According to the songwriter:
I’m painfully aware of how many songs there are about how much a woman loves a man. There simply aren’t enough songs about the middle-aged man who babysat you once and thought it was grand for you to stay up watching Videodrome. The guy who used to sit in your kitchen s...
Bootcut Jeans, salmon shirt
I have a skin routine and my elbows hurt
I don't give blood... because I won't give blood
Bought a tarantula from a Swedish guy
He helped me out in Stockholm with a DUI
And I stalk Ian Brown when he comes to town
I stole cocaine off my nephews friend
I did it with the fellas at the A.G.M
And Eleanor from A&R refused me again
So I did that thing at the Holiday Inn
My wife sells cheese on the Internet -
I think about her sister when we're intimate
Her family and friends, they don't like me anymore
Cause I threatened all her brothers with an antique sword
I'm your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
We're taking him to Holland for the long weekend
He never had a stag, he never had a stag
We're taking him to Amsterdam and making him a man
Your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
We're doing ketamine up in the Netherlands
He never had a stag, he never had a stag
I'm taking him to Amsterdam and buying him a bag
I watch gay porn in my garden shed
I lie to everybody that my father's dead
I smell like Joop... my son has croup
Picking up the hooker that I like the best
Crying on her toilet cause my life's a mess
I'm sleeping in the office cause my wife's depressed
I'm heating streaky bacon in a trouser press
I am your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
I'm taking him to Holland for the long weekend
He never had a stag, he never had a stag
I'm taking him to Amsterdam and making him a man
Your dad's best friend, your dad's best friend
We're doing ketamine up in the Netherlands
And maybe when you've children of your own
You'll be praying for a best friend just like me