once they're born
we can see here that male seahorses
like male humans
generally have the final say in what happens to
the unborn fetuses
ooh
Oh bad joke I gotta cut that
all right

three
ostriches are the only birds
that have clitorises
which doesn't make sense because birds don't have
fingers

speaking of clitorises

four
female hyenas develop clitorie -not a word-
that are larger than the male's penises
to mates they put the dick in the lady dick
if you've never heard of sounding
that's basically what it is
I've saved you a horrible discovery on the internet
you're welcome

in conclusion
dear creationists
it's not just that you're wrong about humans being the
pinnacle of everything
it's that you being wrong is making the children dumber
which brings me to my next point
creationists you are dumber than a bag full of bags full of hammers

the next
and final point
creationists I clearly have just been using you because I needed an
easy structure for this poem
but regardless if we are supposed to be
created in God's image
why does us fucking look and sound like
two hams slapping together in a hurricane
seriously though creationists
if God loves America so much

-I don't know what you believe
but I assume that's it-

why are our genitals not all rocket ships
fucking think about it
we could all be boning in space
it's the American Way