Content Cop - TOY REVIEW CHANNELS (GIANT SURPRISE EGG)

Video opens with a montage of Ian doing random things at the playground while wearing a police officer costume.

Montage ends with Ian eating a Minion popsicle, and fades to Ian in his room.

On today's episode of Content Cop, we're going to be looking at one of the fastest-growing video trends on YouTube: toy review videos. Let's peep this out.

Montage of other toy review videos begins, showing children from the videos playing with their toys as calm music plays in the background. As one of the children is about to open a large Kinder Surprise Egg, the gentle music suddenly changes to the hook of DMX's "Where The Hood At."

We got all these kids getting all these toys... it's like super-Christmas. It's like every day is super-Christmas. But you know what happens when every day is super-Christmas? You become a spoiled brat.

Video cuts from Ian's room and to the toy store, where Ian, playing the part of a spoiled child, is wearing a Spongebob onesie while in the aisle with his mom.

Can I have this?
Honey, you already have the Darth Vader, don't you?
Yeah, but I-I need Han Solo.
Ian puts the life-sized Clonetrooper toy in the shopping cart
Honey, what did I-what did I tell you?
I want it.
What did I tell you?
I want it.
Put it back.
I want it.
I'm gonna count to three.
1... 2...
Ian puts back the Clonetrooper
I hate you.
As Ian walks down the aisle, the life-sized Darth Vader toy comes into view
See-see honey? There's your Darth Vader.
Ian shoves the Darth Vader onto the ground and points to it saying "This is you."
We're gonna go home now and you're gonna get nothing.
Ian hits the shopping cart several times, then says "Don't put the camera in my face!"

These channels also have a really weird fetish with eggs. I think it started off innocent enough with a little Kinder Surprise Egg. And then it became "Oh, let's open this slightly-bigger Kinder Surprise Egg," "Oh, let's stack a couple of hampers on top of each other filled with a bunch of minion shit and call that a 'surprise egg.'"

Short montage of intros from toy review channels' toy egg videos.

As you can tell, they take some liberties on defining exactly what an egg is. An egg could be a capsule, it could be a sphere, it could be a barrel, even a pear. If it's any of those shapes, it checks out, because they don't really have any edges on them, right? If you give a kid a box, you know what's gonna happen? They're gonna die. That's why it's gotta be an egg shape.

What do you do if you don't have a giant surprise egg? Well, that's an easy one: You put Play Doh on an exercise ball, and that's basically the same shit.

Clip plays from a toy review video featuring an 'egg' that's really just an exercise ball covered in Play Doh.

Well how are you going to get all the shit that's in the exercise ball? Well, you're not, because nothing's in the exercise ball. You put the neat little toys in the eyes of Spongebob, in the beak of the Angry Bird, and then you just dig those out, because that's a fucking good video.

(RED BIRD: Kill me!)

I do feel bad for a lot of the kids because in many cases they just follow the orders of the parents, they have some weird loose script they go with: The mom says "say that you're excited and then pull out the toy." You can tell in this series of clips I'm about to show you that it goes from "I'm so excited" to "I want to fucking kill myself."

Clips from Ryan ToysReview play, showing Ryan saying "I'm so excited" multiple times, each time sounding progressively less excited.

Truth be told, I'm very jealous of these toy channels. I kinda wanna edge into their market. I would like to introduce to you my brand-new video: "Giant Enormous Huge Bad YouTube Content Surprise Egg."

Video cuts from Ian's room to Ian's living room, where Ian is playing the spoiled child wearing a Spongebob onesie and is accompanied by his mom.

We'd like to thank YouTube for sponsoring this video.
This isn't an egg. This is a box. I want an egg, I want Kinder egg.
It's okay honey, we'll get you an egg next time.
I want a Kinder egg.
I'm so excited I wonder what's inside.
Ian attempts to open the box with his hands, but fails. Ian's mom hands him a knife to open the box with and advises him to cut away from himself. Ian ignores her warnings and cuts towards himself. Ian pulls out an emoji bucket hat from the box.
It's a Jinx bucket hat!
Ian pulls out a toy gun from the box.
Oh wow! Sam Pepper kill your best friend prank gun! I'm so excited!
What else you got there, Ian?
Ah! iDubbbz' 18-inch dildo! Can we take it outside?
Not yet, wait until you open the rest of it.
Ian ignores his mom and plays with the dildo.
Wait until you open the rest of it. You'd better stop that. I'm going to count to three... There you go. (after unboxing) What's that?
*gasp* YOUTUBE REVENUE! I'M SO EXCITED!!!! I'm so excited, I wonder what's-I wonder what's inside.
Ian pulls out a toy horse.
What's this?
That's-that's a little horsie!
I already have one of these.
No, you have a different one.
Ian throws the toy horse on top of the box and stomps on it, crushing the box.
I hate you! I HATE YOU!
Well, that's not very nice to say!
Ian grabs the knife used to open the box and holds it to his wrist.
I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it!
No, no, don't do it! I'm gonna count to three. One... two... three.

Video cuts back into Ian's room.

If you run a toy review channel, it's entirely necessary for you to have the most annoying voice on the planet.

Short montage of toy review channel women who Ian thinks have annoying voices.

Oh, its not just the women. You got some guys out there too.

Video clip of a toy review channel man who Ian thinks has an annoying voice.

Now that we've reached the end of this video, I want to deliver a message to all the toy review parents out there. If you plan on turning your kid into a plastic-worshipping revenue machine, you gotta be careful, because it might just bring you to your boiling point.

Video cuts back into the earlier toy store, where Ian is playing the part of a spoiled child wearing a Spongebob onesie and is with his mom.

Ian climbs onto one of the toy store's stepladders.

Come down here honey.
Make me.
Oh my god... honey, get down from there now. Right now!
Ian hisses
Ian! Get the fuck down here! You little shit!
(PARENT: "Do you mind watching your language around the little ones?")
Sorry about that...