Terrance & Phillip In “Not Without My Anus”

Announcer 1: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage ...will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.

[A party horn blows]
APRIL FOOLS
[Theme music plays]

Announcer 2: Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars [Terrance and Phillip appear in turn], Terrance and Phillip in HBC's Movie of the Week, [the title comes into view and a heavy bass thump is heard] Not Without My Anus! Based on a true story.

[Canadian Courthouse, 10:18 A.M.]
[dramatic music plays as the camera zooms in on the courthouse]

Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer. [demonstrates it] That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance! [Suspenseful notes play. Terrance farts and both he and Phillip laugh about it]

Phillip: Oh, Terrance! You farted in court!

Terrance; Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense. [they laugh again]

Scott: [approaching displays] All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt [a hole is seen on the left shoulder of Terrance's shirt. He quickly puts his right hand over it and looks around nervously], a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called, "Time to kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer"[Dr. O'Dwyer, Time to have your head smashed in, with my new hammer], [Terrance is aghast at the mountain of evidence against him] Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God! Zhay accuse, Terrance!

Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?

Phillip: Yes, please.

Terrance: [farts and has the jury laughing] That's called a monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys!

Phillip: The monkey claw is smelly.

Judge: [gavels twice] Come on. Get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here.

Phillip: My sentiments exactly, Your Honor. I see from your actions that you're Southern Canadian.

Judge: That is correct.

Phillip: Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man. [farts]

Terrance: Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument!

Phillip: I have, haven't I, Terrance? [farts again, the jurors and Terrance laugh]

Scott: Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court! They think that farts are funny, but they're not! [thumps the table]

Judge: [gavels] Sustained.

Phillip: Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is no more a murderer that you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this? [shows a picture of Terrance feeding a llama. The jury is silent] Of course not. So in summation, find Terrance innocent. Or else he'll kill you. [the jury gasps softly. Terrance and Phillip laugh] Just kidding. [Terrance is laughing so hard he thumps the table twice] The defense rests! [returns to this table, farting on Scott on the way over. The jurors and audience laugh]

Scott: Goddangit. That isn't funny!

Judge: Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell outta here?!

Madame Foreperson: We have, your honor. We have found Terrance, in the above entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer- [farts, then laughts. Phillip joins in]

Judge: You're gonna have to repeat that verdict, because we have some flatulence issues.

Madame Foreperson: I said, we find- [Terrance farts] We find Terrance- [Terrance and Phillip fart] Not guilty!

Phillip: Did you hear that, Terrance? You're not guilty!

Terrance: Oh, Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber. [They look at each other for a moment, then laugh]

[Outside the courthouse. Terrance and Phillip descend the steps, which are lined with news crews ready to interrogate anyone who wants to talk]

Terrance: That sure was fun, Phillip. Let's go home and eat Kroff Dinner.

Phillip: Hear hear!

Scott: [coming over] Well, looks like you got away with it, Terrance and Phillip!

Phillip: Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right, old pal?

Scott: There are hard feelings! This isn't over! I'm going to see to it that you both pay for what you've done! And do you know why??

Phillip: 'Cause you're a dick?

Scott: No! Because I hate you! You think farting is sooo funny! Well it isn't!! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy! And if I- [Phillip farts; he and Terrance laugh] Ugh! I hate you both! I've hated you ever since I could remember! I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer! [the laughter stops quick]

Phillip: Cancer??

Scott: Yes! In the head!

Terrance: Head cancer??

Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip. You'll rue this day! [leaves]

Terrance: Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip.

Phillip: Yes. Perhaps he's homophobic.

Terrance: [wondering, then] But we're not gay, Phillip.

Phillip: We're not? [the news crews leave]

Terrance: Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kroff Dinner!

Phillip: Yes. It's been a long day, and only Kroff Dinner can calm my nerves.

[On the subway, Terrance and Phillip are alone. Phillip farts, and they both laugh]

Terrance: Say, Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week.

Phillip: He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he'll try to do next.

Terrance: God only knows.

Phillip: The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.

Terrance: It sure is. Let's look for treasure.

Phillip: Yes. Let's look for treasure.
[This is a luxurious subway. There are compartments between the seats into which one may put belongings and such. Terrance opens the compartment to his left, and Phillip the one to his right. Phillip then opens the one to his left and they both look in]

[Scott's house, 11:57 A.M.]

[The phone rings and Scott answers]
Scott: Hello?

Voice: Hello, is this Scott, from Canada?

Scott: Yess, yes it is.

Voice: You're in television, right?

Scott: Yes. I'm a television critic for a magazine.

Voice: I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip. [the voice is in a dark room, seated in a high-backed chair, turned away from the camera]

Scott: Yes! Yes I do! They think that fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy! But they're not!

Voice: Well, what about I help you get rid of them once and for all?

Scott: Who is this?

Voice: Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you, if you help me. [the chair swivels 'round and a familiar face appears...] Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.

Scott: [surprized] Saddam Hussein?! The iraqi dictator?

Saddam: [A republican guard stands at either side of him] Eeeeeeeeyy, relax guy! I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest!

Scott: What do you want?

Saddam: You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada, I want you to bring me and my friends into Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super! Let's get started.

Scott: I'm not sure I should trust you.

Saddam: Eeeeeeeyy, relax guy! Trust me! [grins. Scott looks uncertain]

[Terrance and Phillip reach home]

Terrance: Well. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip. [someone approaches]

Phillip: Oh. Hello, Ugly Bob.

Ugly Bob: Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.

Terrance: My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.

Ugly Bob: How can you guys say stuff like that?

Terrance: Because you're God-damned ugly, Bob.

Ugly Bob: I know, but-

Phillip: Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.

Ugly Bob. I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what's on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside.

Terrance: No it isn't. [they laugh] Wanna see what's on the inside of me? [farts. They laugh about it. Bob is unfazed]

Phillip: Wait wait. I've got an idea. Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?

Terrance: Yes. [Phillip slips the bag over Bob's head] If people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.

Ugly Bob: Really? Hey, thanks, you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks.

Terrance: Sure you can, Ugly Bob. If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you.

Ugly Bob: Thanks, you guys. [They part ways]

[Terrance and Phillip's house, 12:20 P.M.]

Phillip: Hello Barky. Hello Purry.

Barky: Bark, bark.

Purry: Purr, purr.

Phillip: Say Terrance, I was just about to make some Kroff Dinner. Would you like some?

Terrance: You know I never turn down Kroff Dinner, Phillip. [farts. He and the animals laugh] I'm going to put on a pirate costume. [goes to his room. The door bell rings. Phillip opens the door]

Delivery Man: Special delivery for Terrance! [he smokes a pipe. The delivery is a letter]

Phillip: I'll take that.

Delivery Man: Sign heurh, and heurh, and heurh, and heurh, and heurh. [signs all the forms] And heurh. [signs the last one]

Phillip: Ooh, Terrance. [the delivery man leaves] You got a letter.

Terrance: [in costume now] Shiver me timbers, Phillip! At this rate I'll never get to my Kroff Dinner! [reads the letter] Oh my God!

Phillip: What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?

Terrance: No? It's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran.

Phillip: Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally?! God, why?! Say, Terrance, who's Sally?

Terrance: My daughter.

Phillip: I never knew you had a daughter, Terrance.

Terrance: Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearty?

Phillip: Nno, you never did, Terrance.

Terrance: Oh. Well. It all began fifteen years ago.

[44 hours later]

Phillip: My God, what a fascinating story, Terrance. Especially the part about Celine Dion.

Terrance: Yes, indeed. [takes off the hat] But now my little darling is being held captive in Iran. [takes off the eye patch] And I will have to go and find her.

Phillip: Then I'll go with you, Terrance.

Terrance: You're such a good friend, Phillip.

Phillip: Well, you know what they say: A friend in need is a friend with Kroff Dinner.

Terrance: Avast there, mateys!

[Celine Dion's house, 1:15 P.M.]

[Terrance arrives and rings the doorbell]
Terrance: Hello, Celine Dion.

Celine Dion: Terrance! This is quite a surprise!
Terrance: You're looking well.

Celine Dion: And you.

Terrance: Celine, where is our daughter, Sally?

Celine Dion: She's in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?

Terrance: Wrong! She's been taken hostage, and is now being held prisoner.

Celine Dion: What?!

Terrance: Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.

Celine Dion: [gasps] Oh, Terrance. What happened to us?

Terrance: We just grew apart, Celine Dion. [he turns to leave]

Celine Dion: Please, bring our daughter home safe, Terrance. [he farts and they both laugh]

[CANADIAN AIRPORT, 11:05 A.M.]

[Terrance and Phillip are there to purchase tickets to Iran]
Phillip: Hello, Ugly Bob.

Ugly Bob: Hi, guys.

Terrance: How's the paper bag working out?

Ugly Bob: People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.

Terrance: Terrific! We need two tickets for Tehran, please.

Ugly Bob: Tehran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there!

Phillip: Dammit man! [bangs on the counter] Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daugher!! [Terrance laughs nervousely]

Ugly Bob: All right, then. There's a flight leaving today.

Phillip: Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.

Terrance: In-deed, Phillip.

Phillip: Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kroff Dinner.

Terrance: Same here, Phillip!

O Ca-nada, our home and native land.

Terrance and Phillip: True patriot love in all thy sons' command.

Small Group: [Terrance, Phillip, Ugly Bob, and two others] With glowing hearts we see thee rise

Middling Group: [four more…] the True North, strong and free.

Larger Group: [the folks at the kiosk join in] From far and wide, Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee!

Crowd: God keep our land glorious and free.

Scott: [peeking out from behind a corner and talking on a cell phone to Saddam] Scott to Red Dragon, come in, Red Dragon.

Saddam: Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.

Scott: The plan is working perfectly. Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.

Saddam: Excellent! My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?

Scott: Yes. Everything's proceeding according to plan. Now you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.

Saddam: Hey, relax, guy. I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain.

Scott: Roger, Red Dragon. Scott out. [puts the phone away] I've got you now, you fart-lovin' fart-lovers.

[On the flight to Tehran, Terrance and Phillip leave the Northwest Territory, fly over the western and southwestern U.S., and over the Golf of Mexico. Over the Yucatan Peninsula Terrance farts, they laugh, and the plane turns towards the Atlantic.]

Terrance: Take that, Phillip.

[they laugh again. Over the Pyrenees, Phillip farts, the plane moves towards North Africa, then turns again for Italy]
Phillip: Burned your face.

[The plane heads for Egypt, where another fart forces it towards the Black Sea. Once they cross it, another fart forces the plane to cross the Black Sea again…]

Terrance: Ow, that's rancid! hahahahaha.
[…turn towards Iran when it is in southern Turkey. It lands in…]

[Tehran, 2:30 P.M.]

[Terrance and Phillip walk among the crowds in the city]
Terrance: Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.

Phillip: Oh, look. There she is. [points at a girl wearing a yellow dress and pink bow - not Arab dress in the least.].

Terrance: Oh, good. [make their way to her]

Sally: Goo. Where?

Terrance: I'm here, Sally. It's your father, Terrance. [he picks her up in his arms] I'm here to save you from your smelly Arabian captors.

Sally: Pa-pa.
Phillip: Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you, Terrance. [she farts] Oooh, now I see the resemblance!

Terrance: Well, enough of Iran, let's get home. [on theflight home she farts again and Terrance and Phillip laugh.]

[Canadian Airport, 3:45 P.M.]

[the plane lands]
Terrance: Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again.

Phillip: Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend.

Terrance: No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.

Phillip: [noticing something] Oh my God! [Terrance looks] What is this?! [there are pictures of Saddam Hussein plastered all over the city, and ominous music plays] Is this Canada?

Terrance: It seems to have changed.

Phillip: This is madness!

Terrance: What's going on, Phillip?! How can Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?!

Phillip: I don't know, Terrance. And who is that smelly peasant in all these pictures?

Terrance: I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.

Celine Dion's House, 4:02 P.M.]

[Terrance and Phillip arrive with Sally. Terrance knocks, and Celine opens the door]
Terrance:nCeline, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that-

Celine Dion: Terrance, ha, could you come back a little later?

Terrance: Why?!

Celine Dion: Ah, I'm just a little busy right now.

Terrance: You've got a man over, don't you, Celine Dion?!

Celine Dion: Well, I… [Ugly Bob comes out behind her]

Ugly Bob: Hi guys.

Phillip: Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob!!

Terrance: What the hell are you doing here?!

Ugly Bob: I'm doing Celine Dion; what's it look like?

Terrance: Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob!

Celine Dion: What do you mean? Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?

Phillip: Because that's his name, you stupid bitch!

Celine Dion: [turning to Ugly Bob] You told me your name was Handsome Bob!!

Terrance: Look at him, Celine Dion! [pulls the bag off]

Celine Dion: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

Phillip: Behold his horrible face!

Celine Dion: Oh my God, he's hideously ugly! And I am pregnant with his child!

Terrance: What?! Nooooooooooooooooo!!

Celine Dion: I'm going to have a freak baby!!

Phillip: Oooh, the humanity!!

[Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ., 4:03 P.M.]

[Scott enters the cabin]
Scott: Hey, Saddam. You helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that, but why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?

Saddam: Huh? Oh that? Don't worry, guy, you just need a rest.

Scott: …No I don't need a rest!! I want to know what this is all aboot!

Saddam: Hey, relax, fella. I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, and then I'm gonna head back to Iran.

Scott: I thought you were from Iraq.

Saddam: Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax, guy!

[Downtown Canada, 4:04 P.M.]

[Saddam's troops are filing past the buildings as Terrance and Phillip look on. Terrance farts and the two laugh]
Terrance: Phillip, I'm convinced that something very very not good is happening to Canada.

Phillip: Yes. I agree whole-fartedly [they laugh. Scott rushes up to them]

Scott: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?

Terrance: Oh, hello, Scott.

Scott: You're not supposed to be here, you're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped- [puts left hand to mouth] Ah, I mean, how are you guys today?

Phillip: Wait, what were you saying?

Scott: Nothing, why?

Terrance: Hey, Scott. Guess what?

Scott: What? [Terrance farts and they laugh] Aargh! I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! [he then puts his fists forth and concentrates mightily on them. They simply stand back]

Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?

Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.

Phillip: Cancer?!!

Scott: That's right. I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.

Terrance: Ooh, stop that! [grabs Phillip as a shield, then pulls him back]

Phillip: Hey, don't give me cancer! [Scott advances]

[Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ., 4:05 P.M.]

[Two U.S. Army Officials arrive]
U.S. Army Official: Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried.

Saddam: Worried? Aboot what? Take a load off, relax!

U.S. Army Official: You seem to be… taking over Canada.

Saddam: Taking over Canada? Me? Eeeyy, you need a rest, fella. I'm not hiding any bombs.

U.S. Army Official: We didn't say anything about bombs.
Saddam: Oh. You didn't? Heeyy, relax!

U.S. Army Official: We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada, and after that, we're gonna bomb all of Iran.

Saddam: I'm from Iraq.

U.S. Army Official: Iran, Iraq, what's the difference? [the officials leave]

Guard on Right: Euugh. I hate Americans. Please, let me kill them!

Saddam: No, no. You need to relax, guy. Remember the plan: first we take over Canada, then we'll have to go after the female pop vocalist. After that, we'll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world! [laughs wickedly and rolls all over his desk.]

Scott: [returning] What's so funny!

Saddam: Nothing! Relax, brother.

Scott: Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada!

Saddam: Oh, really?

Scott: You promised me they'd be gone for good! That was your part of the bargain!

Saddam: [thumps his desk after "changed"] I changed my mind! [thumps his deak on "don't"] Pray that I don't change it any further! [the guard on the right cocks his machine gun and Scott is chagrined]

Scott: This deal's getting worse all the time.

[TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE, 4:06 P.M.]

[They are at home eating Kroff Dinner on the sofa.]
Phillip: Hey, Terrance, let's watch American television.

Terrance: Yes. We can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid T.V. shows.

Phillip: Oh look. Here's a show. [Jerry Springer]

Woman 1: …well fuck you.

Woman 2: AaaaAAARGH! [lunges at woman 1]

Springer: And this is what life would be like…

Terrance: It's so stupid!

Phillip: Goddamn, their TV shows are lame! [The next show they see is South Park]

Mephesto: The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is- [Terrance and Phillip laugh over the line]

Phillip: Look at their silly American heads.

Terrance: They look like round pies.

Cartman: He's my father?! [Phillip clicks a new channel]

Anchor: And in other news it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied, quote: Hey. Relax, fella. You need a rest, guy.

Terrance: Hey, Phillip. Isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town?

Phillip: Yes it is, Terrance. According to that newsie, he's some kind of Turkish dictator.

Terrance: Well, we just can't sit here and eat Kroff Dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks! [the phone rings, and they laugh]

Phillip: That fart sounded like a ringing phone, Terrance.
Terrance: It sure did, Phillip. [the phone rings again, and Terrance looks.]Oh, wait. That is the phone. [sets his plate aside and gets up to answer it] Hello?

Scott: Terrance, this is Scott.

Terrance: Oh. [to Phillip] Hey, it's Scott. [covers the receiver while Phillip answers]

Phillip: Tell him he's a smelly bastard.

Terrance: Phillip says hello, Scott.

Scott: Just shut up and listen. You've unleashed a monster onto Canada! And only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you, and I wish you had cancer.

Terrance: You are such a dick, Scott.

Scott: You're a dick!

Terrance: You're a dick!

Scott: You're a dick!

Terrance: You're a dick!

Scott: You're a dick!

Terrance: You're a dick!

Scott: [pause] You're a dick!

Terrance: You're a dick!

Scott: The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada! You give other Canadians a bad name! And if I had my hair-

Terrance: I'm sorry, Scott. Could you hold on a minute?

Scott: Sure. [Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He and Phillip laugh as he lowers his leg]

Terrance: How do you like that, Scott?!

Scott: You son of a bitch. I'll get you if it's the last thin-
Terrance: Oh wait, I have another call on, Scott. Can you hold on?

Scott: Sure. [Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He lowers his leg and resumes talking]

Terrance: Oh, that was Barry Smelly. He says 'hello.'
Scott: Goddammit!

Terrance: Oh, wait a second, Scott.

Scott: Sure. [Terrance raises his left leg…] I mean, no! You listen to me! If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff Dinner Restaurant in half an hour! [hangs up]

[Celine Dion's House, 4:07 P.M.]

[Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are back in bed]
Celine Dion: Oh, Ugly Bob, I'm so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly. [she puffs on a cigarette]

Ugly Bob: Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.

Celine Dion: We can only hope. I suppose we'll be okay as long as you keep that bag on your head. [Three Republican Guards burst through the bedroom door, and Saddam follows.] What's this?! [gasps]

Saddam: He-yy there. I'm Saddam Hussein. I'm a big fan of Polo. I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion.

Ugly Bob: Oh no, you don't. She's my bitch.

Saddam: Eh! Who are you?

Ugly Bob: I'm Bob. But my friends call me Ugly Bob, because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.

Saddam: Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see. [Bob takes off the bag and everybody in the room screams] Well, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours. [Bob and Celine now look at him]

Ugly Bob: You can?

Saddam: Sure! I just need a favor. There is a Canadian football game tomorrow: the Ottawa Roughriders vs. the Vancouver Roughriders. It is at that game that I will officially turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.

Celine Dion: What?! Why?!

Saddam: Hey! Don't worry about that. Take a load off, don't worry about it! Look over here! …All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game - to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What do you say?

Ugly Bob: Did you say, "hostile takeover of Canada"?

Saddam: No, no, relax there, fella! [Celine takes another bag and places it over Bob's head]

[Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace, 4:36 P.M.]

[Terrance and Phillip are there. So are some pictures of Saddam]
Terrance: Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up! [Phillip farts and they laugh]

Phillip: Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?

Terrance: Oh. Good idea. Let's search for treasure. [Phillip looks around, but Terrance ends up looking ar his feet]

Scott: [arrives] What are you idiots doing?!

Terrance: We're looking for treasure!

Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a a kind of search that can't be described?!

Phillip: Nnno, we're searching for treasure.

Scott: Listen. I have an inside scoop. There's an Iraqi dictotor who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.

Terrance: Yes. You mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.

Scott: Well, what are you two gonna do aboat it?

Phillip: What do you mean?

Scott: It's your fault that he's here! You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane when you rescued your kidnapped daughter! [they gasp]

Phillip: You mean, we are to blame??!!

Scott: That's right. And now you must make amends.
Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada, at the Roughriders-Roughriders football game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this. [hands him a box with a watch face on it]

Phillip: What is this? [get hold of it]

Scott: It's a bomb. [lets go of it] You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game, and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions.

Terrance: That plan's scary!

Scott: Well, you must do it for Canada.

Phillip: For Canada, Terrance. [a display of solidarity begins. He puts his arm behind Terrance]

Terrance: For Canada, Phillip. [Terrance puts his arm behind Phillip. Then they let go and leave]

Scott: There, Terrance and Phillip! And when the dust is settled, Canada will be rid of both: the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.

[Terrance and Phillip's House, 12:20 P.M.]
Terrance: Well. Phillip, I am very sad that we have to die for Canada.

Phillip: Yes. This bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life. [Terrance farts, and they laugh]

Terrance: That's funny!

Phillip: Hey! Wait a minute. That fart gives me pause.

Terrance: Why is that?

Phillip: That smelly Saddam Hussein. He uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?

Terrance: Yes. Apparently, he does.

Phillip: Terrance! Get the phone book! We must call every Canadian we can!

Terrance: Oh, Phillip. It sounds like you have an idea.

Phillip: I do, Terrance. [picks up the receiver and dials away… Barky comes up and farts, then leaves. Terrance and Phillip laugh.]

[Canada Stadium, 11:32 A.M.]

Announcer: And the Roughriders are giving the Roughriders a run for their money! [Not if the score is valid: 28-7] All else aside, I must say that the Roughriders [to his right] are simply outmatched by these Roughriders [to his left. Red and blue Roughriders go after the football and time runs out. A horn blows and the referee blows his whistle] And that's going to take us to halftime. Be sure to stick around for the halftime show: Saddam and the Electric Iraqis in a salute to hostile takeovers!
[a long platform is put together from two shorter ones, each one having half the Canadian flag. The flag is made whole when the platforms are put together. A band plays and walks across the field and the crowd cheers]

Terrance: Well, I guess it's time, old friend.

Phillip: Yes. Prepare the alert!

Saddam: [climbs onto the platform with some difficulty, then rights himself and takes the microphone] Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax. Take a rest. Lift your feet up. Don't dodge the bargain [waits for a reaction, but none comes] You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don't worry about that, the changes will continue. I'm here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as New Baghdad! Qoloh Qalah! [A Canadian flag is taken down from its pole and an Iraqi one put up in its place. An Iraqi one is placed ove the Canadian one on the platform. The audience gasps] You will bow down to me as your ruler! You will obey my laws or you will be killed!! [Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are standing by as Saddam laughs derisively] And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem! [A guard nudges Celine towards the microphone with the tip of his machine gun] Or you will be stabbed in the head!

Celine Dion: Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht…

Terrance: Now, Phlllip?

Phlllip: Now, Terrance. [puts on his mask while Terrance brings out a bugle and sounds the alert. Everyone in the stadium then puts on masks.]

Saddam: Hey!! What the hell is this?! [Celine puts on her mask]

Celine: Freh kashu kaliakaliakatchut…
[People all around the stadium turn around and start to drop trou, and fart. One man stands on his hands, leaving his derriere high in the air with legs spread open. A brown cloud starts to form over the stadium and it descends into the gridiron. Saddam starts to gag]

Guard: They're using chemical warfare! How could they?!
[More brown clouds sweep across the field and seem to sweep Saddam along with them. He stumbles to the edge of the platform and the crowd cheers loudly. He finally falls and the clouds start to lift away. The Iraqi flag falls off the side of the platform as the people remove their masks and cheer some more]

Terrance: We did it, Phillip! We destroyed the Turks!

Phillip: Oh, Glorious Day!
[some people come down and start kicking Saddam around. Bab and Celine take off their masks while holding hands. She takes her hand away and quickly places a paper bag on Bob's head. A woman takes Saddam's left arm, a man takes his head. Terrance and Phillip come down from their seats and rush to the platform, and all stadium seats are now empty. Terrance and Celine hold hands]

Celine Dion: Phillip, Terrance! You've saved Canada!

Terrance: Ooh, it was all Phillip's idea. [progress to full embrace]

Ugly Bob: God bless you, Phillip. [embraces him]

Phillip: [pulls away] Don't touch me, Ugly Bob!

Scott: [walking up] Hey! What the hell happened! You were supposed to be blown up!

Phillip: We came up with a better plan. You see, Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada!

Scott: Oh! That is so juvenile! [Terrance and Celine have let go of each other]

Terrance: Hey, Scott, you like apples?

Scott: Of course!

Terrance: [farts on him] How do you like them apples? [laughs heartily]

Scott: I HATE YOU TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!! [goes away]
Terrance: Oh Celine Dion. You never finished that national anthem.

Celine Dion: You're right, Terrance. You're right. [walks forth and grabs the microphone]
O Canada, our home and native land,

Celine, Terrance, Bob, Phillip, and people on the field: True patriot love in all thy sons command.

Crowd: With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the True North, strong and free.
[A man uses Saddam's head like that of a dummy and provides a falsetto for it. The words scroll across the scoreboard]

Crowd outside: From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free.
Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee.
[The camera pulls away from the stadium, and then from Canada, as if on a plane. More crowds are seen, then some cabins, some mountains, and finally a moose]
Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee.
[The whole scene is now framed in a maple-leaf outline, with the moose in the center grazing. He looks up. When the anthem ends Terrance farts once more and laughs away. His laughter echoes.]

[End credits roll and theme music plays. End of Not Without My Anus]

Announcer 1: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks.