The 2009 Dallas Cowboys Were a Bunch of Stoners & Smoked Weed On Gameday

The last time “America’s team” made the playoffs was in 2009, when Wade Phillips was calling the shots and Jason Garret was coordinating the offense. After handedly winning their Wild Card round game against the Eagles, these Cowboys were dismantled by the Minnesota Viking, 34-3.

While it’s brash to blame marijuana for anything, it’s come to our attention that–aside from losing meaningful games in ugly fashion–the 2009 Dallas Cowboys also had a very strong affinity for cannabis. And smoke would smoke it in excess, even on game days. They also all thought Tony Romo peed sitting down.

Here is the full scoop on the 2009 Dallas Cowboys and their nefarious ways, from an email sent out in late 2009:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: [Redacted]
Date: Thu, Dec 31, 2009 at 5:45 PM
Subject: nfl, fratlife
To: [Redacted]

my buddy emailed forwarded this to me…
Ok this is pretty absurd:

my friend [redacted] (who some are familiar with) has an older brother who played football at UVA with John Phillips and Kevin Ogletree, both of whom are currently on the Cowboys roster. So, [redacted[ and his brother were hanging out with these dudes at Pentagon City Mall and then went to the Ritz-Carlton in Pentagon City where the Dallas team was staying the night before the skins game. First off, the team rents about 10 floors of the entire hotel and has it blocked off so they can do whatever. [Redacted] steps off the elevator and is immediately overpowered by the smell of weed. They go into one hotel room, and as they open the door smoke comes billowing out and in steps [redacted] to find about 8 dallas cowboys absolutely crushing blunts to their face and so high. [Redacted] didn’t recognize everyone but was introduced to Miles Austin, Felix Jones, and Patrick Crayton who all have blunts in hand along with the other players. Miles Austin was so high that he could barely function. I’d just like to remind everyone that this is less than 24 hours to kickoff. Apparently this is common practice in the NFL because the league doesnt test for street drugs during the season and players cant really go out, so they get retardedly high instead. Here are some other musings from the Dallas players themselves about life in the NFL, courtesy of [Redacted]:

1) If a NFL player looks like he smokes weed (can you say Marshawn Lynch?) it means that he does.

2) A lot of NFL players smoke weed the day of or night before games

3) The entire Dallas team and the NFL rips on Tony Romo so hard because, surprise surprise, they all think hes a fag.

4) Everyone thinks Terrell Owens is a cancer to every team hes on (I thought he was your boy Steve?)

5) Wade Phillips is psycho off the field, and apparently does his mangino routine on players; Miles Austin recalls being told by Phillips, “you fucking dumb black rookie, I hope you learned something at Monmouth cause they sure as fuck didn’t teach you anything about football.”

6) NFL players get disturbing amounts of ass, [redacted] said the hotel was literally crawling with hoochie mamas and that the hotel seemed like one giant rap video.

7) (Some) assistant coaches smoke and party with players, and the players get away with smoking before the game cause the assistants turn a blind eye while Wade Phillips is in his room tending to his pussy hump.

Gotta love the NFL.

Go Gmen

_________

So naturally, on the next day, the Cowboys shut the Redskins out 17-0 in their Week 16 matchup, proving that a) athletes can smoke freakish amounts of weed without any negative affect and b) the Redskins probably got even better weed, courtesy of Clinton Portis. For reference, the only three remaining Dallas Cowboys from the 2009 roster are Demarcus Ware, Tony Romo, Miles Austin. And Head Coach Jason Garret.

Now, athletes smoking pot isn’t a big deal. But, unfortunately, in Roger Goodell’s NFL, smoking the reefer results in a 4-game suspension (see: LaVon Brazill and Von Miller) and is a more condemned substance than amphetamines. After taking a beating on the gridiron, this should not be a punishable offense (in fact, it should be encouraged). And it’s a rule that players and teams clearly ignore for the obvious reasons: it’s the most natural and safest form of medicine for these players.

Likewise, these Cowboys were doing anything wrong unless they chose Indicas over Sativas on game day. That’s one explanation as to why the ‘Boys haven’t made it past the Wild Card round since 1996. Or maybe they just need to follow the Nate Newton-Bad Boy model and switch over to blow?