Christmas Mass (Live)

[Spoken]
Anyway I went to midnight mass, and I hadn't been in a long time
So we were at the back of the church and we went up for communion
And I, I wanted to really, you know, do it right
Because I hadn’t been for a long time
I, I wouldn't go into churches for a long time because
I would get so emotional and I never knew why
I would just feel this huge pain in my heart
And I didn't know what was happening
And so I wouldn’t go in there any more
And, uh, but I went this one night
So I thought, I'll go up to the front
And I'll connect with the, the minister, or whatever
And so, I went up
I was the first out of four people
And I wеnt up and watching everyone еlse do it
And I go up and look at him
And he leans forward to me and he says, "Christ's blood did shit for us"
I said, "Pardon?"
And he leaned forward again, looking very confused
And he said, "Christ's blood did shit for us."
And I thought, "Oh my God"
My face went bright red
I thought, "A madman has infiltrated the church
And on a one-to-one basis he is spreading the devil's word"
So my heart was pounding and I walked to the back of the church
And I'm sitting in my pew
And, and I watched everyone else take communion
And they looked very normal when they came back
And they sat down beside me and I said, "What did he say to you?"
And my friend, who hadn't been to church in a long time—
It was his church—
Said, "Oh, guilt trip. He said ’Nice to have you with us.’"
And I said "Really?"
I said, "What did he say to you?"
That was my friend's mother
And she said, "Oh, well, you know, this is a late service
He said, ’I'm working the night shift.'"
And I said finally—this is a true story—
And the last person I said, "What did he say to you?"
And she said, "What he always says"
Do you know what that was?
Christ's blood is shed for us
Was shed for us
Christ’s blood was shed for us
That is a true story
There's no punch line
It's a true story
But, you know, I almost, you know
Felt I could agree with him in a certain way
In my more bitter moments
I don't think anyone ever had said "Pardon?" before to the minister
Anyway, I'd like to introduce Phillip Brown
Who has joined us for just this last, um, Christmas show
He's going to sing a song for you