Breathe

Today I looked up how long it would take to drown
Today I looked up how long it would take to drown

How long can you hold your breath before you can’t hold your breath any longer?
And how long until your lungs give out and the sound that used to fill the void, quiets like a mouse at midnight, searching for its piece of the pie

Today I stood in front of a window and imagined what it would be like to fly
No I didn’t, I imagined what it would be like to jump outside the frame that caged me inside
But my better judgement said it wouldn’t be very kind if someone you cared about found you
That’s the voice that plays like a tape on rewind
Rewind
Rewind
It wouldn’t be fair to a stranger either

Today I’m reminded of the time I watched a man jump into a highway when I was just seventeen
The car lights on either side of the upper portion of the auto route below standing at attention
Staring off into the distance, just waiting for the road to clear, and the way to the comfort of their loved ones to be made
Death is a strange and hollow inconvenience when you think about it

There’s a blank face that quickly and abruptly finds its way to all who witness something of that magnitude
It’s not empathy, it’s not sympathy, it’s more of a forced, intrinsic, and integral self-reflection
Why would someone do such a thing?
What could drive someone to that type of depth?
Could I, be driven to such depths?
Would I ever be able to jump?

There is no place to be soft in these moments
Jump
There’s no time to be caught in this moment
Jump
There’s no need to believe there ever was a moment
Jump
Sigh, believe, relief, in this moment
'Cause I could never be the one to be in this moment
Or could I?
Jump

Today I looked up how long it would take to drown
Do you first hold your breath, do you exhale all of your problems and worries before casting your thoughts to the bottom of an otherwise empty place below the poverty line of depressed thoughts and the sad calamity of a haunted house you've called home

I don’t know
Maybe someone out there has an answer

But for now I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that today I looked up how long it would take to drown