Bad Bad News

[EDDIE]
What is a man
When he gives up his soul
For a lick
From a chick
Who completely takes control?

[MALCOLM, spoken]
Tell the tale!

[EDDIE]
How does a man who can see behind his head
Turn as blind as a bat with no eyes?

[MALCOLM]
What is a man?
When he turns on his friends?
We've been tossed
Now we're lost
Just a platter of burnt ends

[EDDIE, spoken]
I feel you

[MALCOLM]
How do we make
Our hero wide awake
So that he
Can re-
Alize?

[MALCOLM & EDDIE]
That girl is bad, bad news!
Bad news!
Nothing but tears
Nothing but trouble
Nothing but stress!
Yeah, she is bad, bad news!
Bad news!

[EDDIE]
Bad news!

[MALCOLM & EDDIE]
Our buddy Brett
Is gonna regret
That he ever said "Yes!"
The girl may be hot
But all that he's got
Is bad, bad news

[EDDIE]
What do you do when your friend's life's at stake?

[MALCOLM]
Man, he's flipped

[SIMON]
No, he's whipped
Like the cream on a cake

[EDDIE]
What can we say?

[MALCOLM]
He won't talk

[SIMON]
He won't play

[MALCOLM, EDDIE & SIMON]
How could one tongue destroy a whole team?

[MALCOLM, EDDIE, SIMON & RICHIE]
That girl is bad, bad news!
Bad news!

[SIMON]
Oh, she's very bad news

[RICHIE]
She's like a snake!

[EDDIE]
She's like a cockroach!

[SIMON]
She's like a cow!
A skinny cow!

[ALL]
Wow, she is bad, bad news!
Bad news!

[MALCOLM]
Très bad!

[ALL]
We've been abandoned
Left in the sand and
Who are we now?
He fell for a slut
With a fabulous butt
But she's bad, bad news

[EDDIE, spoken]
Perhaps there's a way we can "dispose" of her

[MALCOLM, spoken]
Maybe she can "meet with an accident"?

[SIMON]
We have got to make clear that she's not welcome here
The most horrible way we can find

[MALCOLM]
We could go train a pit bull to chew on her flesh

[EDDIE]
I don't think they attack their own kind

[RICHIE]
We could torture her mother and chop up her dog

[SIMON]
To be honest, I don't think she'd mind!

[EDDIE]
I could rip off her pocketbook. Look, it's a start

[MALCOLM]
Drive a stake through her heart, if she just had a heart

[ALL]
The longer it goes, the worse it'll get!
So somebody's gotta tell Brett!

[RICHIE]
Yeah!

[MALCOLM, EDDIE & SIMON]
That girl is bad, bad news!
Bad news!

[RICHIE]
She's news of the bad persuasion!

[MALCOLM, EDDIE & SIMON]
She took our pal
She took our leader
And led him astray!
Hey! Hey!

[ALL]
She's totally bad, bad news!
Bad news!

[EDDIE, riffing]
Bad news!

[MALCOLM, attempting to out-riff EDDIE]
Bad news!

[ALL]
Listen up, Brett!
You're not ruined yet!
We'll show you the way!
Throw her under the bus
And come back to us!

[MALCOLM]
Even though she has excellent shoes...

[ALL]
She's bad, bad, bad, bad
Bad, bad, bad, bad
News!
Bad news!