Closing the Door

Feels I'm often switching from self-loathing to pride
And I know life's perception - that's controlled with the mind
So why do I let it wander to where I don't wanna find?
'Cause it feels like I'm treading in the cold waters of time
Taking in a breath so I can lay back and float
Keep on riding out the waves until their grasp takes me home
Currently I'm forced to stave attacks off on my own
No one can help me swim and I can't latch on to a boat
Drifting through time as I'm alone with my thoughts
Some are self-destructive, as I've grown up I watched
All these anxious moments become the crux of my plot
You could hear it when I talked, I'd either st-stutter or stop
Now I'm wondering if love is too absurd to expect
Friends are telling me that I'm deserving respect
But yet she fucking left without a word or a text
And it's feels like I stumbled every hurdle this set
When I think of you, I think of all the demons that you tamed in me
And it seems that what could have been isn't what came to be
I keep my heart open, but I wallow in its vacancy
It keeps me in a cycle of resistance and complacency
I...
Never got the chance to say this
But I'm okay with the fact that we never made it
I hope you see yourself the way that I saw you
You're amazing
That you tightly take hold, stand straight and embrace it
At day's end, that's what I truly wanted for you all
Thanks to misinterpretations
Now our meaning and the truth's stalled
Not trying to win you back, I'm really trying to move on
I'm trying to apologize for everything I'd do wrong
This isn't just about you, the truth is, it's actually
'Bout past relationships, and past friends I called family
We never stayed in touch, no excuse is good enough
I never got to say this, but goodbye, and good luck
So now I'm closing the door
And giving myself the closure I was asking you for
Weeding out the self-doubt that's growing in my core
Because I honestly believe that one day I could be more
Life's an ebb and flow, many people come and go in waves
It's a bitter pill to swallow, but it's a lesson that I know today
People shrinking down cause they were told that they should know their place
Resulting in a tension that so many others hold to date
Maybe I'm just writing to pick myself up when I'm feeling low
To express what I've been thinking
It's been something that I mean to show
Gonna fly across the world to find
The meaning that I need at home?
There's a spark inside us all, and I want to see it grow
From self-loathing to pride
I know life's perception - that's controlled with your mind
That's why I let it wander to where I don't want to find
Feels like I'm swimming in the waters of time
So now I'm closing the door
Giving myself the closure I was asking her for
And weeding out the self-doubt that's growing in my core
Because I honestly believe that one day
I will be more