Conquest of Cuteness (Script)

TITLE SEQUENCE

CUT TO: INT. TREEHOUSE, DAY

Jake is cooking eggs on the stove, with other ingredients nearby. He begins beatboxing, and Finn enters the room, dancing to the beat and scat singing along.

FINN AND JAKE: Yeah!

FINN: What's for B-fast, Jake?

JAKE: Everything burrito!

Jake tosses the pan and egg into a massive nearby pile of food. Both of them run over. Finn gasps. Jake rolls up the entire pile, pans and all, into a massive burrito.

JAKE: I love you, everything burrito.

Jake kisses the burrito. Suddenly, there’s a loud noise and the entire house shakes. Finn and Jake go downstairs to investigate. There’s knocking at the door.

JAKE: Oh, man. I think someone wants to eat everything burrito! I won't let 'em get ya, baby!

Jake kisses the burrito again.

FINN: Jake, come on! Get ready!

The pair positions themselves on either side of the door. Jake sets the burrito down.

JAKE: Ready!

The pair leap out the door.

FINN AND JAKE: Yah!

They fall in the grass and discover a diverse group of small round creatures.

CUTE KING: Peep!

JAKE: So cute!

FINN: Look at their little faces! Haha!

JAKE: Haha!

CUTE KING: We're not cute! We're evil, and we're here to dominate you!

The Cute King approaches them.

FINN: Get the camera, Jake!

JAKE: I can't! I'm paralyzed by the cuteness!

FINN AND JAKE: BMO! BMO! BMO! BMO!

BMO arrives and shoves them both to the side.

BMO: What? What? What? What?

FINN AND JAKE: BMO! Get the camera!

BMO: BMO is camera!

BMO takes a number of pictures of Finn and Jake posing with the Cuties. The Cute King becomes severely agitated.

CUTE KING: Enough! Now... bow down to me, Cute King, and my legion of Cuties!

Finn, Jake, and BMO completely ignore the Cute King. BMO prints out another photo.

FINN: Great shot, BMO!

CUTE KING: Since you won't take us seriously, we will kill you. Until then, enjoy your burrito, Jake.

JAKE: Huh?

Cute King chuckles and the Cuties all back away. Inside the treehouse, Jake sees his burrito and yells. Finn and BMO come over.

JAKE: My burrito!

FINN: It's perfectly fine.

JAKE: No, Finn... They probably poisoned it!

FINN: Naw.

JAKE: They knew my name. They knew about the burrito.

FINN: Man, you're letting your brain dial turn your fear volume up. You'll see. Those Cuties are nothing but an afternoon's delight.

CUT TO: INT. TREEHOUSE, NIGHT

Finn looks out of a window and sees Jake burying the burrito in a grave marked, “MY BURRITO.” Finn walks away from the window and yawns, climbing into bed. After a moment he pulls back the covers.

FINN: Jake? What're you doing in my bed?

JAKE: Oh, nothing much. You know, just... chillin'.

FINN: Wait a second... Are you still messed up about those little guys?

JAKE: A little.

FINN: Look, man, what do you say tomorrow morning we go track those little guys down and find out just what their deal is? Sound good, buddy?

JAKE: Yeah. Thanks, buddy.

The pair get comfortable in bed.

JAKE: Man, you sound just like Mom sometimes.

FINN: Yeah. Good ol' Mom.

JAKE: She always knew just what to say.

FINN: Yeah. Goodnight, brudda.

JAKE: Goodnight.

The scene fades to black. Some time later, Jake wakes Finn up.

JAKE: Finn! Finn! Finn, wake up, man!

Finn opens his eyes.

FINN: What? Huh?

JAKE: I think someone's in the house.

Finn groans and lights a candle.

JAKE: For real, man! Shh, listen.

They pause for a few moments and hear nothing.

FINN: Uh…

JAKE: I swear, man! I really heard something.

Quiet footsteps are heard. Jake gasps.

JAKE: Finn!

FINN: I heard. Okay. Who's out there?

Finn passes the candle over the room and spots some Cuties taking a sword. Upon being spotted, they drop the sword and scamper off.

JAKE: What the- That's my sword!

Jake runs over and grabs his sword.

JAKE: What do they want with my sword, man?

Before Finn can say anything, there’s a loud crash from elsewhere in the treehouse.

JAKE: It came from downstairs.

FINN: Alright. That's it.

Finn puts down the candle and begins walking downstairs.

JAKE: Where are you going?

FINN: I'm gonna go man-handle those guys's banandles!

Finn descends downstairs.

JAKE: ...What?

Jake follows. Downstairs, Finn has lit another candle near a broken window.

FINN: Well, they broke a window, but I don't see any of 'em.

He picks up a glass shard.

FINN: I guess they left.

He throws the glass shard back down.

JAKE: Oh, no. Oh, oh, no!

He runs out of frame.

FINN: Jake, what is it?

Cut to Jake. He drops his sword. He’s looking at a red tangled mass in the back of the room, obscured by darkness.

JAKE: Aw, no! It's a dead goat, man! Its guts are all over the place! It's all chopped up and spread around and…

He walks closer to the mass and investigates.

JAKE: ...ah, no, wait, it's just a blanket. I think I left it here this morning.

A voice begins emanating from a nearby shelf.

VOICE: Jake... Finn... This is the voice of your mom... I've come back to tell you how dumb you always are…

The shot changes to reveal the voice is a two-headed Cutie. It’s hiding behind a mug and speaking in a spooky manner.

CUTIE’S LOWER HEAD: I hate you guys so much…

Finn’s angry face pops into view as he discovers the Cutie. He goes to grab it, but it jumps away and begins running across the room.

FINN: Get 'im, Jake!

The Cutie pauses in front of Jake.

JAKE: Ah! Ah!

The Cutie hisses at Jake, who cowers in fear. It continues its escape in another part of the room. Finn chases after it and manages to grab its leg just as it leaps into a crevice in the treehouse. He struggles to keep a hold on it as it tries to wriggle free.

FINN: Jake, I got 'im! He's freakin' out, man! What do I do?

JAKE: Shake him!

FINN: What?

JAKE: Shake him around 'til he stops!

FINN: Okay.

Finn begins violently shaking the Cutie. The Cutie is shown to be out of breath and stops struggling.

FINN: They stopped.

JAKE: Okay. Now tell 'em not to talk about our mom!

FINN: How do you even know our mom?

CUTIE’S UPPER HEAD: We've been watching you.

CUTIE’S LOWER HEAD: Learning your weaknesses.

FINN: What? Why?

CUTIE’S UPPER HEAD: For tomorrow morning.

CUTIE’S LOWER HEAD: When our army comes and kills you both.

CUTIE’S UPPER HEAD: You think we're so cute, when actually, we're the opposite of that!

The upper head bites Finn’s hand.

FINN: Woah!

Finn’s grip on the Cutie loosens.

JAKE: Hold him!

Finn tries to pull the Cutie out of the crevice, but instead rips its arm off and falls backwards. The Cutie chuckles and absconds. Finn sits dazed for a moment before looking at the Cutie arm still in his grasp.

FINN: Oh, gross.

He throws the arm away.

JAKE: Well? Do you believe me now, Finn?

FINN: I... I don't know what to believe anymore.

JAKE: Well, that's close enough. Let's start settin' up some barricades!

CUT TO: INT. TREEHOUSE, MORNING

Cut to the lower level of the treehouse the following morning. Finn and Jake, armed with a crossbow and sword respectively, sit behind a large barricade composed of various pieces of their furniture. Finn has dozed off and Jake looks tired. A horn in the distance causes them both to jump, drop their weapons, and head for a window. Outside, they see hundreds of Cuties charging the treehouse.

JAKE: There's gotta be a thousand of 'em!

FINN: Wait. Jake, look.

The Cuties charge begins to falter. Shots show some of them tangled in their own weapons, some literally falling apart as they run or accidentally hit each other, some tripping over themselves or eaten by local wildlife, and some simply exploding spontaneously. The last Cuties collapse feet from the door, none of them having made the full charge to the treehouse.

JAKE: These guys aren't a threat to anyone.

FINN: These guys are a threat to themselves.

They watch as a Cutie moans and rolls over, hitting another fallen nearby Cutie. Finn and Jake both wince.

FINN: Oh, hey, it's what's-his-face!

Finn looks out and sees the Cute King surveying his troops.

CUTE KING: No... My men! Quickly, men! Pick yourselves up before the enemy sees!

Finn and Jake exchange a look.

CUTE KING: Come on, now. That's it. Easy does it.

The Cute King helps his troops leave the battlefield. Finn and Jake quietly follow them. They spy on the Cute King as he gives a speech to his people nearby.

CUTE KING: Bravest warriors! I ask you: Must we have our butts handed to us by everyone we meet?

As he orates, shots of the crowd of Cuties shows their pathetic state. Most are heavily bandaged, and many are missing limbs.

CUTE KING: How will we ever splash around in the brains of our enemies if you guys can't take two steps without exploding? Bliblob, I'm lookin' at you!

Bliblob explodes.

CUTE KING: Can I please just get one victory? Once!

The Cuties begin to cry.

CUTE KING: Now don't start that. Don't you do it!

The Cuties all burst into tears. After a moment of trying to restrain himself, the King, too, bursts into tears. The camera pans back to Finn and Jake mere inches away from the gathering.

JAKE: Wanna just smash 'em all?

FINN: What? No, man, look. These guys aren't gonna quit until they win or die, ...and they're not gonna win, so what if we let 'em win, just this once?

JAKE: What? And mess up my stats!

FINN: No. We'd be winning by helping them to win. That's a win! And then they'll be happy and leave us alone.

JAKE: Alright.

FINN: Yes! Now, let's rally an army so we can look intimidating.

JAKE: Who're we gonna call?

FINN: All of our friends.

CUT TO: EXT. FIELD, DAY

Finn addresses their makeshift army in the fields surrounding the treehouse. In addition to Fin and Jake, their army includes BMO, Cinnamon Bun, Lumpy Space Princess, and a duck.

FINN: My army of friends! Today, we will lose this battle, but we will also win it!

They all cheer.

FINN: When the enemy charges, crumble like a cookie. When you feel their puny punches, fade like a flower, and writhe in your own blood!

BMO: But, but... how are we to bleed if none of this is real?

FINN: With faith, m'lady... and ketchup!

He pulls a bottle of ketchup from his backpack. They all cheer again.

JAKE: Ketchup is delicious and deceiving!

FINN: And hey, guys... Let's keep the acting subtle. Less is more.

LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS: No way. First, I'm gonna fall in love with one of those little guys, and then I'm gonna fall out of love, and then, I'm gonna totally fake-die of a fake heart attack! "Oh, my heart! My heart hurts because I fell out of love! And now I have to die! Ohh!"

A bugle sounds in the distance and the Cutie army begins pouring over a nearby hill.

FINN: Get ready, y'all. Together, we fall!

Cinnamon Bun face plants in the grass.

LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS: Not yet, Cinnamon Bun!

A number of Cuties form into a single large suit, with the Cute King acting as the head.

CUTE KING: Yah!

FINN, JAKE, BMO, AND LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS: Whoa.

As the Cuties approach, the suit is shown to still only come up to Finn’s waist. They lightly tap Finn in the knee a few times.

FINN: Oh, no! My blood!

Finn sprays himself in the face with ketchup. The Cute King exits the suit and punches Finn in the chest. Finn sprays his allies with the ketchup as the battle rages on. Lumpy Space Princess holds a Cutie.

LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS: One last kiss before dying, my love.

She kisses the Cutie and throws it to the ground.

LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS: Farewell forever. Oh, oh, my heart! Wah!

Lumpy Space Princess collapses and feigns dead. Cut to Jake, who is sitting in a pile of ketchup being assaulted by the Cute King and two other cuties. BMO lays defeated nearby.

JAKE: I'm dead.

He plays dead.

CUTE KING: Victory... is... ours!

The Cuties all cheer.

CUTE KING: Finally. I can do the victory dance!

The Cute King begins scat singing and dances around on Jake’s belly. Jake tries and fails to contain his laughter, bursting out into a guffaw that sends the Cute King flying.

JAKE: Ah, I'm sorry, everybody! Ah, I couldn't keep it in! Hahahaha!

The Cute King samples some of the ketchup in the grass.

CUTE KING: No... This is ketchup?

Jake tastes some of the ketchup on his fur. The rest of the group has gotten up and is no longer feigning death.

JAKE: Tastes better than blood. Or does it? Hey, Finn, you think blood tastes better than ketchup?

FINN: Jake. Look.

Finn points to the Cute King, who is sadly walking away.

JAKE: Aw, nuts.

FINN: Cute King, wait up!

Finn and Jake approach the Cute King. Jake shrinks to the Cute King’s size.

JAKE: We wanna apologize for being fakers.

FINN: We did it to protect you from yourselves.

CUTE KING: It doesn't matter now. No one will ever fear our strength.

FINN: But strength isn't your strength. Adorable cuteness is!

CUTE KING: Can I use it to control others?

FINN: Um... yeah, sure! Just be righteous about it.

CUTE KING: Show me where to start.

CUT TO: EXT. ICE KINGDOM, NIGHT

Cut to an establishing shot of the Ice Kingdom. Ice King and Gunter lay on the floor. Ice King blows some raspberries and drums on his chest. After a few moments, there’s a knock on his door.

ICE KING: Huh? Who could that be?

Ice King opens his door and finds the Cute King.

CUTE KING: I command you to make me a sandwich!

ICE KING: What? No one commands the Ice King to make no sandwich!

The Cute King makes a cute pose.

CUTE KING: What about now?

Ice King gasps and then laughs, bending down to Cute King’s level.

ICE KING: Okay.

Ice King picks up Cute King. They both laugh as a camera flashes and clicks.

END CREDITS