Carter Deems vs Joe Cutter

[Round 1: Joe Cutter]
You look like a minimum wage Nicolas Cage with a dick in his face
Y'all wouldn't be off base if you looked at his face and thought "rape"
It's just that "Nooo" sounds so much like "yes" when you're duct taped
I'm ill as shit
Carter is ill equipped with rapist traits
You have the demeanor of Norman Bates 'cept when he's not killin' shit
Just an awkward introverted bitch
You can fold him with one Volcan pinch
If you go to scratch your eyebrow this motherfucker would flinch
You have that "I'm allergic to everything" swag
My man, soy product is for homos, hipsters and fags
On the weekend you get lost at Whole Foods playin' hide and seek with your dads
You have a swell fuckin' life
Are your parents still together ya fuckin' homo?
Good, well I'll bust in and make 'em fuck at knife point like One Hour Photo
Fuckin' Carter would be a bother if he if he delivered them schemes harder
Well sure I admit you revolutionized the awkward lip wristed battle fodder
But matchin' up with my best feats is something I don't Deem, Carter
Grow up and your sis', she a ginger bitch that's Orange Clockwork
Spray her vagina on a ceiling that's Sistine Chapel artwork
I came here to c-c-c-command c-c-c-criticize and c-c-c-condemn this bitch
He's awkward on purpose, 'cept it's an act on some pretension shit
Attempted to withdraw cash from Carter cause he had an ATM in him
Don't get stenious
That's Young ZM doing mad crunches
You can tell his pain is deep seated like one of his dad's fucked him
You are awkward like Illusion Z rollin' up to the straight gas event with bagged lunches
Shiv to your shit kidney if you attempt to spar wit' me
Low key, I feel like Carter just might Harvard law degree
But real rap I'd pimp you out if you walked the prison yard wit' me
And sell your pus' to the highest bidder when I barter Deems
You're like Napoleon Dynamite for fuck boys
Move back like trust fallers, burn alters if you throw Jinx in my circle of trust Focker
There's got to be more than three rounds of dude's banter
Hot coffee to the face, I'm Mugatu in Zoolander
Your ending will be greener than the bad side of Bruce Banner
While I emasculate this dude like dude's with boob cancer
I will tend to your shitty bars with a rusty screwdriver
Compare our styles side by side, please tell me which one is liver
You roll dolo all the time, no click like a broken view finder
I'll stop lookin' like Frank Zappa when you stop lookin' like the drummer from Foo Fighters
I'm Ice-T in his prime, killin' porks the issue
A fuckin' Jedi with kitchen utensils, may the fork be with you
I'm afraid of the feces Carter, we ain't the same type of cat people
I use your kittens for stew
Which reminds me, motherfucker get in the suit!
Get in the suit! Or have a fight
Do this now! Or have it as a token of my love

[Round 1: Carter Deems]
I'm pretty sure your neck tattoo is tryin' to escape
Your teeth keep jumpin' ship but that's what you get when you look like a pirate in the face
I own two microwaves so you already know my life is really great
In my refrigerator I have a grape...that's the same size as a grape
Y'all will get that tomorrow
I trained sixteen ducks to walk into your house and take a poopie
They like cute ducks then I'll drop that raw like plate of sushi
When I get stressed at work I just have to twerk so I go to club and shake my booty
When Joe's in the club his favorite move to do is called Raise The Roofie
No longer a clown I'm a beast now
Friends and family hate the new me
100% werewolf, you're gonna need much better aim to shoot me
Plus you need to take an Uzi, fill it up with silver ammunition then try to light me up like a gangster movie
And I still handle those magic bullets like someone asked me to make a smoothie
I'm sillier than a silly straw
But don't get it twisted dawg
Still a bad boy catch me on Rollerblades hangin' out with Kevin behind the mini mall
I'm just chillin' dawg
You have the same body odor as a chili dog
And that's not a diss at all
If you put your arm pits on a plate I'd probably eat 'em, dish and all
I'm just dishin' y'all
You plus me equals friends that's additional y'all
But I'll still son him and turn my back like, "I don't wanna get the kids involved."
This kid's evolved, I'm not really even a kid at all
I'm a man!
I own three fax machines and listen to Tim McGraw
I'm doin' big things, but sometimes I do stuff that's really small
I love Legos, castles, spaceships, speed boats, I can build it all
Never on the block I owe the blocks, one step I make the buildings fall
You use gun lines to fit but arms don't exist, this dude's not built at all
You surprised yet? Check the biceps, Carter Deems was built to brawl
Okay that's not true at all
I'll be for real y'all
I'm sorry for usin' third person, I feel appalled
(It will never ever happen again)
You surprised Joe? Check the thighs bro, I can out kick Segal
(Okay I'm sorry for that. Next lines gonna be braggadocio. I'ma brag about something I'd never do in real life. But okay, this is the last time I'm gonna brag. I promise)
I got so many callous's on my feet, Carter Deems doesn't have to wear kicks at all
Joe's nose has to buy his clothes from the Big & Tall
I'm not scared to risk it all
Battlin' Joe's not a risk at all
Besides battle rap is so silly so who cares if I slip and fall
But you use racial slurs every rap battle and that doesn't make you big at all
So much of a racist jerk your rap name should be Bigot Smalls
You can't spell "Cutter" without the word "Cute"
But you're cuter than cute
Luckily the word "cuter" is also proves that Joe Cutter is cuter than you
And you and definitely you
I'm just sayin' you're the cutest dude
And know the word "cuter" is not in "Cutter" but Joe Cutter's cuteness can move higher than anything any other dude's cuteness can do
It's true, if we could bottle your cuteness and sell it to students for various uses
Joe Cutter would soon become the coolest in school
And I know people think you're a weird nuisance who makes really bad music
But Joe Cutter is coolest when he's bein' rude
And that's the only reason I agreed to battle this dude
Yeah, cause you're cute
Your eyes are cute but your beard says you wanna eat a squirel
He's tryin' to play it cool but you're just a big rat like Beakman's World
This battle 'bout to be worse than when Raven Symone left the Cheetah Girls
Wanna fight? You beat me tonight...then we know you cheatin' girl

[Round 2: Joe Cutter]
We're both really fond of cats, it's a fact, it's true
But he takes it a step further showin' up to Costco biting my steez in a cat man suit
Creepin' families out introducin' yourself as Cat Mandu
Hmmm, against the second most recognized beard in San Jose, you gon' get fucked up!
The only time we seen Carter grip a pistol is fuckin' Duck Hunt
You look like a hybrid of Dana Carvey and David Spade fuckin' stunt doub'
I will end the life of your buddy D. Meitz just to put Carter in all white toss in a [?]
So what you beat my teammate Dirt and buddy Soul Khan when they didn't give a fuck bud
You get screwed minus strings attached no fuck buds
You were taught with them 2 on 2's me and Fredo would fuck those British cunts up
When ATM ain't here to carry you that's a disconnect trust fund
But ATM is the homie, yeah I've counselled him, he's really a choice dude
But if I scared the shit out of Shaq you'd heard him jump through the roof like "Zoinks Scoob!"
You look as sick these days, are you dealin' with somethin' terminal?
Carter better stay on top his toes that's midgets pissin' in urinals
Hold on bro, that's cheat you can't do that shit
But Lex D's dick just whispered a line into that chin
What's poppin' with Carter's sis'?
Does she have really silly tits
Will she suck the flesh off my bones like a crocadilly hick
Flatline, you a dead man when there's no beep like a Morse code bitch
I've solidified myself in this battle shit as an alternative force ho
By the way does Anthony Michael Hall from The Breakfast Club know that you raided his wardrobe?
Face makes it look like your mind wanders in a Fuck-o-sphere
Sure I'm strange but he's "might touch a kid's butt hole" weird
I send Carter that slow flame, stand next to propane
This dickhead wouldn't keep shit tucked if he was No Shame
I will Zack Morris freeze the battle then drop you off at IHOP
These hands ain't small but they control time like Melathion
Sigorney Weaver I'm touchin' down with my apes and shit
Fade your face, a race at arms length then switch my fist turns to blurs
Carter block gon' shape a shift
Main vein eclipse, you'd suck up like a vapor rip
Pain stake a wrist, that's crucifixion to an atheist
Then main friend Carter's sis' and call captain where her legs get split
You afraid of the feces Carter, you ain't gon' touch my shit
Y'all know my slogan, okay you don't but it's fuck you and suck my dick!

[Round 2: Carter Deems]
Walk into his house, no chairs, no couch it's so bizarre
When he goes to Goodwill it's not for shoppin' he just wants to be where the sofas are
But they asked him to leave cause Joe doesn't know how to hold a fart
I've only spit it four lines been on point four times like a throwing star
Buzz free like an open bar, I hate it when I'm over par
My arms are really cute but sometimes it's hard for me to open jars
I'm 'bout to rock out
Kidney stone removal with no guitar
If you get hungry during the battle just let me know Joe my mom packed an extra granola bar
You know I'm hard
I pull up in a Honda Odyssey the same color as [?]
Right next to a Mazda Miata full of a lot of hotties so they probably mockin' me
But I'm wearin' a green denim jumpsuit my steering wheel all mahogandy
So you know Carter Deems ballin' out like Dominic
Til they day they find they finally lay the sod on top of me
You can find me in North [?] pushin' a Ford Focus it ain't nothin' bro
I got a pet iguana named James he's a Juggalo, I still love him though
If you give me a chainsaw I'll juggle those
Broccoli makes my muscles grow
And it makes me poop in my jeans but that's the American Dream like Dusty Rhodes
Friday night catch me on a denim couch, where did my snuggie go?
Romantic comedies, Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, Mark Ruffalo
In this rhyme bout it's lights out, like the other night when I stubbed my toe
On another note I can stop rappin' and still kill it like 3 Stacks on The Love Below
I'm an adult and I still think Puffy's yucky bro
If he peed into a glass it's the only time I'd drink a cup of Joe
Shut up! Shut up! I said it wrong
Shut up, shut up, shut up I said it wrong
I meant to say, If he peed into a mug that's the only time I'd drink a cup of Joe
I know this is a rap battle I'm supposed to be mean but I just wanna hug him though
Let's start hugging bro
Reverse Live reversed your life, you can't compare to evil
Lime green vest my style's so fresh it's barely legal
This dude's rarely lethal
Catch me in the streets stackin' paper like a paralegal
My third favorite color in the world...periwinkle
I'll show up to your front door with a pair of Eagles
I'm talkin' actual birds
And you put one on your arm two cause I absolutely love to share with people
His name is Jerry, the eagle
His heart is noble and every one of his thoughts is fair and equal
But be fairly careful cause he was in a terrible accident and his left wing is very feeble
Carter's skill? Arctic chill
It's like I grew up by polar bears
I'm grizzly and cuddly at the same time like a bi-polar bear
I got so much money in my pocket I could probably buy a polar bear
Then sell him back to the zoo and be like..."Bye polar bear."
You shoulder's so swole you could store three or four sofas there
You can catch me chillin' in the living room, hit me in the face with a folding chair
I won't even care I'll just keep on hangin' out like Hulk Hogan hair
You know it's rare
I know he shook I know the look
Claimin' to bring the heat but I think he's overcooked
Do you ever open books?
My life is like an open book
This kid is beat he'll see defeat (da feet) like I took of my shoes and showed him both my foots

[Round 3: Carter Deems]
Your hair looks like two beautiful angels had a wrestlin' match
I really like his hair, write that down I want a record of that
But when it comes to your songs and music I don't want a record of that
Matter of fact, I don't care about this battle at all so every ten seconds flat
I'm gonna make a reference to cats
Joe's battle career is over, up in smoke, show Joe the magic show
I don't care about this battle bro
Find where it hurts, keep hittin' like Joe Dimagio
What's the matter bro?
I'm not talkin' 'bout guns when I say I grip that calico
I grip that calico under the nape of the neck and I never grab his nose
Now back to Joe
Your face- now back to cats
Forget about the ten second rule, I just thought about how cute it is when cats relax
Forget about racks, you can catch me stackin' cats
Forget about cats, forget Kat Stacks I'd rather look at pictures of stacks of cats
Cats on cats on cats on Carter
On cats on cats on cats nobody goes harder
Look, my farts so lethal I can attack chairs
Try not to act scared
When I sit down on your couch and blast there
Memaw just moved out of the guest room so I do all my crafts there
When it comes to [?] I go so hard I'm the Chief Keef of cat hair
Sometimes I let my cats lick my back hair
That's why I don't have much back there
Back where? Right in-between the shoulder blades
Last Friday I looked at a picture of a cat wearing Rollerblades
It was crazy dude
I'm so nervous I could probably take a poo
My bowels go HAM, Carter Deems makin' crazy moves
I push him to the side like staple food, I'm not a stable dude
I ran out of envelopes last week I need to go to Staples dude
Sometimes I do stuff outside like a kangaroo
Sometimes I do inside stuff like a table do
I'll take the driver out, tee it up, aim for you
Golf ball to the chest will be rough but that's an alright lie like April Fools
I'm sayin' I'm gonna play gold there
Fold him up like a lawn chair
You better keep an eye on the kid like an au pair
I'm all rare, tall bear walkin' down the street with ten cats they all have long hair
It's you I don't respect
You get your pockets checked...they're all there