Amateur Wordsmith (2024 Remake)

[Intro]
Seems a lot of rappers like to rap about how good they are at rapping?
I'm better than I used to be
But I'd still hate to be dishonest with you...

[Verse 1]
So, hip-hop's a new hobby I'm attempting
But there's a hiccup that needs circumventing
A niggle in the middle of the job of my dreams
And that's a lack of practice when exploring the themes

I can't rap about bitches and hoes, riches and clothes
Beating up and leaving stitches in foes
I'm not familiar with those, and it's an issue, I know
'Cause they're thematically what rappers seem to spit in thеir flows

Without the clout, well what's that really lеave me with, hmm?
What do I spout if not some needless egotism?
I'll leave you wishing you'd switched off your speaker system
Scheme of visionary lyricism? Eh... It really isn't

And I anticipate the criticism:
Why are the lyrics different?
And does the act of improving the rap
On a track about the fact
That you're crappy at that kinda clash?
Really match with your initial vision?

It's a weird decision, well, you can quit your bitchin'
If I could be forgiven, tell me, who just hit the million?
I did, so if you could adjust your position
And sit and swivel on my lyrical juxtaposition

[Chorus]
I'm just an amateur wordsmith
You'll be indifferent the instant you've heard it
When I'm finished, you'll be wishing you'd skipped the track
So, here's five minutes you won't get back

[Verse 2]
I'd wager there's no other rapper so fine tailored
I've paid for far too many nice blazers
Style's dangerous, all my tailors sign waivers
Fruit so fresh, I'm practically lime-flavoured

If my drip seems plain, I don't got a lot of bling
Wanna talk about chains? See my pocket watch swing
Yeah, my number of cufflinks is disgusting
My sleeves hold together better than my rhyming

If you need a dapper rapper, I'm your them, G
I'm going wild across the board, Jumenji?
Yeah, this scheme don't really work now that I'm enby
But if I'm not your first choice? I'll be your plen B

So hit skip if I ain't taking your fancy
'Cause I'm pretty quick but I ain't breaking the land-speed
'Cause I'm pretty slick but they ain't flailing their panties
I need the clicks but I ain't catering to rap beef

Schemes thicc like my pen raided the pantry
Queen Vic how my bars flame up and fans weep
Niche mix like I'm feat. Statham and Lansbury
Feet pics? You see me making a Fansly?
You know I actually prefer the original, run it back

'Cause I'm pretty quick but I ain't breaking the land-speed
Oh, you've got a plan B? Heck, I'll be your plan Z
I'll be waiting in the Q - John De Lancie

Another white 'guy' dressed up in a nice tie
Thinks their rhymes are quite fly but it's nothing you ain't heard before
Flipped the drive-bys for lyrical fine dining
Green on the mic - pique your appetite? Herbivore

Know that the juiciest flow's squeezed out of oranges
I make salads from the leaves of thesauruses
Abecedarian, apprentice, aspirant, admissible
Acceptable and adequate and average, more or less

[Chorus]
I'm just an amateur wordsmith
You'll be indifferent the instant you've heard it
When I'm finished, you'll be wishing you'd skipped the track
So, here's five minutes you won't get back

[Verse 3]
I got the sauce in the pan, so just let me cook
So that my mum and my nan can pretend it looks
Like they're pleased I escaped from the desk and books
And my degree's not a waste of the debts I took

Rap's bonne vivante? Or whack hack a crook?
Perhaps my songs just haunt like I'm the Rapadook?
My lines go on and on just like a babbling brook
Fishing for compliments without a catchy hook

The fact that this is my job's actually mental
'Cause chance is any mic drop's accidental
Hit my street cred limit and my flow-verdraft
And if I'm making paper then it's only crafts

Yeah, I flow so white like a Grecian toga
Need one more pun here to meet my quota
The craft theme might still see me over
The only pigment here is medi-ochre

There's never been a fella so bereft of any melanin
Attempting to be clever rhyming melanin with theremin
Or terrapins called Sheridan or trendy gyms with ferrets in
Will heaven ever let me in? I'm winging more than seraphim

Pathetically projecting just a semblance of intelligence
By speccing into eloquence instead of making any sense
Like Robin and his merry men arrested by the sheriff then
Subjected to experiments to render them American

[Chorus]
I'm just an amateur wordsmith
You'll be indifferent the instant you've heard it
When I'm finished, you'll be wishing you'd skipped the track
So, here's five minutes you won't get back

[Verse 4]
My couplets aren't scuffed as some you've heard
I put a lot of care in pairing up the funny words
50% of the time? Nifty attempt at a rhyme
The other half it's... well, it's not

My skill with similes I really haven't mastered
But like a massive car crash I'm slowly moving past it
Now we're at the point I really didn't want to start yet
Let us now revisit the obligatory fast bit

[Obligatory fast bit]
Kid from the South, pissing about
Lyrics aren't spitting, just dribbling down
Spewing a slew musically askew
As I'm chewing up tunes and then spitting them out
Failing at fame, fairly forgettable
Shameless and vain, employing a pedestal
Quips and the flips are both varied and plentiful
Spit 'em this quick and they're nearly illegible

Tongue tasked with too much to handle
Bars so whack, still can't hold a candle
Get that bag? It's straight from the landfill
But I have now featured with Dan Bull
But if my lyrics are lacking a little
It lengthens them leaning liberally alliterative
Lining up letters, while lyrically gimmicky's
Leaving you locked with your lexicon limited

Looking for lines that alliterate wittily
Lands you in loops in the leaves of a dictionary
Logging a litany of logical liberties
Letting the lemons elope in your limousine
Linguistic littering, lazily writ
Less likely to leave me labelled as lit
Lift up the lid and you plainly can tell
Clearly, I'm really just taking the L

[Verse 5]
Blimey, you're still here! Wow!
I didn't think you'd make it up until I slowed down
Thanks for humouring my stupor of a flow
You've been super and I know that you all wanna go now

Just a smidgeon of revision and some little new additions
As I fix up all the bits that the original was missing
Reenvisaging felt fitting as we hit upon the million
Thanks for giving it a listen to revisit the beginning

I appreciate I've kept you for some time
Without boobs or a reference to gun crime
I've tweaked the beats and I added some fun rhymes
But I need to concede it's still lacking a punchline