Clams

Sandals: Uhh, what do you like better? The coral bits or the nacho oyster skins?
Squidward: I like neither. Can I take your order?
Sandals: How about the barnacle rings, are they any good?
Squidward: No. What will you have?
Sandals: Well, uhh, what's your vote on the kelp...
Squidward: [finally loses his temper and he throws the paper and pencil in anger] Sir, let's just get this out of the way. I hate everything on the menu! Now, what do you want?!
SpongeBob: [pokes his head out from behind the kitchen window] Psst, try thе coral bits.
Sandals: Uhh, I'll try the coral bits.
Squidward: That'll be one dollar. [rings up onе dollar then a siren goes off]
Sandals: What's going on?
Squidward: Something stupid, I'm sure. [the alarm stops as a curtain opens up to show a real band in the background playing carnival music. Mr. Krabs comes out from the restroom, cheering]
Mr. Krabs: Yippee! [kisses Sandals and Squidward and takes the dollar and laughs hysterically as he rubs it all over himself] Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha!
Squidward: See? I told you.
SpongeBob: What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: [has a goofy expression then he runs over to the counter] Nothing, lad! Do you know what this is?!
Squidward: A very dirty dollar?
Mr. Krabs: No, this is my one millionth dollar earned! Every Krab's goal in life is to make a million dollars, and now I got mine. Congratulations, sir, you have just given me my one millionth dollar!
Sandals: Ha, great. Uhh, what do I win?
Mr. Krabs: Nothing! Now get out!
Sandals: Uhh, what?
Mr. Krabs: Get out! Everybody get out, you're spoiling me moment! [pushes everyone out the door] Me millionth dollar.
SpongeBob: Congratulations, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Congratulate yourselves, lads! A captain's nothing without his loyal crew. I mean, a crew like you [imagines SpongeBob and Squidward looking deformed] comes along maybe once in a lifetime. And to reward you for helping me make me millionth dollar, I'm taking you on a trip. [laughs]
SpongeBob: Wow, a trip!
Squidward: I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs. Where we going, Fancy Springs?
[Scene cuts to the three of them in a pool]
Mr. Krabs: No.
Squidward: Pamper Island?
[Scene cuts to the three of them laying on towels at a beach]
Mr. Krabs: Try again.
Squidward: Ooh, ooh, ooh, Bikini Bottom Folk Village?
[Scene cuts to the three of them in 18th century clothing]
Mr. Krabs: Better than that!
[Scene cuts to them wearing raincoats on a boat accompanied by a foghorn noise]
Squidward: Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? [Clams are jumping] Fishing for stinky clams in a smelly old boat on a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?
Mr. Krabs: Aww, come on now, Squidward. Three fellas at sea with nothing to do but throw their lines in the water, catch a few clams [Catches a clam then he throws it back] and then throw them back. Don't you think that's fun?
Squidward: No. [takes off his raincoat and sits on his chair] And to think I could be wearing a powdered wig right now.
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, you want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?
Squidward: How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you?
SpongeBob: Okay! [casts his line behind him which catches on Squidward's magazine. SpongeBob brings his line forward and casts it in the lagoon. SpongeBob casts Squidward's chair]
Squidward: Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... [SpongeBob hooks Squidward's nose. The camera cuts to an overhead view of the boat as a loud rip is heard and Squidward screams loudly in pain, then walks up to Mr. Krabs with his nose torn off] Okay, I've had enough.
Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Oh, Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit overeager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. The hook in SpongeBob's fishing rod touches Mr. Krabs millionth dollar. Gasps] Me millionth dollar! [SpongeBob rips Mr. Krabs' pants off and casts his dollar to the lagoon] SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya. [Ominous music begins playing] Oh no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music? That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor! Every sailor knows that means death! Reel it in before it's too late! Hurry, SpongeBob, the music's getting faster! [SpongeBob reels it in as fast as he can. Mr. Krabs opens the doors to the orchestra] There ya are, ya stinkin' bilge rats. [to the trumpeters] Stop playing that music! [to the conductor] Stop it, please! [to the violinists] I'm begging ya! Come on, honey, you can make it. Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Here she comes. [Mr. Krabs begs. SpongeBob reels the dollar in.] She made it!
Mr. Krabs: [holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner! [ominous orchestra music plays again. Suddenly, a giant clam jumps up and takes Mr. Krabs' dollar. It takes a while for Mr. Krabs to notice his dollar isn't in his claw anymore. The clam swims away. The scene cuts as Mr. Krabs’ eyes well up with tears, and he begins to cry]
Squidward: So, some trip, eh, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, Squidward, you're never gonna believe it! A giant blue-lipped clam ate me millionth dollar! [sobbing and flops to the ground] I lost me dollar, and I'll never get it back. [whips his eyes against the floor] Never, never, never, never, never!
SpongeBob: I've never seen Mr. Krabs so broken up. [Mr. Krabs is literally in pieces, crying]
Squidward: Oh, puh-lease, he's such a drama queen. C'mon, Mr. Krabs, drop the act. [Mr. Krabs is crying while sucking his feet] Mr. Krabs, it's just a stupid dollar. [Mr. Krabs continues weeping as he pours tears into his mouth] For Pete's sake, Mr. Krabs, suck it up! [Mr. Krabs' eyes inflate then squirt out tears] Mr. Krabs... [Mr. Krabs is wailing like a fountain] Mr. Krabs... [Mr. Krabs is sobbing like a faucet. Squidward has had enough.] Okay, okay, Mr. Krabs, we'll help you get your dollar back!
Mr. Krabs: [sucks on Hans' thumb, then he throws him away upon hearing what Squidward just said] You will? Great! Wait right here. [runs off to get some items and comes back with a bunch of fishing gear on] Here's where clam fishing gets serious. [scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is on top of the boat and SpongeBob and Squidward are on the lower deck] Okay, you boys man the fishing poles and I'll keep me eyes peeled for Old Blue Lip.
SpongeBob: [salutes] Aye aye, captain!
Mr. Krabs: And remember, we don't leave until we catch that clam and rescue me dollar. [Mr. Krabs scouts the area. Scene cuts to later where Mr. Krabs has a beard on from scouting for too long. Squidward and SpongeBob look the same as Mr. Krabs]
Squidward: [rips off his beard] That's it, I'm finished! We've been here for three days and haven't gotten a nibble. This is hopeless!
SpongeBob: Yeah, and I've gotta get home to feed Gary. [Scene cuts to Gary chewing up SpongeBob's couch at home]
Squidward: We're gonna die out here just because a clam ate Mr. Krabs' stupid dollar. [takes a dollar out of his wallet] Well, if he wants his dollar back, I say we give it to him. Know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Huh?
SpongeBob: Oh, I get ya. [jabbers. Scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is still scouting the area]
SpongeBob and Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs steers his eyes toward the other two to see them waving a dollar] Look what we've got!
Mr. Krabs: [jumps down and gasps] Could it be? [takes the dollar] Me millionth dollar? [Starts cheering again as well as SpongeBob and Squidward] Whoo-hoo! [rubs the dollar on himself but he notices something strange so he stops dancing] Wait a minute... [rubs the dollar back and forth again and points at the dollar] This isn't me millionth dollar. [SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other] This is an ordinary dollar that's been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon, [shows his dollar bill just like described] and kissed with Coral Blue #2 Semi-Gloss Lipstick.
SpongeBob: [wearing blue lipstick] Actually, it's Coral Blue number th- [Squidward whacks him on the head with a fishing rod to shut him up, but it's already too late] -ree!
Mr. Krabs: I trusted you, and you gave me this?! I can't believe me own crew would betray me like this. [sobs]
Squidward: No. Uh-uh. No, we will not be swayed by tears anymore.
Mr. Krabs: [stops sobbing, then narrows his eyes] I see. Then I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.
Squidward: You're kidding?
SpongeBob: Woo! Is it another fishing trip?
Mr. Krabs: No, it's this sandwich. [nails the sandwich to a flagpole]
Squidward: A sandwich? You expect me to break my back over a sandwich?
Mr. Krabs: Not a sandwich. [throws the other sandwiches into the water] The sandwich.
Squidward: Whatever. We've got plenty more to... [He and SpongeBob get shocked. Mr. Krabs throws the refrigerator into the water] ...eat.
Mr. Krabs: Now, I think we understand each other. Nobody eats until I get my millionth dollar back.
Squidward: Uhh, SpongeBob, can I have a word with you? [quietly] Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone...[yelling] completely insane?!
SpongeBob: What do you mean?
Squidward: Just look at him. [points to Mr. Krabs, who is dressed like he is at a funeral sobbing at a tombstone with the words "R.I.P. Me Millionth Dollar" on it. He then hugs it.]
SpongeBob: Squidward, he's lost something near and dear to him. Haven't you- [Mr. Krabs is heard laughing oddly]
Squidward: Look again. [Mr. Krabs uses his eyes as a jump rope while giggling like a crazy person]
SpongeBob: [now visibly scared] You're right. How do we get out of here?
Squidward: If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.
SpongeBob: Okay. [he and Squidward take a step, then start screaming as they sprint over to the lifeboat. They jump into it but then come back onto the boat tied up; Mr. Krabs pops his head out of the lifeboat]
Mr. Krabs: [angrily] So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [sobs] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: [Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line] live bait.
Squidward: You're crazy! If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?
Mr. Krabs: [dressed up as a conductor] Oh, he'll come. [taps the book using his baton and the doors open up to the orchestra and begins to play the ominous music; SpongeBob and Squidward shake and scream in terror]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say... [yells] you are completely out of your mind! [Mr. Krabs giggles madly while conducting the orchestra. The giant clam emerges above the lagoon coming closer to the two on the line] [Squidward screams] Get us outta here!
Mr. Krabs: Come on, fresh meat! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [a giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me millionth dollar! [the cabin doors open to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and dives into the lagoon. The cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow]
SpongeBob: Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. [A tear falls down his cheek] Why couldn't it have been me?!
Squidward: Yes, why couldn't it have been you?! [sobbing]
SpongeBob: Why did he have to go like this, why?! [crying]
Squidward: Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?! [both sob loudly]
Mr. Krabs: Hello, boys! [SpongeBob and Squidward stop sobbing]
SpongeBob and Squidward: Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs' head is above the lagoon]
Mr. Krabs: Have you boys met... [holds his millionth dollar up] ...me millionth dollar? [laughs]
SpongeBob: Wow, how did you get it back?
Mr. Krabs: It wasn't easy. Old Blue Lips is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.
SpongeBob: What did you give him? [Mr. Krabs jumps back up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and left arm]
Mr. Krabs: Nothing important. [laughs. SpongeBob and Squidward look shocked.]