Chedda Cheese vs. Carter Deems

[Round 1: Chedda Cheese]
I know you all wanted Carter versus Head I.C.E
Trust me, I see the appeal
Street guy against a guy from a completely different field
You wanted gangster versus nerd, well tell me how you feel
You got gangster versus gangster it's about to get real
When I took this battle, they told me to keep it light
Just jokes, don't kill the hype
Then I guess I'm the villain right, brought a knife to a pillow fight
You wanted I.C.E. that's nice
I'm I.C.E. of all different types
Ice Cube, Ice-T...okay mostly Vanilla Ice
Get away Carter Deems you are a strangle little fellow
You probably pronounce milk like "malk" and pillow like "pellow"
But he's not the type of person that at first you would assume
I'm more afraid of Carter Deems than any person in this room
Cause he's just way too nice
Like creepy, freak type of nice
Like smiling while he murders you in your sleep type of nice
Well nah, he's not a mad man, he's a cat man
He'll end up with the Catwoman like Batman
His screensaver is a cat doing jazz hands
And he gets way to hyped up over cat scans
He likes munching on his chap stick
Cuddling with fat chicks
Huffing on some catnip and suckling on cat nips
But after all that mean stuff I just said I think you do deserve a hug
{​​​​​​​​​​Goes in for a hug}​​​​​​​​​​
Not from me Carter Deems I meant from somebody you love!
You look and you smell like you've been rolling in the mud
And to be honest, I wouldn't touch you with a pair of rubber gloves
I'm sorry

[Round 1: Carter Deems]
You don't think Carter a straight G?
Well I'll fart on your lady
Eat her poutine then barf up her gravy 'til her carpet and drapery...
{​​​​​​​​​​pauses}​​​​​​​​​​
That was a fake choke...No I'm just kidding that was a real choke
You don't think Carter a straight G?
Well I'll fart on your lady
Eat her poutine then barf up the gravy on your carpet and drapery
See that's how the old Carter would say schemes
But my life has been harder here lately
So I can't promise that my bars will be crazy
But I had five seizures last year
So it's okay if I start a little shaky
His rhythm is weak plus you look a little beat
You got the heart of a baby
I'm sick dog, pardon the rabies
Yesterday I ate part of a pastry
From an artisan bakery, it was large and amazing
It wasn't hard it was flaky and every part of it's tasty
You can catch me parking an H3
Cause I work as a valet parking cars cause they pay me
Even when it's dark and it's rainy
You can catch me in-between those white lines like I'm sniffing hard in the 80's
Atlanta pro so I'm armed with the Bravery
He'll lie buried/library I should charge you a late fee
Yeah my squad's small 'til we ball out, well I started on JV
This match up more brutal than football between Army and Navy
My cannon's so big it's like I'm arming the Navy
A mad dude with a credit card, I charge when I'm angry
Talk like a gentleman but test the kid again, you'll hear sir cuss/circus like Barnum & Bailey
Overdose on potent schemes flowing through my brain like dopamine
I'm dope I mean, catch me in a V12 rolling clean
Don't believe me? You can search engine like you opened Bing
Make that Cobra sing like yodeling
Hit you with a Force that'll make Yoda lean
Hand me a Razor and I'll flip out...like when my Motorola ring
Catch me rolling on a roller rink
As a kid I gained some weight, too many cookies too much Ovaltine
In high school I was a bit rounder...I was an oval teen
Catch me at a Hot Topic opening on the local scene
Girls crushing my hopes and dreams
Now battle rap is like prom all over again...cause nobody wanna go with Deems
Still, people are mad that I had this offer
Well I'll even battle the battle bloggers
And prove I run these streets like an avid jogger
Then use my hands like I'm bad at soccer
Grab the choppers, start blasting monsters
Like Rick Grimes when he attacks a walker
This dude will hit a grandpa in the face then attack his walker
You're not as nerdy as me, you're not half as awkward
I wear weirdness on my sleeves like a badge of honor
Still I'll leave a bump on his face so big you should see your acne doctor
Cause when I hit you in the face with these cat massagers
I'll leave this slacker folded up like a pair of my khaki Dockers

[Round 2: Chedda Cheese]
You look like, you would smell like, Doritos and mildew
At first I thought you may have had a disability...and I still do
Sit back and watch me work Carter , I'm 'bout to work Carter
Work harder cause I'm everything you never were Carter
And if you take it to the ping pong court, you're wrecked at the rec center
Press records, I'm a one man band like Trent Reznor
Better your best effort, yes with less effort, less pressure
Head severed for trying to check Chedda
The best seller, best ever
It doesn't get better, my pen's better
A trendsetter against a bed wetter, I mean....
Look, when I call you a bed wetter that's a factual statement
I've seen the pee stained mattress you have in the basement
You wear a pair of Pull Ups when you pull up at your grandma's house
Sheets covered in plastic like your grandma's couch
Man you getting bodied by nothing but pee jokes
You probably eat pea soup while wearing a pea coat
Got URL fans saying "Where the gun bars at?"
Me and Carter got it covered bringing gun bars back
The streets talk, gotta keep watch
Eaves drop from the tree tops
Three shots, bring your Reeboks cause I keep Glocks in my knee socks
Cheap talk in the T Dot gets you outlined in police chalk
Bbb bbb chickaa bbb bbbb
Like a white guy trying to beat box
Catch you on a Friday see me sitting sideways
Till I pullout out of nowhere like a hidden driveway
Bow

[Round 2: Carter Deems]
When I start bucking that
I put him in a box with no bubble wrap
After I show you these long Tec's/texts like Rev Run in a bubble bath
Okay, that's not true at all but here are some other facts
You paid for this battle and you can't rebuttal back
Cause I know exactly how much it cost you...and I paid double that!
I didn't even want to do this
But I was bored this weekend, thought I might as well
I don't care about this battle at all
I just wanted to spend $500 on a flight and hotel
You watch The Bachelor, but last week he was busy
Didn't have any time and missed it
You thought I'd be a nice guy, forget it
Cause I'm about to give you so many spoilers you'd think I'd drive a Civic
Like for instance:
Ben took Jen on a date but still saw Liz on his nightly visit
Bought a bottle of wine and sipped it
Which later caused Liz to get into a fight with Bridget
Just to be quite specific
And you can stand there and act like you don't care, but that just ruined your night admit it
I'm terrific
I can bring hard bars and prove that I can spit it
But my style has shifted and I really get too silly I admit it
But even this guy can get it
Cause when I spit that silly heat he'll see that the sky's the limit
Cause that's when I'm in my bag...like I'm sneaking on a plane without buying a ticket
Temple tap, I invented that
I got a tortoise ring on my pinkie toe, believe me bro
I stay fresh to death 'til I'm six feet below
I fought the Double Dragons, went 3-0
That's on a need to know
Yeah, you can rap but do you need to? No
Every time you see me go I spazz out
You can't shake Deemsy's flow
Even though I started having little seizures/Little Caesars and I'm not talking pizza dough
Strobe light...that's what I don't like
It makes my spine ache, my eyes start to dilate
A migraine, mind race to the middle of my mind state
I get wobbly like I'm walking on ice skates
Everything starts to go sideways
Ahh, I think I might be having one right now, I can feel my thighs shake
Oh never mind I just had my phone on vibrate
I'm great
I'll sneak in without tripping the wire
While this dude gets caught like lint in the drier
I'm someone you should really admire
So don't get it twisted like you gripping the pliers
I know we don't carry the heat but I've raised--
I know we don't carry the tool but I raise that heat when I'm spitting the fire
So this dude will see defeat/Duff eat like he's having dinner with Lizzie McGuire
I don't care about this match up so I raise the heat like I'm holding a match up
This doesn't stack up, so confident I'll put a stack up
So we know you try to act tough, say you hit as hard as a Mack truck
Well I know you don't have a fast punch
So I won't fall for your hands, that's a bad bluff
I hit him with a fart so hard he'll back up
You need to call back up
I hit him with a fart so hard it'll make him back up
You should call for back up
Help--last week I helped my cousin move his couch
That's how I messed my back up
So I can barely hold my back up
I hit him with a mean mug that's a bad cup
And I admit it Bishop, I'm the one who keeps putting your mirror back up

[Round 3: Chedda Cheese]
That was really weird
This is my impression of you
"When arms get raised, that's where my B.O. sits
I've got five friends with B.O. who all think that B.O.'s sick
We nicknamed ourselves the 'B.O. Six' and came to B.O. 6ix
How many of us came to T.O. with B.O.? Six."
Man I feel like I'm watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure in bad 3D
If he was raised by Stewart from Mad TV
Mixed with a bit of Brick and a little bit Mr. Bean
You're not original at all because phony to hit the scene
Cause you stole your whole persona and style from Krispy Kreme
(Some people know who that is, but you know...)
And you literally had an epileptic fit you were so afraid of I.C.E
Had you shaking on the sidewalk like a game of dice
You wanted epilepsy jokes, Another One like DJ Khaled
He's an epileptic vegan, favorite food is Caesar/seizure salad
So quit with the talking, you look like Christopher Robin
Stuck in mid transformation into Christopher Walken
And Chris Robin can get walking
Just stop it and quit blogging
In his town he's a big problem
Big date? He'll be pill popping
Slick talking and lip locking, just nod when the chick's watching
The Bill Cosby of Milwaukee, the Rick Ross of Wisconsin
See they hype you up now cause they're following a trend
But look at Vince with the Raptors and what they thought about it then
You see they put you on a map but you'll fall of in the end
And we can all watch Carter let Toronto down again!

[Round 3: Carter Deems]
I'm finished with a gimmick
Sorry if you want me to rap about cats
Matter of fact, cats are cool but that was a fad that I put on as a mask
Before each battle and match
I mean, I give my pets a pat on the back
My cat was just a substitute I used cause I'm not blasting the gat
It was a passive attack
Cause I don't shoot tec's or use meth or do sex
So I don't rap about that
But don't worry cause I'm battling back
So you can get him a soda and pass me a snack
Cause I already ate through Cheese just to prove that I mastered the craft/Kraft
I'm not grabbing the mac's
On the weekend I'm watching Breaking Bad and relax
Until I'm having a nap, these are actual facts
And on the weekdays I'm in my office reading an actual fax
Still, nobody's flowing with me
I'll break into the championship bout, take 'em both out 'til I'm holding the keys
Beat those phony MC's and let 'Ganik put the chain over my tee like rosary beads
I'll beat Grandma's Favorite Grandson with ease
Then eat a plate of macaroni and cheese
So by the end of the night I've beaten Illmac', uh Roney and Cheese
But in real life this guy is scary
He'll make that big thing sing like Mariah Carey
Then he'll put me in a House Of Payne like Tyler Perry
After this my life is buried and not even playing fire prepared me
Cause when he starts cooking he'll put those flames on my shirt like Guy Fieri
When he steps out the gats are ready
He'll light me up even though the mac is heavy
So gangster I'll prolly pop my collar cause I'm acting preppy
All about the cash and fetti, fast and furious 'til I crash the Chevy
He'll grab the blam and go H.A.M. while I'm at the deli just cause I asked for veggies
When this dude's gripping the biscuit, he's not asking you to pass the jelly
Cause every time he eats he takes it to the Max like Zack and Kelly
Born to be a sharpshooter, it's in his DNA to blast machetes
And a gun fight is Thug Life, he'll rat-a-tat my belly like Makaveli
But I'm not on a crusade against those who rap about guns
It's just there's a million other things to rap about that I've actually done
I rap about microwaves cause when I use the stove I burned the back of my thumb
I spit about mini-vans cause that's what my parents been driving since back in '91
We had a dent on the bumper, had an accident son
Stain on the seat, I had an accident son
And this is real life so I don't care if you're asking "Who won?"
After it's done cause my life is an average one
I just like to get people laughing with puns
I don't do this to make fun of battling I do this cause battling is fun
So with that being said...
I pull up to a Hobby Lobby in a drop top Maserati
Same color as a pot of coffee
If that pot of coffee was the same color as hot wasabi
I'll take my shirt off
I'll flash for the cash like the paparazzi
Live life like a kamikaze
Carter's so savage, you better keep a chain on this animal like a Tamagotchi
That's time you got me?