5:30AM

[Verse]
Ay, I can only hide it for so long
So many moments that I wanna say "so long"
So many missed calls, so many mistakes
So many mishaps, energy misplaced
People I misjudged, heart getting misused
Togetherness misgrew, me caring to miss move
Never saw my value, looking at me as mispriced
Now I'm giving back space, letters I've mistyped
Feel like I've been misled, ain't finding a love for me
But I'm never alone, misery loves company
She really fuck wit me, but she ain't fuckin' me
It's like I'm a sissy by making everyone run from me
And I sit and watch them leave
'Cause I wanna see y'all happy even without me
If it meant I'd starve, I'd see y'all feast
So before y'all peace, I beg to speak my piece, now
Every day there's a word that I question
And it's becoming an absurd obsession
Even when I'm with her, obsessing
'Cause I really hate the word "depression"
'Cause I'll be fine, everything'll be fine
And then I sit and overthink and start seeing the lies
From people that say they love me looking right in my eyes
And now you all annoy me and I'm looking at you like flies
But I'll still give you everything until the day that I die
I'll still give you everything until the day that I die
I'll still give you everything until the day that I die
I'll still give you everything until the day that I die
And that kinda sound perfect right now
But I'm too pussy to do it, so I'm hurting right now
I don't even know how I'm working right now
And I could be smoking but this loud ain't working right now
In a state of being lost, I don't know where my mind at
On a search for stability, but don't know where to find that
Hiding the sorrow with the flies that I smile at
But drowning in it when I'm back where I lie at
And then I vanish, no one's seeming to mind that
Tears dripping with the hits that I hi-hat
A fucking clown that can't handle his emotions
I might as well have had a Kawhi laugh
A fuckin' joke, and I don't fuckin' learn
Not everyone is down for you, shit get evil
Stop giving permanent treatment to temporary people
Not every love is your precious, stop acting like Smeagol
But I give, and I give, and they take
And I give, and I give, and they take
And when there's nothing to benefit from
And they leave, I just sit feeling punched in the face
And there's so much I've been trying to say
And it gets on my nerves like an itch
But I can't, 'cause I gotta act strong for these fans I don't know
'Cause I'll look like a bitch and that's hard
'Cause I feel like I'm starting to break
Looking in the mirror only seeing something I hate
Like, what the fuck happened to me? Why the fuck am I like this?
Why the fuck am I not alright? Why the fuck can't I fight this?
I hate your face, I hate your voice
I hate your place, I hate your poise
I hate your thoughts, the words you pen
I'll be happy if I didn't have to see you again
But I can't help but stand here
Looking deep into my own brown eyes, I just... stand there
Tryin' to fix my relationship with my moms
Got a brother that got me with these scars
'Cause every bit of stress and pain she directed at me was from the shit you caused
You were busy being big, bloody gangsta nigga
But got the nerve to sit in jail and wonder
Why I want nothing to do with you, I grew up to be through with you
I never could've said "I'm 'a get my older brother"
Like, what the fuck is even family?
Holidays coming, no one at the table
Uncle straight saying that my shit gon' fail
And I should go with his corny ass and learn to do cable
Fuck you and fuck that cable
I got it buried in my goddamn brain
That family ain't shit if they don't act it
Our only connection is a last name
And what the fuck is even friendship?
The family you choose? This is due attention
And due to fools, and what they choose to do
I got a couple of fools that led me to reflecting
This one nigga I've known since I was fucking three
My mother fucking bro on God, son
And now we at the point where I don't know if my godson's still my godson
I've been fucked up for a minute now
Didn't admit it, but I admit it now
Didn't have it in me to cut ties
'Cause I love my niggas, but I did it now
Give a fuck about some time spent
Our childhood long gone, nigga
We grew up and I wasn't your boy
Just a nigga you knew you bring along, nigga
And our other homie just had a daughter
And I don't know how attached to get
'Cause this nigga always got me feeling like we aren't close at all, he just hasn't said it
Motherfuckers only call when they need me
They saying shit like, "When you gonna start showing up?"
They never see if I'm dying inside
It makes me so sick I been throwing up
All alone in my room I've been going nuts
Doing streams tryin' to cope with the bullshit
But as soon as the games are all over
It's like I'm right back in the bull pit
I'm done wearing the mask
I'm done wearing the smile
I don't give a fuck if we talk or not
It's not like we have in a while
It's not like it matters to y'all
And I couldn't be madder at y'all
'Cause I got this weird void in my heart from my younger me screaming, "I don't matter to y'all?!"
And I've always tried laughing it off
'Cause we've been through so much, but after it all
I don't know if I'm ever gonna rock with you
Even when I get plaques on the wall
Can't say I got a real good support system
But I guess that's how this shit goes
Niggas down to be all up in the videos
But never wanna pull up to a show
No hands extend
I take care of the seeds every heat and snow
Motherfuckers always wanna reap the benefits
But hate watering the plants to grow
So I just want my mans to know
When I got all this cash to throw
You can keep that same damn energy
And stay your ass at home
We can be cool and all that
But don't think that means
You're doing anything more in person
You can sit and watch from a screen
I got so much fuckin' love to give
And I spread that shit out to ones that don't deserve it
But never have it in me to cease to love y'all
No matter how much that I sit here hurting
Brain always telling me I'm fuckin' up
And I'll never be shit but a mockery
And I can't share these thoughts with a fuckin' soul
'Cause they won't try to make the shit stop for me
This ain't even a cry for help
This shit more like therapy
Keeping everything bottled inside made me my own enemy
I ain't a pill popper and I don't really drink
This the shit that keep me feeling alive
I said "feeling alive," I ain't been feeling alive
Before this, I was damn near feeling I died
Does this make me soft as a man?
This is an L, I'm 'a hold it
Tired of being hopeless
And making shitty people stay the closest
How pathetic am I, that I'm this torn up but can't fuckin' show it?
'Cause I'm worried 'bout how y'all think, and what y'all feel
And all my opportunities blowing
I think I need help, or maybe I just gotta toughen up
Before I really start snapping and end up putting rounds to your bodies like a button-up
Maybe I need a vacation
Or I should just move from the state
Or maybe I should give in to the little me saying I should put a fuckin' gun in my face
I don't know who the fuck to talk to
I don't know who the fuck's a homie
I don't know who really cares or who wants me to open up just to be nosy
I don't know what to turn to
I don't know what'll help me cope
I don't know, I don't fuckin' know if I should even hold on to hope

[Outro]
I don't know no more
I don't know where to go no more
What to say or to show no more, I just really don't know no more
I don't know no more
I don't know where to go no more
What to say or to show no more, I just really don't know no more
I don't know
I don't fuckin' know

[Spoken outro]
I just want everybody to love me back the same way that I love them son. And it feels like everybody that I fucking love is leaving me bruh, and it's too much. It's too much. It's too much. And it's not even like these are crocodile tears. This is REAL, son. This is REAL. This is fucking REAL. And I can't tell y'all. I can't tell y'all everything 'cause I don't wanna look like a fucking bitch. But this is what I be fucking going through, son