A Summer in Ohio

[CATHY]
I could have a mansion on a hill
I could lease a villa in Seville
But it wouldn't be as nice
As a summer in Ohio
With a gay midget named Karl
Playing Tevye and Porgy

I could wander Paris after dark
Take a carriage ride through Central Park
But it wouldn't be as nice
As a summer in Ohio
Where I'm sharing a room
With a "former" stripper and her snake:
Wayne

I could have a satchel full of dollar bills
Cures for all the nation's ills
Pills to make a lion purr
I could be in line to be the British Queen
Look like I was seventeen
Still I'm certain I'd prefer
To be going slowly batty
Forty miles east of Cincinnati

I could shove an ice pick in my eye
I could eat some fish from last July
But it wouldn't be as awful
As a summer in Ohio
Without cable, hot water
Vietnamese food
Or you

I saw your book at a Borders in Kentucky
Under a sign that said "New and Recommended"
I stole a look at your picture on the inside sleeve
And then I couldn't leave

Richard, who was with me, got uncharacteristically quiet
Then he said, "All things considered
I guess you don't have to buy it"
So I smiled like Mona Lisa and I lay my Visa down!
He wants me, he wants me
But he ain't gonna get me!
I've found my guiding light—
I tell the stars each night
"Look at me! Look at him! Son-of-a-bitch!
I guess I'm doing something right!
I finally got something right!"

No, it's not Nirvana, but it's on the way
I play "Anita" at the matinee
Then I'll get on my knees and pray
I can state in my next bio
I'm never gonna go back to Ohio!

I could chew on tin foil for a spell!
I could get a root canal in hell
But it wouldn't be as swell
As this summer is gonna be!
Cause the torture is just exquisite
While I'm waiting for you to visit
So hurry up, schmuck, get unstuck and get on the scene!
Love
The Midget, the Stripper, Wayne the Snake
And Mrs. Jamie Wellerstein—
That's me!