Chairman of the Board

[Hook: Chairman of the Board]
Roll up and put down your controller
Forget the C.O.D
The table top is what the call's of
So grab some paper and start taking down the scores
But don't forget you're up against the chairman of the board

[Chairman of the Board, spoken]
Right, then! Games night, everyone! What's up first? I know what my money's on

[Verse 1: Monopoly Master]
If you're into causing a family schism
Consider some table-top capitalism
A battle of balances, man, I'm so talented
Mopping up profits with Randian callousness

Isn't much use for financial analysis
Banks are all froze in the throes of paralysis
Golly, it's very nice crushing the parasites
Man, I'm in paradise, give me a pair of dice

I hold 'em, I blow 'em, I roll them
I'm strolling my token right over the Go
And I'm folding the dough
Then I'm throwing down homes
On my portfolio
My monopoly grows

You won't topple me, no
I'm a polished demolisher
Dropping hotels right on top of my foes
If you're stopping your boat on my property, know
That it's probably honestly gonna be
More than the cost of the whole of the global economy
So you should just stop and offer me
All of your keys and your dog

Well, you could call it a robbery
You can't afford an apology
All your accountants would flounder and wobble
The top of my profits would boggle a monarchy
Stopping me? Ha! Take me to court
All that I'm making, I'm taking abroad
It's tucked under the board (Whoops!)

So send me to jail and then
Pay off my bail with your rent
Have you thought about having your assets absorbed?
Extorting the poor whilst cutting the cord at community beauty awards
(Thank you! Thank you!)

You pitifully bid in futility
I've got the roads and the rails and utilities
So bring the waterworks
Your tears will oil the gears of my infamy
Kid in the living room sat on the floor
Imagining I'm on the cover of Forbes
I'm turning this city upside down
Which really amounts to you flipping the board

[Monopoly Master, spoken]
Now I know nobody likes a loot box economy. But I think we can all agree on a community chest. Hm?

[Hook: Chairman of the Board]
Roll up and put down your controller
Forget the Steam sale, I'mma steam roll ya'
Those twelve-year-olds on Xbox Gold may bolster up your scores
But now, my friend, you're up against a chairman of the board

[Scrabble Sage, spoken]
Think you can beat me? Winning is my middle name! Which does not make it a proper noun

[Verse 2: Scrabble Sage]
Have you heard the word upon the street?
That nerds prefer our words discreetly
Neatly placed upon a sheet when we compete
Words With Friends is for the weak
A cheap pretender to the peak
Of wordy splendour
Classic Scrabble can unleash
Except, you see

It never leaves me satisfied
When standard boards are utilised
I play my scrabble super-sized
It makes the points quadruple-ise

There's ancient mosaics not half as prosaic
As when I am placing my tiles in amazing displays
Every play a foray in intrinsic ballistic linguistic forte
I'm a dictionary kicking my score into space
Or at least to the corners; a double word score is for paupers
I'm playing for triple or more, stacking multiple multiples up on the board

In a single retort to your pitiful awful attempts, it's a bore
No, the pen and the sword couldn't ever compare to the weapons I've brought to the fore
Seven letters is all I need to do more for literature
Than Dickens or Shakespeare could ever have brought
My lexicon's better than anything ever attempted before
With clever and eloquent spelling galore

Whatever the letters you're giving me
Fiddly glyphs? I administer liberally
I play a Q or a Z like a symphony
Giving you quixotry, quartzy or syzygy

[Opponents]
Wizardry!

[Scrabble Sage]
Slinging these nouns and verbs
Sticks and stones might be preferred
So to sum up the rhymes you've heard?
Face it, you couldn't find the words

[Scrabble Sage, spoken]
Aha! Victory is mine! Which uses all seven tiles and gets me a fifty point bonus! Hehe!

[Hook: Chairman of the Board]
Roll up and put down your controller
And if you must bring Mountain Dew, be sure to use a coaster
Your gamer tag may jangle with achievements and awards
But now, my friend, you're up against the chairman of the board

[Clue Guru, spoken]
I thank you all for coming this evening... I hear the traffic was murder

[Verse 3: Clue Guru]
I suppose you're wondering why I've gathered you all here tonight
A murder has occurred and I'll be first to shed some light (Oh my!)
Now Mister Black is on the ground
A victim of a crime most foul
I put to you that here and now
Within this crumbling country house
Amongst this strange and sundry crowd
A murderer is on the prowl
Leave it to me to tell you how
The heinous deed was carried out
This melting pot has overboiled
Watch out, you'll get your loafers soiled (Oh...)
I've a dastard foe to foil
And I'm not 'alf a Conan-Doyle (Aha!)

I'll tackle the clues through this gaggle of rooms
There's no slacking to do when I'm tracking the truth (Yes)
I'm an accurate sleuth with immaculate proof
I investigate better than Agatha could
(Hmm...) Did the blaggard attack with a candle or noose?
Or was it the spanner he actually used? (Ahh)
This manor is packed with all manner of tools
(Although Hasbro have had the hatchet removed)
For enacting a plan of dispatching a fool
The plan that was hatched was both heartless and cruel
In the garden, the pantry, the parlour, the pool
(The rooms will depend on the board that you use)

Hold it, I've solved it
I know for certain that the culprit
Used the colonel's old revolver
Stolen from the drawer that holds it
In the kitchen, fingers itching
On the trigger, chamber loaded
And I say I want it noted
Reverend Green's the one who pulled it!

[Opponent 1, spoken]
But I've got the gun

[Opponent 2, spoken]
And I've got that scene

[Clue Guru]
Which instantly vindicates poor Mister Green
With all that is left on the board it would seem
To infer that the murderer must have been me!

[Clue Guru, spoken]
Oh dear. It appears I've made a grave mistake... Hehe!

[Hook: Chairman of the Board]
Roll up and put down your controller
Forget Hyrule, I'm a high roller
You may be a master with a blaster or a sword
But now, my friend, you're up against the chairman of the board

[Outro, spoken]
[Monopoly Master]
I tell you. If I had a pound for every game of Monopoly I've won I could buy... well, another game of Monopoly, probably

[Scrabble Sage]
I see you're drawing a blank. Which you can use in place of any other letter!

[Clue Guru]
We should really stop now. I think we've done this joke to death