Christmas Cigar

When I was ten and the holidays approached
Only one thing would bring me good cheer
Dreamt about it in class, it's a miracle I passed
I was thinking 'bout it all year
Told all my friends, all I got was reproach
They were asking for shiny toy cars
Went to the mall and sat on Santa's lap and said
"I'm ten, and I want a cigar"

Santa said, "Kid, what the hell do you need a cigar for?"
And I said, "For smoking"
"What else would you do with a cigar you dummy dumb ass?"
And so he kicked me out the mall

Waited outside to talk it over with the man
He didn't understand I would look cool
Just a school kid, ten years old, smoking a cigar
Oh, yeah, that would freaking rule

And then he walked out
Beneath the soft glow of Christmas lights
I saw him light up a cigarette
Childhood haze lifted from me
I'd realized the error of my ways
When I figured out
He was hoarding all that good shit for himself

Now I'm forty-five years old
And I've tracked down the guy that played Santa
He's seventy-eight years old
My therapist said I should try and let go of the past
But tonight I'm gonna kick Santa's ass
"You cost me my cigar when I was ten years old," I cried
When I busted down his door
He said, "Son, you've got it all wrong"
Didn't realize he was distracting me
But he was distracting me from his right hand
That was going towards the cupboard

To all those ten-year-olds with a Santa vendetta
And a hankering for cigars
Do not follow my ways 'cause he shot me