Can’t Teach This

[Intro, spoken]
A notice to all Musicality students, Professor Stupendium’s lecture on awkward white middle-class hip-hop and its use as a promotional tool will be starting in the lecture hall shortly
Thank you!

[Verse 1]
Welcome, students, to Two Point U!
This campus we’ve established to point you
Down the path of academia and viewpoints new
And there’s a chance that you will leave here as employed too
We’re certain that the circumstance could use a little pomp
With learning you can turn your hand, just choose thе skill you want
The young mind needs a-moulding, and we do it with aplomb
Though no one еver specified just what to mould it from...

Every course, of course, has been meticulously planned
Though standard Maths and Science is particularly bland
So, pick from our curriculum of kitchens, crypts and bands
You won’t find a diploma simply digging in the sand!

[Interlude 1, spoken]
What's that... Oh they will? Ah, Archaeology, right, yes, we do teach Archaeology…
In that case, you might want to start digging for that diploma now, before it starts to compost

Would the teacher’s pet please report to the nurse for microchipping and deworming
Thank you!

[Verse 2]
We’re best in class for espionage, the course is sure to thrill you
But if I told you where it is, of course I’d have to kill you
Embark upon the darker arts if morbidness fulfils you
Our dungeon’s rather wonderous with all authentic mildew
There's jousting in the grounds, see them gleaming in their chivalry
There's pizza in the kitchen, inconvenient for delivery
Or come improve your subterfuge and scheming for the ministry
And rest assured our Wizard School is big on inclusivity

[Interlude 2, spoken]
Ah, young Mr. Toasterpastry, come in. I’m afraid I’ve called you to my office to talk about how you’ve been conducting yourself in the Music Lab
You see, you’re supposed to use a baton

[Chorus 1]
Here at Two Point Campus where our mind’s put to the test
Our scores in class still can’t surpass our piling student debts

[Interlude 3, spoken]
Would a Mr. Danger, on the Deep Undercover Spy course, please be aware that your mother is at the office with your packed lunch
This tannoy will now self-destruct

[Verse 3]
Greer? Here
Pleasant? Present
Glendenning? Attending
Samson? Absent
Hardy? Tardy
Tate? Late
Glover? Undercover
Drake? Baked
Connors? Slightly fossilized
Sorry, I apologize
Ustinov? Goofing off, and Robinson’s robotified
Have we got a Gideon?
Just pondering oblivion…
Hurst? I’m just a little cursed, but William’s amphibian
Hamman and Slattery? Ran out of battery
Cormack? On horseback and galloping gallantly
Pickering? Pickling
Coombes? Entombed
Hirshall? He’s virtually trapped in normality
Higgins? Digging
Emily? Napping
Winkler? Tinkering
Gregory? Rapping
Owens and Cleese? Throwing some cheese
Duncan flunked
And that only leaves…

[Interlude 4, spoken]
Llewellin Mayhew Matt O’Grady Baudelaire Phipping Tim Matthau Witherspoon?

He fell in a huge of vat of gravy but they’re fishing him back out with a spoon

…The fourth
And fork!

…I’m just going to put absent

[Chorus 2]
Here at Two Point Campus, we’ve got straight A’s through the roof
Though we’re acutely aware that our degrees are quite obtuse

[Interlude 5, spoken]
Students are reminded that though we are contractually obligated to encourage you to follow your dreams, that does not excuse falling asleep in lectures
Thank you!

[Verse 4]
We’re here to paint the future and now you can be the canvas
In that you’ll be hung out to dry as soon as fees are handed
Zoology? Neurology? We muddled up the pamphlets
We tried to hire Pavlov’s Dog but built a Hippo-Campus
We’ve scientific instruments, so come and get involved
Though one horrific incident, Chemistry club dissolved
The canteen’s packed with ten foot stacks of huge profiteroles
And a little dairy derring-do and you could win the gold
Other faculties can grapple with the boring and uncomical
Our methods are methodic and we’ve taught the tautological
The courses may be dangerous, and harm is very possible
You’re fortunate we’re neighbours with just far too many hospitals

[Interlude 6, spoken]
Good afternoon class. I’m glad to see you’re all here to hand in your invisibility assignments!

…Or I’m in the wrong room

Yeah, this is camouflage class mate

[Chorus 3]
Here at Two Point Campus where the future’s being formed
But you’ve seen what we teach here so don’t say that you weren’t warned

[Outro, spoken]
Graduating students are encouraged to have the time of their lives. Because it’s all downhill from here
Thank you!