A Dying Business

[Intro]
Funeral Directors of America
I am very deeply honored standing here
Receiving this token of your esteem
"The Funeral Director of the Year"
Now, I've been asked by all the delegates
And members of the board
To tell you of the funeral
That won me this award
It was handled with taste and dignity
That much I can say for it
And I'm sure it will take the family
Twenty years to pay for it

[Verse 1]
It was a helluva funeral
It was a helluva funeral
The finest funeral ever booked
I had some high school juniors
Who passed around petunias
And lilies everywhere you looked

[Verse 2]
It was a helluva funeral
I say one helluva funeral
Oh, how I wish that you were there
I had ten drum majorettes
Doublin' on the castanets
It really was a lively affair
It really was a lively affair

[Verse 3]
It was a helluva funeral
It was a helluva funeral
The National Guard showed up for me
And during the oration
They went into formation
And formed the letters R-I-P

[Verse 4]
It was a helluva funeral
I say one helluva funeral
I gave it all my love and care
The band was on its toes
Playin' "Mexicali Rose"
It really was a lively affair
It really was a lively affair

[Bridge]
A tisket, a tasket
Tell us about the casket

[Verse 5]
I will tell you about the casket, my good friends
It would make your poor eyes pop
It was sterling silver all around
With a real formica top
Formica top, it had a formica top

[Verse 6]
Well, I'll tell you 'bout the widow, my good friends
The widow was in navy blue
With a gown designed by Balenciaga
I supplied that, too
He sold the widow widow's weeds, too

[Verse 7]
I ran the first funereal raffle
Though I don't much like to boast
And I gave away a Chevrolet
To the person who cried the most
He gave away a brand new Chevrolet (I won it myself)

[Verse 8]
There were eighteen jugglers by the grave
To demonstrate their art
And when they was done
I fired a gun to let the hootenanny start
He fired a gun, and the hootenanny begun

[Verse 9]
I was servin' beer and pretzels
'Til the hot pastrami came
And I sold some souvenir hankies
With the dear departed's name
He was sellin' hankies with the dear departed's name

[Verse 10]
As a fitting finale we had the Rockettes
From New York's Music Hall
As you can see, my very good friends
All in all, all in all, all in all
All in all, all in all, all in all, in all

[Verse 11]
It was a helluva funeral
I say one helluva funeral
No other burial could compare
It was all done up deluxe
And I made forty thousand bucks
It really was a lively affair
It really was a swingin' affair