As the Screw Turns

[Intro, talk around a campfire]

[Milva]
But you want to tell us what you're writing, don't you?

[Zoltan]
Aye, you know he does

[Milva]
Go on

[Yarpen]
Ah, come on, bard

[Jaskier]
I'm getting old. And I have come to realize that I won't be around forever. But my stories might be

[Jaskier, singing]
Picture it, if you'll abide
Oxenfurt, my collegiate pride

[Zoltan, interrupting]
Uh, will the whole thing be in song?

[Jaskier]
Yes, bitch

[Jaskier, verse 1]
My head was mending from an ache
Anne Henrietta gave my heart a break

[Geralt]
Not exactly how I remember our time in Oxenfurt

[Verse 1, continued]
Was on a stroll I oft would take

[Jaskier, verse 2]
It's funny how the world can feel
The opposite of what is real
My mood is grim, that is no lie
Yet still, the sun hangs in the sky

[Jaskier]
Yeah, I know this isn't your sort of thing, but, you know, just sort of go with it

[Jaskier, verse 3]
I couldn't help but hear you're down
Perhaps you'd like a reach around?
I thank you, love, I shall abstain
Unless the Witcher'd like a go?
She's very good - just sayin'

[Geralt]
No

[Jaskier, verse 4]
As for what would fill my soul
A distraction, hobby, or a goal

[Town crier]
Ladies and gentlemen, Valdo Marx!

[Valdo]
There once was a man from Ebbing

[Jaskier]
Could that be my answer there?

[Geralt]
Where?

[Valdo, continued]
Who had a problem bed-wetting
He'd lay down his head
Asleep in his bed
And awake to find piss in the bedding

[Jaskier, verse 5]
That lad may lack credentials
But I cannot deny the potential

[Jaskier, verse 6]
My task is big, I must admit
But first things first, the perfect fit
Embellishments and finery
The boy just needs refinery
Show off what we've been up to

[Valdo]
I'm ready for my big debut

Did I offend?

[Jaskier]
You did, my friend
We don't do velvet

Burn this

Besides, being a bard is about so much more than the trappings of fashion

[Jaskier, verse 7]
Next is my style of performance-ship
To craft a tale is truest wit
For some, it may be clothes or hair
Or how they dance on air

[Jaskier]
To quote a dear friend
"No."

[Valdo]
Pray tell me more, my hunger's deep
How do you track which trends will keep?

[Jaskier, verse 8]
'Tis here I keep my greatest works
My precious dreams
And unrealized cirques
I'd be all right deprived of garbs
Without these, I'd be cursed

[Valdo]
If hesitation strikes my bard

[Jaskier]
Mm-hm, mm-hmm

[Valdo]
Do keep your own heart well on guard

[Jaskier]
Mm-hmm, mm-mm-mm-mm-hm

[Valdo]
I'll understand, respect your choice

[Jaskier]
Some songs could use a second voice

[Valdo, verse 9]
Take this one about the chill
Of winter's breath upon the hill
What themes of loss
What mighty quill

[Jaskier]
I see in you a younger me
You'll get there, pray, eventually

[Zoltan]
God strike me down for carin'. What happened next?

[Geralt]
The fucker stole his songbook

[Jaskier, verse 10]
Whenever will this feeling end?
Or are these symptoms of a trend?
New dulcet tones from over there
You think he'll wanna yank me hair?
Consensually mind, yeah?

[Town crier]
Ladies and gentlemen, Valdo Marx!

[Valdo, to the tune of All Is Not As It Seems]
Around your house
Now white with frost

[Jaskier]
Do my eyes deceive?

[Valdo, to the tune of All Is Not As It Seems]
Are sparks of ice and floe

[Jaskier]
Or is this true?

[Valdo, to the tune of All Is Not As It Seems]
Your longing eyes may grieve the loss

[Jaskier]
A final turning of the screw

[Valdo, to the tune of All Is Not As It Seems]
But naught will change your woe

[Jaskier]
This truly is perverse

[Jaskier]
He took everything from me. Everything!

[Crowd, chanting]
Valdo! Valdo! Valdo! Valdo! Valdo!

[Geralt]
Let's go

[Outro]
Val can keep
His stolen songs
Stay haunted in his devious wrongs

But my whole life
The things I've seen
They are chronicled in binding seams
It's this
This is what I am meant to give
These words and stories
They'll outlive

[Zoltan]
Bra-fucking-vo

[Percival]
Let's take that fucker, Val

[Jaskier]
That is but one chapter in what will one day be "fifty years of poetry." I thank you very much