Creationist Cousins 2.0

Humans are descended from ape-like ancestors
That’s a scientific fact, but some people still question it
Darwin does have detractors, religious detractors
Not scientific detractors, don’t get the shit backwards
And when they question I listen, they say: “If we came from
Monkeys, then how come there’s monkeys still in existence?”
Well how about this: I’m descended from Dutch immigrants
But I still have second cousins who live in the Netherlands
They’re not my ancestors; naw, they’re my relatives
Since we have common genetic elements
Inherited from our great grandparents, things like freckles
And fair complexions and linguistic dexterousness
But if you got back far enough, humans are all relatives
And some of my relatives are religious fundamentalists
Approximately twenty percent of them
And at the dinner table we debate statistics …

Creationist cousins, they’re my relations, I love ‘em
But when they talk about Jesus and Revelations and Judges
I’ve gotta take it up with them
‘Cause there’s a better explanation for the place that we come from, okay?
Creationist cousins, they’re my relations, I love ‘em
But at the dinner table we get on some crazy discussions
I’m always questioning their basic assumptions
And saying, “yes I believe we came from monkeys, okay?”

So I say “Creationism is unscientific
Ninety nine percent of practicing scientists think evolution
Is the best explanation for living systems
There’s overwhelming empirical evidence!”
And they say “Baba, it’s not a scientific consensus
If a significant one percent is still dissenting
And risking black-listing in bold resistance
To this fascist conspiracy to promote secularism
And I say “Great, they can challenge the system
If they can show us they have the evidence with them”
And they “Evidence can be twisted
And your presuppositions are materialistic
Maybe the evidence scientists say they’ve collected
Just proves that God wants our faith to be tested!”
So I say “But that means your benevolent God
Is the architect of a massive intellectual fraud!
So either evolution is the victim of a frame job
Which explains all of its predictive successes
Or we have to take God out of the scientific method
Otherwise he looks a bit deceptive… snap

Creationist cousins they’re my relations I love ‘em
But when they talk about how fossils all came from the flood
I gotta take it up with them, ‘cause there’s a better explanation
For the place that they come from, okay?
Creationist cousins they’re my relations I love ‘em
‘Cause they gave me the patience to engage in discussions
With people who believe in stuff that’s made up
Without calling them crazy or dunces, okay?

And that’s when my sister steps in and says
“Baba, the Western scientific method
Is just as subjective as every other cultural tradition
Except it’s just better at pretending to be objective
All behaviour is socially-constructed
Gender roles have nothing to do with genitals
They’re just a way for men to control women’s goals
And try to turn us all into Playboy centerfolds
Haven’t you heard about that tribe in the Amazon
Where the woman does the man’s jobs and plants the crops
And brings home the food for the man to wash?
Um, I can’t remember exactly what that clan is called
But I know it’s a published fact
Because I read about it in my Women’s Studies class
And it proves that gender is a socially constructed act
So how does your theory explain that?”
And all I can do is come back with more statistics
About human sexual dimorphism
And male versus female reproductive investments
And, let’s just say, the discussions are endless

Creationist cousins they’re my relations I love ‘em
My gender feminist sister and my shamanist brother
And my dad with his reiki practice and my naturopathic mother
But I’m a rational fucker, okay?
Creationist cousins they’re my relations I love ‘em
‘Cause they gave me the patience to engage in discussions
With people who believe in stuff that’s blatantly made up
Without calling them crazy or dunces, okay?

So sometime I come across as a bit of an arsehole
But I’m not impartial – it’s not about who’s is impartial;
It’s about how much evidence you can marshal
And how you deliver the parcel
And when my relatives argue, I have to have faith
That we can reach the genuine article in a rational way
That’s a different kind of faith than my cousins have
In divine creation, but hey, to all of my relatives
And fellow primates, I say
If it makes you feel better, go head and pray
In fact, here’s how I pray in a secular way
I say, “I have creationist relatives and relative apes
And I wish them all happiness, whatever their faith
And I wish myself patience, since I relish debates
Let us all be respectful and still tell it straight”
Okay? Okay?