Bosom Buddies

[VERA & MAME]
We'll always be bosom buddies
Friends, sisters, and pals
We'll always be bosom buddies
If life should reject you
There's me to protect you

[VERA]
If I say that your tongue is vicious-

[MAME]
If I call you uncouth-

[BOTH]
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and tell you the truth?

[VERA, spoken]
Though now and again I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting-

[MAME, spoken]
Though often my frank observation might scald
I've been meaning to tell you for years
You should keep your hair natural like mine

[VERA, spoken]
If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald

(sung)
But darling

[BOTH]
We'll always be dear companions

[VERA]
My crony

[MAME]
My mate

[BOTH]
We'll always be harmonizing

[VERA]
Orphan Annie and Sandy

[BOTH]
Like Amos and Andy

[VERA]
If I say that your sense of style's
As far as off as your youth;
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will tell you the whole stinking truth?

[MAME, spoken]
Each time that a critic has written
"Your voice is the voice of a frog!"
Straight to your side to defend you I rush
You know that I'm there ev'ry time that the world makes an unkind remark
When they say "Vera Charles is the world's greatest lush!"

(sung)
It hurts me!

[VERA]
And if I say your fangs are showing
Mame, pull in your claws
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will notice the obvious flaws!

[MAME, spoken]
I feel it's my duty to tell you it's time to adjust to your age; you try to be "Peg O' My Heart", when you're "Lady Macbeth."
Exactly how old are you, Vera? The truth!

[VERA, spoken]
How old do you think?

[MAME, spoken]
I'd say somewhere in between forty and the death!

[BOTH]
But sweetie

[VERA]
I'll always be Alice Toklas
If you'll be Gertrude Stein
And though I'll admit I've dished you
I've gossiped and gloated
But I'm so devoted

[MAME]
And if I say that sex and guts
Made you into a star
It's simply that
Who else but a bosom buddy
Will tell you how rotten you are?

[BOTH]
Just turn your bosom buddy
For aid and affection
For help and direction
For loyalty, love, and forsooth
Remember that who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and level
And give you the devil
Will sit down and tell you the truth?