100 Things To Remember

I had a crazy uncle that was on his deathbed a long time ago
He said "Boy... there's a hundred things in life
Every man needs to know to survive...
And here's 39 of 'em"

A virgin don't never drive a Z-28
Never bet the ranch on your prostate
If it's got an adam's apple its probably a man
Never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand
She didn't accidently get good in bed
You can't join a church if you're already dead
A work uniform ain't totally nude
Brim and bass ain't seafood

When there's guns in the house one better be yours
Don't be naked next to any fishin' lures
If there's girl scout cookies she's a little too young
If you say I do, be the ugly one
Don't ever let a bald man borrow your comb
Never play strip poker in a nursin' home
Don't blame your pallbearers 'cause they don't show
If your buried in the middle of the super bowl

Let people borrow money they'll leave you alone
Never fry bacon without a shirt on
Never spray water on a hornets nest
A woman rarely aces the drivers test
The sign probably don't really mean massage
Never threaten anybody in camouflage
Say you love her 'til she lays down the butcher knife
Never put the move on the bosses wife

She's messin' round on ya if yer briefs don't fit
Never trust a hitch-hiker to babysit
Cosmo's never in a happy home
You can't cut a deal with a kidney stone
A politician ain't got an HMO
Washin' her hair means she don't wanna go
Don't ridicule a biker bout' his tattoo
You been married nine times... hell maybe its you

Doom ain't the same as Donkey Kong
If he's wearing high heels you mighta raised him wrong
The clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
Don't rent a room from a man named Bates
A tank tops never on a billionaire
Stevie Ray Vaughan missed a note here and there
How many get to heaven no-one knows
But hell will be asses and elbows

And then he died... crazy fool rolled over and died
And never did tell me what them other 61 things were
So if anybody out there knows...
How 'bout gettin' ahold of me at Tim Wilson dot net