Calgary

I arrived in Calgary today at maybe 6 PM
I walked the streets, and I walked, and I walked, and I couldn't find a single thing to take a photo of
Until I saw a bird that looked like a cross between a robin and a blue jay
With a long, sleek, shoehorn-shaped blue-black tail
I tried to get close enough to take a photo but he trotted away quickly
He was a big bird, but light as a quail on his feet
He wasn’t gonna try to fly away on account of me
But fuck if he was gonna let me invade his personal space
I have no idea what kind of bird he was and I'm not gonna try to Google him
Because I can tell he's not the type who wants to be Googled
He’s here to enjoy the moment, not the social media type
He's not looking for validation, he minds his own business
That bird was the only sign of animal life I saw today

Before dinner, I asked the woman at the front desk for restaurant advice
And she recommended a bar a block away that had snacks
I said, "Thanks, but I'm not looking for a bar, I'm looking for a restaurant"
She then recommended another bar that also happened to have food
Does Canada assume that everybody in the entire world prioritizes alcohol over food?
I don't mean this in a mean way, I observe for a living
I'm just curious is all, I'm not being judgemental

Then she told me about a dim sum place nearby called Two Penny
I don't know what was going on in that dim sum place but the two waitresses there were really nice to me
Like I was Leonardo DiCaprio or something
One recommended a variety of dishes and I asked for iced tea
She said, "Well, you’re American, so I should let you know that the iced tea here is sweetened"
I said, "Aw man, I’m 52, I'll end up with a bad headache if I drink sweetened tea
I might even have a heart attack
I’ll have some sparkling water, thanks"
The waitresses were asking how long I was gonna be in town
Then recommended various places where I could go get bottled water and fruits and vegetables for my two-night stay
One said, "Go to this place on that street"
The other said, "No, try that place on this street"
I said, "This is nice of both of you, but I'm not from here, so I don't know the streets
Please just tell me one place"
They told me about a place that had the word "sun" in it
And I walked in that direction but I never found it
But I did find a 7/11 and I got bottled water and oranges

I couldn't sleep when I went back there at about 11 PM
I got a hot dog with no bread because I’m told I gotta cut back on carbs
I used to look like Mark Kozelek, now I look like one of those from Lost Lovers
Don't laugh, it could happen to you

On my way back, I was having a cigarette outside the hotel on an empty lifeless street
And this homeless guy came up to me slowly
His knees were all fucked up, mumbling
Tossing some white tube thing from one of his hands to the other
He said something about, "The British press won't talk to me"
I said, "That's funny, we have something in common
They won't talk to me either"
He kept mumbling under his breath, fidgeting. he couldn't stand still
I couldn't understand him, but I said, "What's wrong?"
He said, "I just need somebody to talk to, nobody will talk to me, I'm lonely
Will you please talk to me?"
I said, "Of course I'll talk to you, what's bothering you?"
He stepped back about four feet on his messed up legs and whispered something
I stepped in close to him and said, "I didn't hear you"
He whispered, "I sell drugs"
I said, "Man, you're in the wrong town
Calgary is no place for a drug dealer, there's nobody around here
You ought to try Vancouver or Montreal, you'd do better there"
He said it again, he said, "Well, I sell drugs"
I whispered back, "Well, I can't help you, I'm not interested in your drugs"
He kept standing there, quiet, mumbling, restless
I stood there with him, smoking my cigarette
I could tell he wanted to say something else
He was all paranoid like I was gonna pull out a badge and tear his head off if he said something more risky than admitting that he was a drug dealer
With his voice shaking, he said, "Man, can I get a cigarette?"
I said, "Sure", and I gave him four
One fell to the ground and I picked it up for him
As soon as I handed him the fourth cigarette, that guy with the fucked up knees ran off faster than a gazelle under the dark, pedestrian-free streets of Calgary

I slept okay but not great, so today I got up and went looking for Tylenol PM
Tylenol PM helps me sleep sometimes, that or Melatonin
I went to four different places and they didn't have any
I finally went to this place called Shoppers and asked a woman working there if they had any
She said, "Oh boy, I don't know about that one"
I said, "What's up with no Tylenol PM in Calgary?
I can't find it anywhere
Do people use it took cook meth or something, is it bad?"
She said, "Well, I've never cooked meth, so I wouldn't know"
I said, "Well, have you ever tried meth?"
She looked at me, startled like she was about to call security
She shook her head with an affirmative no
I said, "Oh, you're missing out, it's good"
Her eyes opened wide, she was seriously alarmed
I said, "Hey, I'm just kidding"
She let out a huge sigh and led me over to the section where we found Tylenol Nighttime
I said, "Ah, Tylenol Nighttime, I guess this will work"
The USA and Canada name things a little bit differently sometimes
They color things differently, like their money
Everything's different
Canada gives Chinatown a day off on Labor Day
Canada has free healthcare, they give homeless people 1,000 dollars a month
That's more than most of my deadbeat relatives in Ohio make working hard shitty jobs
I came back to my hotel, took a Tylenol Nighttime, and zonked out

I just got up after noon and went back to Two Penny for lunch
Hoping to get my self-esteem stroked again by those two waitresses
A hostess walked up to me and I held up one finger and said, "Just one"
She squinted her eyes and said, "Just one drink?"
I said, "No, I'm here by myself, it's just me"
She said, "Would you like to sit at the bar?"
What is it with Canadian sitting down for drinks at noon?
I said, "No, I don't want to sit at the bar, I'm just here for lunch"
She sat me at a table
I had apple cabbage potstickers and a salad
I've never been to Calgary before, and the thing I've noticed
None of the 7/11s or corner stores have unsweetened tea
Even the local café looked at me like I was from Mars when I asked for an unsweetened iced tea
So I got an unsweetened iced coffee instead and ended up all jittery
And came back to the hotel and lifted weights for about 5 minutes
Now I'm done typing this out and I'm gonna head to soundcheck

I look forward to getting away from this hotel and playing my show in Calgary tonight
I've played a lot of Canadian cities and there's only one of them I didn't like
Victoria
I showed up there years ago and the promoter said
"Mark, I'm sorry to tell you this, but we only sold 76 tickets"
I said, "76? Why?"
He said, "Well, Nickelback is playing tonight, way down the street"
I said, "Who in the fuck is Nickelback?"
He said, "Mark, they're huge, and they're Canadian"
So I played my show in Victoria grumbling and bellyaching to my crowd of 76
The next day I had a day off and I walked around feeling sorry for myself
And I saw a hair place that was open
I didn't really need a haircut, but there was nothing else to do
I sat down to get my haircut
The hairdresser asked me, "Are you from out of town?"
I said, "Yeah"
She said, "What are you doing here in Victoria?"
I said, "Well, I'm on tour
I'm a musician, I played a show in town last night"
She lit up and said, "Oh my God, are you one of the guys from Nickelback?"
I said, "No, I'm not"
I stormed out of there and I said, "You know what?
I'm gonna get my haircut someplace else"
And I walked around Victoria feeling like dogshit
There was nothing to do, I was so bored
So I eventually returned to the hair place and I told her I was sorry
And asked her if she would please reconsider giving me a haircut
She said, "Sure I will, but can I ask you, what's wrong?"
I said, "I don't know, I'm just having a bad day
I guess I don't really need a haircut, I just need somebody to talk to"