Alone I Descend

I gave it a chance but it wasn't enough
I paid in advance but it wasn't enough
I put my heart in it
Fully restarted it
Gave it my all but it wasn't enough

I got excited for once in my life but the pain it provided would never subside
So I ran and I run and I hide away
So I'm stuck at home smoking the night away

I've got some broken bones
Ghosts who rejoice in my overdose
Hopeless the rope is my only home
So just leave me the fuck alone

Let me wallow and swallow thеse pills while I'm writing thesе lonely poems
Open my throat to the world and the vultures turn up in their wake waiting for my decay baiting their hooks while I'm wasting my life away

I'm wasting my life away
I wish I could just stop fucking up
Over and over I get stuck coming up
Cover myself with the mud that I'm suited for
Life in the gutter is what I was rooted for

A loop I was doomed to repeat for eternity
Endlessly bringing me back to the fact that I'll never experience certainty
But I mean certainly I can't expect anymore for myself than the millions who can't even eat

I feel so defeated
There's really no winning when living is counting the days of the week
Counting the hours til we sleep
Counting the ways we could fuck it all up between now and the furthermost end we conceive
How can I ever find peace if I can't even focus on anything out of my reach?

Alone I descend
I return to the deep