About Last Night...

[Barack Obama stands behind a podium facing two teleprompters, two glass walls, and a crowd of supporters. He has just won the Presidency.]

Obama: If there is anyone out there tonight who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

[The Marsh house. Randy jumps for joy while his family, including Grandpa Marsh, sits on the sofa behind him. Another couple stands behind the sofa. Gerald and Sheila sit on a second sofa. Randy and Gerald wear Obama shirts.]

Randy: Yeah. Obama. Woo. We did it. We fucking did it.
Gerald: Yeah.
Obama: It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America.
Randy: Yeah. Yeah, Obama. Change. It's, it's change.
Obama: Sasha and Malia, I love you both more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. We will name him Sparkles.
Randy: He's so awesome. He's so perfect and awesome.
Obama: Where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.
Supporters: Yes, we can.
Randy: Yes I can. Yes I can.

[Outside the Marsh house. Randy opens the door and proclaims]

Randy: Here comes the change everybody. Woo.
Mr. Harris: Did you see? Our man is in.
Mrs. Harris: We did it.
Mr. Adler: Everything is going to be awesome now.
Randy: This is the greatest day of our lives. Yes we can.
Linda Black: I don't even know what to do now.
Randy: I know what to do. Losers. Losers.

[The Stotch house, living room. A "Go McCain" banner hangs over the sofa. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair, Steven and Linda sit on the sofa with Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria and her boyfriend sit on two chairs in front of Mr. Mackey. Mostly everyone there is wearing a McCain or Palin shirt or sweater.]

Crowd: Losers. Losers.
Steven: Oh, shut up.
Crowd: Losers.
Butters: We lost?
McCain: It is natural. It's natural tonight to feel some disappointment. We fought as hard as we could, and though we fell short, the failure is mine, not yours.
Supporters: No, no. No, no.
Butters: Aw, poor old John McCain. Well, he looks real sad.
Steven: No. No, this can't happen! No.
Linda: Steven.
Steven: It's all over, Linda. The country as we know it is about to change. We're all dead.
Linda: You don't know that, Steven.
Mr. Mackey: With an inexperienced man as President, we do know it. He is right. Game over, man. Okay?
Mr. Garrison: We'll probably be dead by sunrise.
Steven: Butters, Daddy loves you. Just remember that. He always loved you. It's Randy
Randy: Woo. Obama.
Mr. Garrison: Get out of here.

[The Marsh house. It's quiet there now. The doorbell rings and Stan answers it. He sees Kyle and Ike on the landing.]

Kyle: Dude, have you seen my parents?
Stan: No, everyone is out partying in the streets. What's wrong with your brother?
Kyle: He was a McCain supporter. It's okay, Ike. Obama will do fine.

[Chicago, Obama headquarters. It's 1:10 am and Obama steps through some double doors. The press awaits him.]

Reporter 1: Uh, Mr. President, over here.
Reporter 2: Congratulations.
Reporter 3: Great job.
Reporter 4: Change.
Reporter 5: Great job, Mr. President.
Reporter 6: Great job, Obama.
Obama: Thank you all for your support. If you don't mind, I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening getting some much needed rest. Senator McCain.
McCain: President Obama.
McCain, Obama: Woo, baby.
Obama: Oh, man that was perfect.
McCain: I almost thought we were gonna tie for a minute there. That would have screwed us.
Obama: You played it perfectly, there was no way.
McCain: It's McCain, we did it. Obama is President.
Davis: Yeah, so I've heard. You guys are out of your freaking minds, you know that?
McCain: Yes, we do. Assemble the rest of the team. We've only got ten hours.
Davis: Sure. Hard part's over, right?
McCain: Actually, the hard part's just starting.

[The streets of South Park. Two men set up a "Obama for President 2008" banner over the roof of a house. Down below are posters and banners for Obama plastered all over the houses and the crowd is partying to "Celebration." Randy rallies them on by blowing through a paper horn]

Reveler 1: Woo.
Reveler 2: Obama, yeah. I can't believe it.
Randy: Obama. Obama.
Revelers: Obama. Obama.
Randy: Celebrate good. Obama come on. It's Obama.

[Stan's house. He and Kyle look at the partying going on outside. Stan is on the phone]

Stan: Yes, I'd like to make a noise complaint.
Crowd: Obama.
Randy: Who let the Obama out? Oh, police are here. Oh.
Crowd: Oh.
Barbrady: Okay people, time to disperse. Party's over.
Randy: Boo.
Reveler: Party, Obama.
Barbrady: Come on, time to go home.
Randy: What are you? A McCain voter?
Crowd: Yeah.
Randy: Sorry pal, but Obama's President now.
Crowd: Obama. Obama.
Randy: Yeah, yeah. Flip the cop car. Flip the cop car.
Barbrady: Hey, put down my car.
Revelers: Yes we can.
Barbrady: No, no. Hey, stop it.
Stan: Jesus Christ.
Randy: Obama, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey, Obama. Hey, Obama.
Cartman: Hey, you guys want to buy a TV?

[Washington D.C., at the penthouse of a hotel. Obama and McCain enter a suite where the rest of their team is waiting for them. It's 2:15 am. The team members applaud them as they reach the middle of the room.]

Quincy: Bravo Obama and McCain. Ten years you two have been working on this plan and you've finally pulled it off.
McCain: Guys, we've all known each other a long time, had many incredible adventures, but this is going to be our greatest feat ever.
Neely: I knew it. I knew when you two ran for President you were just working an angle.
Obama: Always working the angles.
McCain: My friends, while the entire country is busy reacting to the election, we are about to pull off the greatest heist in human history.
Quincy: So, come on, enlighten us. What are we stealing this time?
Obama: The Hope Diamond, rated number four of the ten most precious diamonds in the world. Going street value. Middle-Eastern market. Of course, two hundred and ten million dollars.
Davis: Two hundred and ten?
McCain: Million.
Quincy: No, no, no. The Hope Diamond is ungettable. Every thief in the world knows that.
Obama: Almost ungettable. The diamond is kept in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, long considered to be the most thief-proof structure ever built. The Diamond Wing Is protected by impenetrable walls of two-foot wide steel. On the northeast side, a seven-five laser system. There's simply no side of the Smithsonian that can be breached.
Davis: So, you go in from the roof, drop into it from the top.
Obama: Can't get it to from the top because a polymer shelf runs the entire expanse.
Quincy: Okay, you can't get into the museum from any side and you can't drop in from above, so you can't get the diamond.
McCain: Meet the Presidential Escape Tunnel. A two-mile long underground passage that runs from the White House to a location outside the city limits in case of an attack. The tunnel is only accessible from the Oval Office and just happens to travel right underneath the Smithsonian Natural History Museum.
Neely, Davis: Boom, baby.
McCain: You get somebody into that tunnel, they can blast into the museum, let the others in, the heist is on.
Quincy: So you both run for President because one of you has to win, and you've got your access to the tunnel.
McCain: And we run on particularly brutal campaigns so that the nation is as distracted as possible over the next eight hours.
Quincy: This all sounds very risky.
Obama: We've spent ten years putting this plan together. If we are indeed the greatest thief club in the world-
Neely: And we are.
Obama: -We won't get caught.

[Stan's house, night. Kyle is in the kitchen, on the phone with 9-1-1.]

Kyle: Yes, ah. I'm trying to locate my parents. My name is Kyle Broflovski. Yes, I know Obama won.
Stan: Kyle, Kyle you gotta get out here.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Your little brother has climbed out of the window. I think he's gonna jump.
Kyle: Oh, my God.

[Stan's house, one of the windows. Kyle is standing on a window sill in the den mumbling out loud. Stan and Kyle run outside and reach the window.]

Kyle: Ike, don't do it. There's still so much to live for. I know you really wanted McCain to win but, but it's going to be okay. No, that's not true, Ike. The economy could easily stabilize with Obama's plan. Ike, don't jump. You could really hurt your ankle or something. Really Ike, that's like five feet off the ground. Don't do it.
Ike: Good-bye.
Stan, Kyle: No.
Kyle: Ike? Oh, crap. Ike?

[The White House, night.]

Chief of Security: All right, everyone, I'm turning in for the night. Go to standard security, team three.
SS Agent: Sir. Sir, we have a bit of a problem.
Chief of Security: What?
SS Agent: The new President-elect is here.
Chief of Security: Barack Obama?
SS Agent 2: They're all, they're all right through here, sir.
Chief of Security: Uh, hello, is there something we can do for you, Mr. Obama?
Obama: Just checking out the new digs. How are you guys?
Chief of Security: Good, sir.
Obama: I'd like to see the Oval Office, please?
Chief of Security: Right now?
Obama: I don't waste time, gentlemen. I've only got two months to figure out how I wanna redecorate, if you know what I mean. You know, change the drapes and stuff.
Chief of Security: Sure, right this way, Mr President.
Obama: I will need absolute privacy, is that understood?
Chief of Security: Yes sir.
Obama: Thanks.
Chief of Security: I got a hundred dollars.

[Inside the Oval Office.]

Obama: All right, McCain. I'm in.
McCain: Nicely done, B. We're in position outside the Smithsonian. You find the escape tunnel?
Obama: I'm already on it. Boom baby.

[South Park, early early morning. The Obama supporters are still partying on the neighborhood streets. The music this time is "Whoomp"]

Reveler 3: Yeah.
Randy: Woo, change.
Reveler 4: Change.
Reveler 5: Change.
Stan: Dad Dad, we have a problem.
Randy: Not anymore we don't; everything's different now.
Stan: No, Dad, we gotta take Kyle's brother to the hospital.
Randy: We don't have to take crap from the fit, rich fat cats anymore.
Stan: Dude, he's wasted.
Randy: Hey, it's my boss. Hey boss.
Randy's Boss: Oh, hello Marsh.
Randy: Yeah, you know what? Fuck you.
Randy's Boss: Huh?
Randy: You heard me, you fucking piece of shit. I can finally tell you what I think of you, fucking asshole.
Stan: Dad, what are you doing?
Randy: It's okay, Stan, everything's changed. I don't need this stupid fucking job anymore. You little fucking ass-fuck, piece of shit. You know what Obama said? Yes we can.
Randy's Boss: Hey, I voted for Obama.
Randy: Obama's not talking about you.
Kyle: Can someone help us? My little brother fell out of a window.

[McCain headquarters. Sarah Palin stands behind a podium. Photographers snap away at their cameras]

Palin: I just wanna say to everyone who's a little disappointed that we lost the election that there's always next year. Maybe I'll run again for Vice President again in 2009.
Reporter 1: Uh, Mrs. Palin, have you seen or heard from John McCain?
Palin: Uh, uh, no. I don't really know where he went. Kinda seems a little odd, I guess, but. Oh, my phone's going ringy. Excuse me. Hello?
McCain: Hello Sarah, it's McCain.
Palin: I hope to God you're calling to tell me you're in position below the vault with the L7 charges.
Obama: I'm in the tunnel now, Sarah. I should be almost below the museum.
Palin: Just make sure you don't blow the transformers along with the tunnel because it will trigger the five-four laser system! And don't damage any coupling wires or it'll be worthless when Gary shuts down the grid. I'll be there in thirty.
Obama: God, she's awesome.
Palin: Oh, I guess Senator McCain's gonna fly me back to Alaska now. He's got a private jet, you know? Okay, bye bye then. Bloody idiots.
McCain: All right, here we go.
Guard 1: What's that noise?
Guard 2: It's okay, just some construction outside.

[Inside the Smithsonian. Obama looks around and sees the laser system is on.]

Obama: Oh no. McCain? We've got a problem.

[South Park streets, night. Stan and Kyle have placed Ike in a red Radio Flier wagon and are pulling him along. Ike moans from time to time. They pass by a gas station.]

Kyle: Hang in there, Ike. We're gonna get you help.
Stan: Hey, there's some people.
Steven: Let's just stay back. Stay bak. We don't have any more room in the Ark.
Supporter 1: You have to let us in! You know the country's doomed.
Woman Supporter 1: Who are you to turn us away?
Steven: I built this bunker in case McCain lost. There isn't enough room for everyone.
Kyle: Hey, excuse me, but we need some help.
Steven: I know you do, but there's no more room, I tell you.
Supporter 2: You're going to deny them too?
Supporter 1: For God's sake, man, they're children. Look them in the eyes and tell them you won't take them in. Look at their little cheeks.
Stan: Let go of my face, asshole.
Steven: All right, damn you. The children can come in.
Kyle: No, we don't want to enter any of your stupid shelter.
Supporter 3: Okay, then I want their place.
Supporter 4: Me too.
Kyle: We need a ride to the hospital.
Supporter 1: There isn't gonna be a hospital. Don't you get it
Woman Supporter 2: Let us in now.
Mr. Garrison: Whoa, Jesus, it's already happening. Society's breaking down.
Supporter 5: Obama hasn't been elected four hours and already the country's going to hell.

[The Oval Office, outside. The Chief of Security knocks on the door]

Chief of Security: Mr. Obama? Sir? All right, give me the keys.
Obama: Is there a problem, gentlemen?
Chief of Security: Uh, no. No, sir. Everything okay in there?
Obama: Why wouldn't it be? I'm sorry, but I asked to be left alone?
Chief of Security: Yes, sir, it's, just that your wife is here.
Obama: My wife?
Michelle: Barack, everyone's been looking for you. What on earth are you doing?
Obama: Uh, come on in, darling. Thank, thank you boys.

[The Oval Office, inside. Barack and Michelle are alone now.]

Michelle: Okay, Barack. Tell me what's going on?
Obama: Michelle, there's something I need to tell you.
Michelle: What is it? Barack, what is it?
Obama: The laser system guarding the diamond was replaced by an optical relay three days ago.
Michelle: You gotta be kidding me. So the entire diamond vault is inaccessible. Is McCain online?
McCain: Hi, Michelle.
Michelle: You guys weren't running update checks on the security logs?
McCain: Michelle, we need you to do a different scan hack through the vault relay.
Michelle: On a new system, in an hour? Are you nuts? My job was to pretend to be married to this bozo and get you three scan hacks into a laser system.
Palin: Michelle, it's Sarah. They did replace the laser system, but the new one isn't brand-new. It's an old H7 series. You can break this baby in 30 minutes.
Michelle: Tell Davis to get me a FORTRAN emitter and enough pulse drives to light a spark.
Obama: Did you catch that, Davis?
Davis: I'm on it.

[Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Stan and Kyle finally make it to the emergency entrance.]

Kyle: We made it, Ike. You're going to be okay.
Nurse: There, just take a seat over there.
Kyle: Excuse me, my little brother needs medical attention.
Nurse: Was he an Obama supporter or a McCain supporter?
Stan: Why does that matter?
Nurse: Because then I'll know if he partied too hard or if he tried to kill himself.
Kyle: Ma'am, please, I think my little brother needs immediate help.
Nurse: You don't understand, kid: there's only two doctors on call, and Dr. Wilson is out celebrating in the streets somewhere.
Stan: So where's the other doctor? Hey, come on people. We can keep partying, can't we? Yes we can. Come on, let's sing. Obama. Well, you came and you gave without taking. And I sent you away, Obama. When you kissed me and stopped me from shaking.

[The Smithsonian, Michelle and Obama are at the tunnel's new entry point near the Hope Diamond. Michelle is still breaking the new laser system.]

Michelle: I've almost got it. You're only going to have five minutes. Do you understand?
Obama: Did you really not like pretending to be married?
Michelle: Oh, Jesus. Now is not the time, B.
Obama: Come on. You have to admit we had some fun.
Michelle: My girls need somebody better than a world-class diamond thief. Wait, there. I got it.
Obama: All right, everyone. We're about to go. So here's the revised schedule: 4:40 a.m., the team gathers at the northwest exit of the museum. 4:45 a.m., Michelle hacks the optical relay, allowing me access to the rear doors.
Michelle: Go.
Obama: 4:46, from inside I can open the doors and let in the rest of the crew. 5:10 a.m., at the Department of Power Quincy shuts down the grid, disabling power to the vault room. 5:12, my grandmother who faked her death on Monday calls in a bomb threat to the museum.
Obama's Grandma: I said I put a bomb in your building, bitch.
Obama: 5:13, the guards open the southwest door, checking the museum for any bombs. 5:14, McCain, dressed as a football player, enters security and shuts off the diamond case alarm.
Guard: Hey you. Stop.
Obama: Michelle and I head back into the tunnel and the hole is patched. 5:15 a.m., I walk out of the Oval Office with the diamond securely hidden in my anus.
Obama: All done. Thanks.
All: Boom, baby.
Quincy: There's just one thing: don't you think people are going to be suspicious when you disappear? Go looking for you?
Obama: We hired a guy for that a couple of months ago.
Kyle: What the hell? Ike?
Ike: Boom, baby.

[Washington D.C., day. The heist team members are in the waiting room watching their plane, an Air Tahiti jet, taxi into position.]

Flight Attendant: Here are all the tickets for your group, Mr. Sanchez.
McCain: Thank you very much.
Quincy: Well friends, let us depart.
Obama: Hey uh, you guys go ahead. I just came to say goodbye.
Neely: What?
Obama: I decided to hang it up, maybe give this President thing a shot.
McCain: B, you can't be serious.
Quincy: Besides, you died in a jet in the Rocky Mountains, remember?
Obama: Could have been I didn't make that flight. What do you say, Michelle? Would you and your girls like to move into the White House with me? You know, settle down, just be President and First Lady for a while.
Michelle: You're serious.
Obama: Who knows? Maybe we could change a few things. What do you say?
Michelle: Aw, what the fuck.
McCain: I just love happy endings.

[South Park, the Ark, morning. The garage door goes up and the McCain supporters in the bunker look out into the same scene they'd seen countless times before.]

Steven: It's still here. It's all still here.
Mr. Garrison: Does that mean maybe we overreacted?
Steven: No, no. I wouldn't say that. It's just maybe Obama will be all right.

[The Marsh house, living room. Randy wakes up from a drunken slumber, trash still strewn all over the living room.]

Randy: Uh. Oh, ow. Hey, where are my pants? Where's our TV? Where are my pants and where's my TV?
Stan: Dad, your boss called. He said that you're fired.
Randy: Oh. Uh, God damn it. Obama said things would be different. That son of a bitch lied to us. I knew I should have voted for McCain.