Columbus (The Nina, The Pinta, The Santa Maria) [demo]

[BENITO]
This is a mutiny!

[COLUMBUS]
A what?

[BENITO]
A mutiny!
A nautical rebellion
A wash-out that is tidal
Where you give way without delay
Unless you're suicidal

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Columbus:

[COLUMBUS]
But why, by all the saints?
What are your complaints?

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Benito:

[BENITO]
We offer for your mental scrutiny
The reasons for the mutiny

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Sailors:

[BENITO]
Your believing that the world is round
Is a belief that we believe unsound
Our feet are on the ground
And so far we have found
The world is flat!
Like that!

[BENITO & SAILORS]
Like that! Like that! Like that!

[BENITO]
You believe that we believe you know
Thеre is a land to land on where wе go
There's no land westward ho
But you believe it so
We believe that you should be below
Below, below

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Cook:

[COOK]
On me the men are venting all their passions
They're tired of eating biscuit and K-rations

[BENITO]
Yes, Commodore, their stomachs are in an ugly mood
On top of getting nowhere, they're fed up on the food

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Sailors:

[SAILORS]
On top of getting nowhere we are fed up on the food

[BENITO & SAILORS]
Night and day we brood

[BENITO]
Fed up on the food

Every night we are in tears
When we think of macaroni
And it seems like forty years
Since we tasted minestrone
Long to drink again the vino
With the wife and bambino
So we're going to force
You to change the course
And we sail the foam
Back home!

[BENITO & SAILORS]
If I'm in tears (Every night we are in tears)
It seems like years (When we think of macaroni)
Since I have known the art (And it seems like forty years)
Of eating a la carte (Since we've tasted minestrone)
I miss my bambino (Oh, to drink again the vino)
My vino, o sole mio (With the wife and the bambino)
And the sextet from Lucia

[SAILORS]
So we're going to force
You to change the course
And we sail the foam
Back home!

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Bravo, bis, encore. Bravissimo!
Columbus:

[COLUMBUS, spoken]
I'll bravissimo you!
You, you fools!
You sons of sea dogs!
You bilge-watery barnacles!
Have you no honor?
Is nothing sacred to you?

(sung)
Have you no loyalty to royalty?

[SAILORS]
Loyalty to royalty?
What do you mean?

[COLUMBUS]
I mean the Queen
The lovely Isabella

[SAILORS]
Isabella!
What about Queen Isabella?

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Columbus:

[COLUMBUS]
Don't you know that sailing west meant
A terrifically expensive investment?
And who do you suppose supplied the means
But Isabella, queen of queens?

[SAILORS]
The queen of queens supplied the means

[COLUMBUS]
Isabella volunteering
Hocked her every bracelet and earring
And if this journey adjourns
We return with no returns
Isabella, queen of queens
Will be without any means
Isabella will be flat
Like that!

[SAILORS]
Like that!

[COLUMBUS & SAILORS]
Like that!

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Sailors:

[SAILORS]
Who'd have thought that sailing west meant
A terrifically expensive investment?

[COLUMBUS]
And who do you suppose
Supplied the means
But Isabella
Queen of queens?

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Benito:

[BENITO, spoken]
Enough! Enough!
Have you forgotten your vino?
Your wife and bambino?
Your sole mio?

(sung)
And the sextet from Lucia

[SAILORS]
Right!

[BENITO]
Are we mice or men?
Lock him up and then
We can sail the foam
Back home!

[SAILORS]
That is good advice
Are we men or mice?
Let us have no more
Of the commodore
And we sail the foam
Back home

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Sailors advance on Columbus.

[BENITO]
Your believing that the world is round
Is a belief that we believe unsound
And so we're sailing east
And you are full of yeast
The world is flat

[COLUMBUS]
It's round!

[BENITO]
It's flat!

[COLUMBUS]
It's round!

[BENITO]
Flat!

[COLUMBUS]
Round!

[BENITO]
Flat!

[COLUMBUS]
Round!

[BENITO]
Flat!

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Bill jumps up.

[BILL, spoken]
Stop! What do you think you're doing? Stop! Stop!

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Benito:

[BENITO]
Why should we stop?
What's eating you, you crackpot?
When we're about to cash in on the jackpot?

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Bill:

[BILL]
When all the world is vocal
This is my point of view:
I'd feel just like a yokel
If I didn't sing along, too

[SAILORS]
What is there to do
But hear the fellow through?

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Bill:

[BILL]
This trouble you're brewing
You should be undoing
You fellows don't get the idea
The future you're failing
If you don't keep sailing
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria

You're just being dumb to
Not know that you'll come to
A land that's the world's panacea
No laurels you'll rest on
If you don't keep west on
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Sailors:

[SAILORS]
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria
Let's not argue with him
We like the waltz rhythm
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Bill:

[BILL]
What traffic terrific
From Maine to Pacific
What hustle and bustle you'll see-ah
What rivers, what valleys
If nobody dallies
On Nina and Pinta and Santa Maria

The girls are delightful
Their sweaters are quite full
So he's barking up the wrong tree-ah
What pictures you'll pin up
If you keep your chin up
On Nina and Pinta and Santa Maria

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Sailors:

[SAILORS]
If we keep our chin up
What pictures we'll pin up
On Nina and Pinta and Santa Maria
(spoken)
More, more! Encore!

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Bill:

[BILL]
There'll be forty-eight states and a hundred and thirty-five million residents
And George Washington will be the first of many presidents
There'll be cities like Chicago, New York, New Haven, and Hartford
And Minneapolis
Not to mention Hollywood, the global Cinema—matrapolis
And when this land brings heaven here on earth below
Of glorious times they'll be no dearth below
Eastern Standard, Rocky Mountain, Daylight Saving, and Pacific Coast Times
But when you hear the sound of the signal
You will know what time it is, at least, most times
And, oh, my hearties
What fun and what parties:
The Democratic Party and the G.O.P
The Prohibition Party and the Boston Tea

What a wonderful land in which to be living
Where you celebrate the Fourth of July, St. Patrick's Day, and Thanksgiving
And if you want an extra day off
What you're doing to Columbus is away off
For the man you want to betray
Can give you not only Columbus Circle and Columbus, Ohio
But also Columbus Day
So think twice, my friends, before you doubt Columbus
Just imagine what happens to posterity without Columbus:
No New York for Fiorello
No Abbott for Costello

No Automat nickels
No Heinz and his pickles
No land of the brave and the free-ah
Just think what you're losing
If west you're not cruising
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria

No Radio City
And who'll feed the kitty
At Belmont Park and Hialeah?
But you'll be unveiling
A new world by sailing
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Sailors:

[SAILORS]
You've certainly sold us
On all you have told us
It's more than romantic
Across the Atlantic
The New World we're failing
If we don't keep sailing
The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria!

(spoken)
Three cheers for Columbusland. Hip, hip!

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Bill:

[BILL, spoken]
Wait a minute, fellas. Not Columbusland. The name is America.

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Columbus:

[COLUMBUS, spoken]
America? America?
You mean it will be named after that second-rate explorer
Amerigo Vespucci?
Forget the whole thing
This is too much
I want no part of it
We've been tricked! Tricked!

(sung)
My discovery
Won't be named for me
So we sail the foam
Back home

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Benito rushes up and kisses Columbus on both cheeks. Sailors advancing on Bill.

[SAILORS]
Your believing that the world is round
Is a belief that we believe unsound
And you are full of yeast

[GERSHWIN, spoken]
Columbus:

[COLUMBUS]
And I am sailing east
To me the world is flat

[BILL, spoken]
It's round!

[COLUMBUS, sopken]
It's flat!

[BILL, spoken]
It's round!

[COLUMBUS, spoken]
Flat!
Flat!

[NAVIGATOR]
Land ho! Land ho!