Advice from Christmas Past

[Spoken Word]
Why are you such a stupid asshole?
Would you really like to know?
Well, pay your fee, remove your clothes
And Yvette will show you how
You went to school
Where you were taught
To fear and to obey
Be cheerful, fit in
Or someone might think you're weird
Life can be perfect
People can be trusted
Someday, I will fall in love
A nice, quiet home of my very own
Free from all the pain
Happy and having fun all the time
It never happened, did it?