10 Toes Down Challenge

[Verse]
I was the perfect adolescence, not content with no connections
Pressin' the wrong direction with pain was my only entrance
My life felt like a death sentence, and this is not a wild excuse
Actin' anti-social was a product of the child abuse
Attackin' what was hopeful was a kind of thought through logical
Neglect was like a [?] to me, suicide so optional
From happiness to thoughts that I'll be dead up in the hospital
It felt like I was fucked like those visions thought were conjugal
But I guess I had to constitute my actions or my common move
But I felt I had no reason, crippled though, that I could do
Now, I'm not a quitter, but it's quicker than impossible
You cannot be a winner when your inner self is stoppin' you
My confidence was shiftin' like the continents of pangea
Padded out, I'm witnessed by my pieces like a band leader
First suicide attempt at eight, hangin' from the ceilin' fan
Obvious that it collapsed, I'm starin' at the ceilin' and
Wishin' I was someone else, wishin' I had better days
Wishin' I could end my life, but wishin' there was better ways
Flash forward to fifteen, second suicide attempt
Standin' at the edge of the platform tryin' to catch my breath
Just tryin' to find the courage to jump on the tracks, but was nervous to–
My heartbeat was so loud that the train came and I never heard it come
My reflection in the passin' window, damn, I look so worthless
Thought about the late train service, but figured I wasn't worthless
So stepped on, felt alone in a crowded cart
My brainstormin' it was reflectin' my clouded heart
Said, "Fuck it", I started fuckin'
Fell in love and started cuffin'
But didn't realize that cuffin' went hand-in-hand with the customs
Grew accustomed to someone by my side, but then I realized that every relationship gets pulled apart by the ties
So, take this broken heart for liftin' this girl up
And had a broken back from fuckin' liftin' this world up
They had on bein' homeless
Said, "Hey, fuck it. This world sucks", same shit
Different toliet that just managed to swirl up
Now, I'm seventeen, just walkin' 'round collectin' my thoughts
Suicide note already written, all that's missin's a corpse
My phone rings, I let it ring, I'm on a mission of course
And any of the stress is goin' to leave till we mission abort
Focus, fuck, Chris focus, you can do this
You're a coward and a pussy, but most of all you are useless
Reach my hand right past the gate and touched the door that says has vultures
Which made sense 'cause you had been deprived of sparks since you were broken
Baby, breathin', chokin' on your blood and teeth
While you were standin' up for sisters and your mother
Gettin' beat and now you're weak
And then you couldn't save nobody, that goes double for yourself
Without your fat-ass mom to feed your mom, could double up her wealth
Now, I'm reachin' even closer, few more inches and I'm dead
Then an image of my nephew probably popped right in my head
Now, I see my will is breakin'
Breakin' sweats, my hand is shakin'
It's people walkin' by, they look right at me then keep pacin'
Mind is racin', I've been patient like, do I deserve this shit?
I prefer the worthlessness, but do I deserve to live?
Now, emotionless, waves of emotions fillin' an ocean
A hopeless is hopin' this shit passes and crashes on shorelines
Feelin' assured lines, like love yourself is a crime
So I should serve my time and live my life for you