I Don’t Have A Dick

[Intro]
(Uh, ok, uh, everybody welcome to the stage our next performer, Mr. Captain Ahab!)

I am alive. I am a Man. I am the oldest man alive. I have been alive forever
I sit atop My mountain stronghold and I look down at the other men at My feet and I laugh. I laugh at you. You, the Lesser Men, you whose lives flicker by Me like a cloud of gnats. You are born and you die as I open and close My eyes to blink
I watched as My slaves built for Me the Pyramids. I spoke the
Words as they were carved onto the Rosetta stone. I watched as Rome burned, as Pompeii was crushed and as the Twin Towers fell
I have always been. And I will always be. You may see Me, though you will not know Me. You may see Me at the club, you may see Me on the street, you will be dazzled by My golden chains, by My spinning wheels, by My shining clothes...

I have the biggest hat in the world
It's got a million diamonds hanging from its brim
It's been dyed the color that no painter has ever been able to mix, And it could shade all the starving children of the world at the same time
I live in the biggest house in the world
It's the size of a hundred cities
I can sleep in a different room each night
And my bedspread is woven from the hairs of Queens

[Verse 1]
I drive the fastest car in the world
Its seats are made from human skin
Its lights are brighter than a billion suns
And its windshield is made out of diamonds and dreams
And oh yeah, I make the loudest beats in the world
When my kick drum booms, cities crumble and fall
So if you hear my music pumping
You're gonna get fucked up

[Pre-Chorus]
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick

[Chorus]
(I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have-)

[Verse 2]
I get the finest ass in the world
That gets lined up just to smell my sweat
I can fuck a hundred people at once
'Cause I can make you come with my eyes
I have the biggest gun in the world
It can shoot a hole right through the Sun
It's like a million atom bombs in my hand
And I can shoot you in the head just for fun

[Pre-Chorus]
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick

[Chorus]
(I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have a dick I don't have-)

[Bridge]
This song is not a metaphor. I do not mean this symbolically. I literally don't have a dick. This is my actual physical condition. I am missing the biological male reproductive organ
I do not have a vagina in its place; I am now and has always been male. I did not once have a dick and lose it by my choice or otherwise, nor will I ever have one
I am not feminized by this lack. Do not take this to mean that I lack for phallos in the psychoanalytic sense, I am not powerless, I am not sterile
It is not from overcompensation from my dicklessness that I have achieved authority and omnipotense. I am not great and powerful because I don't have a dick, I am great and powerful and I don't have a dick
This does not make me anti-dick. I am not suggesting the removal of dicks and I do not advocate castration. This is merely an explanation of a coincidental fact. For Me, posessing or not posessing a dick affects absolutely nothing
I am simply revealing to you, the Listener, through song, my actual biological state. So, now that We understand each other, sing with Me the Four Tenets of Our new Civilization:
Power!
Honor!
Ambition!
Future!
Power! (No dick!)
Honor! (No dick)
Ambition! (No dick!)
Future! (No dick!)

[Outro]
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick
I don't have a dick dick dick
I don't have a dick dick dick
I don't have a dick dick dick
I don't have a di-i-ick
I don't have a di-i-ick
I don't have a di-i-ick
I don't have a di-i-ick
I don't have a di-i-ick